Anonymous wrote:"If you don't already know Mom and Dad's neighbors, go around, introduce yourself and pass out your phone numbers."

Stop expecting neighbors to keep an eye on your parents. I've been there and done that and it's a ridiculous burden. I had a neighbor with full blown Alzheimer's and the kids didn't believe me when I described how she was locking herself out of the house and not knowing which key fit the door or that she would "garden" in the same spot for hours. They thought I was exaggerating. She ended up falling down her basement stairs and fracturing her skull.

Anonymous wrote:I've been in your scenario. Your Dad is legally competent to live his life they he sees fit for himself and his wife.

I'd back way off.

Until Dad is ready to make a change there is not much you can do.

Arguments won't work and tough love won't work.

You need to partner with Dad when situations come up to move forward.

One of the easiest changes to make is the bill pay. If you come over and the power has been shut off encourage Dad to use an accountant bill pay service (very inexpensive) or you pay the bills remotely. I would not get caregivers involved in bill pay activities.

We heard a lot of conversation about "fall risk" caring for Mom and Dad over 25 years.
Dad will be a fall risk wherever he is at. Moving to a facility does not prevent the fall risk. Walking up and down steps helps to maintain muscles. Those who walk and move around are less of a fall risk than those sitting in a lazyboy all day. On one of Dad's appointments you might see if you can get home PT to Dad's house to help with walking. The State of Maryland is very generous with this.

It ultimately took Dad having a heart event in his bathroom at night, falling, and messing up his artificial shoulder before he would agree to overnight caregivers in the home.

You sound very loving and caring. I had to back way off and overlook a lot of things.

It is okay to offer supports. Ask him open ended questions. Dad, "You have a lot on you with Mom's care. How can we help you?"

See what he wants in terms of supports.

"Dad, husband Larlo and I just switched all of our bills to electronic payment. How do you feel about that."

"Dad, with what you have going on with Mom, how can we help?"

"Dad, how would you feel if we had a lady come over 4 hours a week so you could get a break from Mom, go to the barbershop and see your friends?'

Back way off, partner with Dad on what he wants.

Old people snooze a lot. They will be napping wherever they are. Your parents worked are all their lives, let them nap.

I had to back way off. Arguments and tough love won't work with someone who is still climbing steps and still is legally competent.
As time progresses, offer to provide supports and help for what Dad wants.

If you don't already know Mom and Dad's neighbors, go around, introduce yourself and pass out your phone numbers.

Tour facilities (without your parents) in your area and in your parents area so that you know what is available.

Anonymous wrote:Until they have full on dementia, they can choose to do whatever they want. Old people aren't suddenly the property of or under control of their children. You don't have to participate in the risks they take. As long as they're not hurting anybody, what does this matter? Yes, your father may suffer a gruesome fall and you find them both deceased days or weeks later. But they would have left this world the way they wish. Not a slow, boring death in a nursing home, which is what is happening to my mother after my sister--who lived close by to her, then died unexpectedly months later--pretty much made her do it. Now I'm the only one left and I'm a 4-hour car ride away. So I have to drive 8 hours in a day once a month to go sit with her, not really quite clear if she even knows which daughter she's sitting with, for an hour, and she sleeps all day every other hour of every other day of her life. Not a way to live. She wishes she had died years ago.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Until they have full on dementia, they can choose to do whatever they want. Old people aren't suddenly the property of or under control of their children. You don't have to participate in the risks they take. As long as they're not hurting anybody, what does this matter? Yes, your father may suffer a gruesome fall and you find them both deceased days or weeks later. But they would have left this world the way they wish. Not a slow, boring death in a nursing home, which is what is happening to my mother after my sister--who lived close by to her, then died unexpectedly months later--pretty much made her do it. Now I'm the only one left and I'm a 4-hour car ride away. So I have to drive 8 hours in a day once a month to go sit with her, not really quite clear if she even knows which daughter she's sitting with, for an hour, and she sleeps all day every other hour of every other day of her life. Not a way to live. She wishes she had died years ago.

Wow. You blame your sister in this? Why didn't you move closer to your mom and support her?

Let me guess- it 'didn't work' for you?

Anonymous wrote:Until they have full on dementia, they can choose to do whatever they want. Old people aren't suddenly the property of or under control of their children. You don't have to participate in the risks they take. As long as they're not hurting anybody, what does this matter? Yes, your father may suffer a gruesome fall and you find them both deceased days or weeks later. But they would have left this world the way they wish. Not a slow, boring death in a nursing home, which is what is happening to my mother after my sister--who lived close by to her, then died unexpectedly months later--pretty much made her do it. Now I'm the only one left and I'm a 4-hour car ride away. So I have to drive 8 hours in a day once a month to go sit with her, not really quite clear if she even knows which daughter she's sitting with, for an hour, and she sleeps all day every other hour of every other day of her life. Not a way to live. She wishes she had died years ago.