Anonymous
Post 01/23/2025 09:46     Subject: Moms what marriage advice would you give your daughters?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:My mom told me to only marry a man whose job I could understand. My dad is a PhD scientist.

There was a kernel of wisdom in that.


Was she saying - marry someone you are intellectually compatible with? I’m not sure I’m following the rationale.


It's not IQ-based. So, more like...be able to be interested in each other's professions, consider the impact of workaholism, consider the social circle you will build.

I said there was a kernel of wisdom. It's not 100% true or universal.

I can soundbite what my dad did at work but I can't explain the phenomena he worked on without looking it up. I also cannot read the equations in the papers he wrote. I can't guess how many years of college math it would take to be able to read them. I stopped at Calculus and simple econometrics.
Anonymous
Post 01/23/2025 09:42     Subject: Moms what marriage advice would you give your daughters?
Anonymous wrote:Don't marry and addict (alcoholic, porn, gambling, religion, sex, etc.)
Don't marry someone with a bad credit rating.
Don't marry someone with mental health problems or comes from a dysfunctional family.
Don't marry someone who has been divorced or has kids.

Marry someone who is hard working, honest, loyal, kind and shares your interests.


Seems like subtle advice to get the tattoo and stay single as there is no one left to pick from.
Anonymous
Post 01/23/2025 09:28     Subject: Re:Moms what marriage advice would you give your daughters?
Watch how they interact with babies/kids, old people, and animals. That will tell you what you need to know.
Anonymous
Post 01/23/2025 09:18     Subject: Moms what marriage advice would you give your daughters?
Anonymous wrote:Don’t give up your career.

Work on maintaining sexual chemistry

Be patient but don’t compromise your standards

Save money

Don’t just get married because your “clock is ticking” or friends are all getting married.

Don’t ignore red flags


I like this list and would add:
Find someone who is a glass half full person who makes you laugh and brings out the best in you.
Take a close look at their parents because there are strong odds that the behaviors you see there will be a part of your future.
Someone who is on the same page re: kids--having them or not, ideas about child raising, etc.
Anonymous
Post 01/23/2025 09:10     Subject: Moms what marriage advice would you give your daughters?
Mental health screening
Anonymous
Post 01/23/2025 09:07     Subject: Moms what marriage advice would you give your daughters?
Anonymous wrote:Don't marry and addict (alcoholic, porn, gambling, religion, sex, etc.)
Don't marry someone with a bad credit rating.
Don't marry someone with mental health problems or comes from a dysfunctional family.
Don't marry someone who has been divorced or has kids.

Marry someone who is hard working, honest, loyal, kind and shares your interests.


All of this, especially never marry someone with substance abuse or mental health issues.

Also shared interests are not particularly important as long as both parties support the other’s interests.
Anonymous
Post 01/23/2025 09:07     Subject: Moms what marriage advice would you give your daughters?
Anonymous wrote:Only have as many children that you can take care of yourself. Financially, emotionally etc.


I wish my parents had taught me this. They were super religious, and it was always “children are a blessing! Have as many as possible and you’ll be happy!”
Anonymous
Post 01/23/2025 09:03     Subject: Moms what marriage advice would you give your daughters?
Only have as many children that you can take care of yourself. Financially, emotionally etc.
Anonymous
Post 01/23/2025 09:02     Subject: Moms what marriage advice would you give your daughters?
Anonymous wrote:Don't be with someone who expects you to lower yourself for them. Be with someone who helps you achieve your dreams.

I met my spouse in college, we spent a lot of time studying together, we supported each other through our respective post college schooling. He did bar exam flashcards with me, I read his thesis and helped him prep for his thesis defense.


And make sure you have the same dreams!
Anonymous
Post 01/23/2025 09:01     Subject: Moms what marriage advice would you give your daughters?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Look at your future FIL. That is who you will be married to in 20 years. Not in all cases, but often holds true.


That's not true. My DH and his brothers are nothing like their father.


Mine isn't either, but to be fair the PP did say not in all cases.

I met my future FIL about three months into dating. I immediately realized he was a verbally abusive narcissistic a-hole. I had a brutally honest talk with my husband after that and told him that if I ever saw a glint of him acting like his dad, I would be out. He said he woke up every morning determined to be nothing like him and he has stayed true to that over almost 20 years.
Anonymous
Post 01/23/2025 08:58     Subject: Re:Moms what marriage advice would you give your daughters?
Anonymous wrote:Don't. There isn't a damned thing you'll have, with certainty, in a marriage that you can't have in a relationship that isn't government-bound. It's a hell of a lot easier to leave a partner than it is to leave a spouse. Have you own affairs in order such that the "financial incentives" of marriage aren't a draw. No health insurance, cheaper rates, etc. are worth what you may end up going through as a person who needs to ask the government for permission to leave "your person" if/when they stop acting like they're actually your person.

So just don't. Have a life that belongs to you. Get an education, get a job you find meaningful and as satisfying as a job can be, have friends, travel, engage in relationships when you want to and LEAVE THEM when they're no longer aligned with your goals. Never let anyone mistreat you twice (and most people should get cut off after the first round; forgive them and LET THEM GO).

And take your birth control. Never trust that a man is going to have/use a condom.


+1 For as much as they whine about it, marriage has always been designed to benefit men, and it still works that way.

It's a scam! Don't do it!
Anonymous
Post 01/23/2025 08:58     Subject: Moms what marriage advice would you give your daughters?
Anonymous wrote:The reality is you are signing a lifelong legal contract with someone and you need to evaluate them separate from the love and more as a business partner who you are legally bound to.

Get a pre-nup. If you can’t have difficult talks about finances, domestic work, and expectations, it’s not the person to marry.

You can always come home and mom will take care of you. I don’t care how old, with how many kids, or how badly you messed up, my door is always open and I will help fix it.


That last bit. 💖

No matter what. Whether you're in the wrong or not, I'll always love you and there will always be a place for you here. You can always come home.
Anonymous
Post 01/23/2025 08:57     Subject: Re:Moms what marriage advice would you give your daughters?
Don't. There isn't a damned thing you'll have, with certainty, in a marriage that you can't have in a relationship that isn't government-bound. It's a hell of a lot easier to leave a partner than it is to leave a spouse. Have you own affairs in order such that the "financial incentives" of marriage aren't a draw. No health insurance, cheaper rates, etc. are worth what you may end up going through as a person who needs to ask the government for permission to leave "your person" if/when they stop acting like they're actually your person.

So just don't. Have a life that belongs to you. Get an education, get a job you find meaningful and as satisfying as a job can be, have friends, travel, engage in relationships when you want to and LEAVE THEM when they're no longer aligned with your goals. Never let anyone mistreat you twice (and most people should get cut off after the first round; forgive them and LET THEM GO).

And take your birth control. Never trust that a man is going to have/use a condom.
Anonymous
Post 01/23/2025 08:54     Subject: Moms what marriage advice would you give your daughters?
Anonymous wrote:Look at your future FIL. That is who you will be married to in 20 years. Not in all cases, but often holds true.


I don’t think this is true across the board. Very true for me. My DH is so much like his dad who was the absolute sweetest man. My BIL, however, is nothing like their dad.
Anonymous
Post 01/23/2025 08:51     Subject: Moms what marriage advice would you give your daughters?
The reality is you are signing a lifelong legal contract with someone and you need to evaluate them separate from the love and more as a business partner who you are legally bound to.

Get a pre-nup. If you can’t have difficult talks about finances, domestic work, and expectations, it’s not the person to marry.

You can always come home and mom will take care of you. I don’t care how old, with how many kids, or how badly you messed up, my door is always open and I will help fix it.