Anonymous wrote:I married a man who is older than I am and has a child from his first marriage, and it was clear when we got engaged we were going to try for a baby. We had one, he occasionally bemoans being an older dad, but having her has brought joy into his live, and she and her much older (half) sibling adore each other. And my stepchild (now an adult) has told me they wouldn’t have the relationship they have with their father if I wasn’t there to facilitate it. And my step and I get along amazingly well.

We all got amazingly lucky - and I don’t know really any other blended families who have it as good as we do.

But I was on the fence about having my own child - but after falling for my now husband I did want a child of my own. But as much as I adored him and his child, didn’t want to be only a stepmom - even a loved one - having the constraints of having a family without a child of my own wasn’t something I wanted. So it makes sense to me that a childless woman wouldn’t want to take on the work of a family without the biggest reward.

What a bizarre thing to brag about. What's wrong with your husband that he can't maintain a relationship with his own child without help?

I married a man who is older than I am and has a child from his first marriage, and it was clear when we got engaged we were going to try for a baby. We had one, he occasionally bemoans being an older dad, but having her has brought joy into his live, and she and her much older (half) sibling adore each other. And my stepchild (now an adult) has told me they wouldn’t have the relationship they have with their father if I wasn’t there to facilitate it. And my step and I get along amazingly well.

We all got amazingly lucky - and I don’t know really any other blended families who have it as good as we do.

But I was on the fence about having my own child - but after falling for my now husband I did want a child of my own. But as much as I adored him and his child, didn’t want to be only a stepmom - even a loved one - having the constraints of having a family without a child of my own wasn’t something I wanted. So it makes sense to me that a childless woman wouldn’t want to take on the work of a family without the biggest reward.

Interesting read as a 35yoF dating 40yoM

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They can date women their own age? I don't get why suddenly when men are in their 40s they need to date younger women.

Because the younger woman has no kids, no real competition for her attention. It’s all about HIM.

His ex’s attention on their kids partially explains the divorce. Raising kids is a real drag for a lot of men.

He’s going to make the same mistakes again with the new younger woman. Hence why I said they are big dummies.

Well said.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The obvious solution is for these men in their 40s to date women their own age. Then there’s a much higher chance that they’ll already have their own kids or not want them, and that they won’t be desperate to marry.

This is what I did.

I had my kids. I love them but they’re launched. I am looking forward to grandkids. But I don’t want to rear another child again. I did my time.

Agree.

Plus, I'd never combine finances with anyone else, so marriage is not on the table. I'm wealthy and want to protect my kids' inheritance.

Anonymous wrote:We are in our mid forties and know several divorced men in their mid to late forties. The natural thing for these mid forties men were to date women in their thirties. As the relationship progressed, every single one wants to get married and have a kid. I think this is the natural feeling for a woman in love. Problem is the man already has kids and may not want more.

One man we know dated someone for years and eventually broke up because the woman wanted to marry. He told her from the beginning he does not ever want to remarry.

Another got remarried, had a baby and got divorced again.

Another got married to someone in her late thirties. She wants a baby and he doesn’t. When they got married, she said she didn’t want to have a baby.

Others just break up before they get too serious because man doesn’t want more kids.

Would you settle on this?

Not have a biological child to be with a guy you love or have another kid when you don’t want more.

Neither.

Both people should be with people at similar life stages. If the man already has an older vintage family and "falls in love" with a less mature woman, he should know better. If a less mature woman falls in love with the "stable provider" she should see straight through the fact that he traded his wife for a newer tighter version and will do it again. If people find themselves in this situation, they are both dumb.

The best situation for everyone is to marry people who want the same future.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They can date women their own age? I don't get why suddenly when men are in their 40s they need to date younger women.

Because the younger woman has no kids, no real competition for her attention. It’s all about HIM.

His ex’s attention on their kids partially explains the divorce. Raising kids is a real drag for a lot of men.

He’s going to make the same mistakes again with the new younger woman. Hence why I said they are big dummies.

Stop making stuff up.

DH's firm has a 58 yr old partner that divorced his first wife (2 kids), had an affair when separated which produced 1 kid, then married a 30 year old admin. She made him promise to have one kid and he had her sign a prenup. She has one and then just got pregnant with second. They always want to match the first wife. No one envies him now. He could have an empty nest and be traveling the world right now if he didn't get sucked in by the trophy wife.

Strange. I married a divorced man older than me. I was clear I wanted marriage and a kid. He was hesitant as his ex was and is a nightmare but we married and had kids. Been married over 20 years.

I always think this dynamic is so sad. The women these dudes date seem super desperate though, so they settle for some loser divorced dad who prob barely takes care of his current kids, just so they can pop out a bio kid. Once divorced they’re also more likely to get divorced again too. Men who are good dads to their kids don’t usually end up knocking up someone else though, so I’m not sure why it would be surprising.

Anonymous wrote:They can date women their own age? I don't get why suddenly when men are in their 40s they need to date younger women.

Because the younger woman has no kids, no real competition for her attention. It’s all about HIM.

His ex’s attention on their kids partially explains the divorce. Raising kids is a real drag for a lot of men.

He’s going to make the same mistakes again with the new younger woman. Hence why I said they are big dummies.

They can date women their own age? I don't get why suddenly when men are in their 40s they need to date younger women.

The truth is no one really knows how they will react in any given moment to the desire for or existence of a child.

You think you don't want a baby, then you fall in love and your baby making hormones flood your brain changing everything.

You think you want a baby, then you have one, and it feels like a gut punch.

You swear you will never quit working, then you interview a series of nannies and daycare centers and cannot imagine ever leaving your child with anyone but yourself.

You swear you want to be a DINK couple forever, and then you have an oopsie pregnancy and suddenly who knows?

Older guys who get divorced and pop out more kids are big dumb idiots. Late 40s/early 50s and doing the toddler years AGAIN is brutal. Even if you can afford to outsource a lot.

There’s so many younger attractive women you can date in a place like NYC or DC who won’t demand a baby. There is no piece of a55 worth reversing a vasectomy.

Big dummies.

Men who abandon their 1st kids often abandon their 2nd kids. It's who they are.

Or you have a better chance of them staying in a 2nd marriage without kids, because it's the stress of kids that makes them slip into bad habits that lead to divorce.