I have two high achieving kids. One needs zero follow up and is completely self motivated and able to stay organized and on top of everything with no input from us.

My other child needs more help. I wouldn’t say he isn’t motivated, he just procrastinates and is less organized. What works for us is every day after school, I ask what homework he has due tomorrow. I tell him to give me a time he is going to start work, then I follow up on if he is actually starting at that time. I also peek at work intermittently and make sure progress is being made. While I don’t read or correct content, I will check how far along they are. If they have been “working” on homework for an hour, and I see nothing or very little has gotten done, then I troubleshoot with him what’s going on. As for tests, that is on them mostly. I will just do the same follow up. I ask them when test are and leading up to it check in how studying is going.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. So would like to know how your highly motivated child study- constant revisions, studying in advance, math practice everyday? Any tips would be appreciated.

NP. I truly have no idea how my “highly motivated” child studies. Why? Because she’s “highly motivated” and has been 100% independent with her learning since 5th grade. (All A’s and will finish with 12 APs.)

“Highly motivated” children are just that. They’re internally driven to learn the material and do the work. I will add that DD really values her independence and autonomy, so we give her space and don’t get involved in her schoolwork.

So as the parent of a “highly motivated” kid, all I know is that after she’s done with her ECs/sports/dinner, she’s up in herroom “doing school stuff” from about 9/10 pm to 11/midnight. How exactly is she studying? Not a clue. Though I do know she’s also scrolling Insta and texting, too. Whatever it is, it works.

My second child is a completely different story. What I can tell you there is that our efforts to teach study skills or work together or try an executive function/study skills tutor etc. have NOT increased the naturally low motivation. Not at all.

What has worked? Peer pressure is becoming a bit more helpful (more motivated friend group), and second DC is showing a bit more pride in the higher grades received after “trying”. Like the motivation that comes with small wins.

For DC2, “trying” means actually doing the review questions, reviewing notes, going over quizzes with teachers to learn from prior mistakes in order to fill in the learning gaps before seeing the material again on a unit test (and then going over the unit tests with teachers to learn from those mistakes, too.) It’s a slow road, but moving in the right direction.

Personally, I think parents with less academically motivated kids should learn from parents with SIMILAR kids what has worked for them. I’ve appreciated those who have chimed in so far. Helpful (and encouraging) stuff about both academics and the parent/child relationship. Thank you!

+1 this is the same with both my sons. Oldest is at an Ivy- straight As the whole way through.

Current junior in HS also has straight As. Tough private HS.

I never once had to monitor courses, grades or even ask if they had homework—they did it themselves…since 5th grade.

I also couldn’t tell you a single paper they wrote or other assignments- they just did it. I never saw canvas, etc

I assume your high achiever has actual questions they want to learn answers to. Now practically everything is available by Google so they don't need a lot of help from people they know. I would follow their lead and help find resources if they are struggling with a particular issue.

I have one “high achiever” and one “ mid pack” kid. The one with the top grades - honestly I couldn’t tell you how she did it. She was super busy all the time, seldom home, so often getting stuff done at school in between practices/rehearsals etc. Super procrastinator type, rather disorganized, but knew how to bring the effort when needed and smart enough to pull off some really good work . I worried a little bit that this approach would be her downfall in college but she appears to have gotten better at working ahead when needed and managing her time. The only thing I really did in high school was annoy her with comments like “hey shouldn’t you get off your phone and get ready for that math test you’ve been worrying about?”

I agree with the prior posters.

I have a high achiever and a gifted kid. The high achiever studies, devloos plan, and identifies goals. I never check homework in HS and never ask for grades from this kid. My gifted kid (99%ile) needs help to prioritize and execute. He understands some stuff intuitively, but I would never call him a high achiever. He’s going to a T40 school, and I knew pretty early on that he didn’t need to aim for HYPMS. I’m not going to be there “motivating” him in college. He needs to find the motivation within himself.

If your child is a high achiever they wouldn’t be struggling in 9th grade.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My child is in sophomore year and I am seeing that she is becoming less motivated and not working strategically to raise his grades. On a one on one talk he said he just does not feel like studying hard. He was all As till 9th grade. Because it was easy for him. I can’t sit with him all the time to check on him not that he is distracted.
How many hours does your high achiever kid spend time on studies? What’s the strategy? How much is your involvement as a parent? Do you keep a check on what’s being covered in school? Are you checking if they are well prepared for the unit test? Seems like we are missing something or we just take it easy?

Honestly the high achiever, we never paid attention nor had to worry about. The younger one, on her case everyday about doing homework and finishing assignments.

Same

Anonymous wrote:My child is in sophomore year and I am seeing that she is becoming less motivated and not working strategically to raise his grades. On a one on one talk he said he just does not feel like studying hard. He was all As till 9th grade. Because it was easy for him. I can’t sit with him all the time to check on him not that he is distracted.
How many hours does your high achiever kid spend time on studies? What’s the strategy? How much is your involvement as a parent? Do you keep a check on what’s being covered in school? Are you checking if they are well prepared for the unit test? Seems like we are missing something or we just take it easy?

Honestly the high achiever, we never paid attention nor had to worry about. The younger one, on her case everyday about doing homework and finishing assignments.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's genetic, OP. You need to parent the kid you have, not the one you wanted to have.

My oldest has severe inattentive ADHD and low processing speed. Even with meds, which greatly helped, it was very hard for him to focus and think through his homework within a reasonable timeframe. We twiddled at the margins with study skills, planner use, tutors for stuff he missed, but the reality is that he was born with a significant distractibility and slowness handicap. We had to sit next to him, redirect him, check if he'd missed any assignments, and issue reminders (ie, nag) all the live-long day. We tried to step back a bit for senior year, to prepare him for college. He's in college now and doing OK on his own, because he actually has a lighter workload than in high school. He takes the minimum credits every semester, and no double major.

My youngest has a high IQ, which compensates for mild inattentive ADHD, and also has a blessedly rapid processing time. She finishes her work in the blink of an eye and it's mostly correct, so she gets straight As without even trying.

Life is unfair.

This is cope.

This attitude is the reason why America is going downhill. Where is the growth mindset? The grit? The positive attitude? And no, using your ADHD or mild disability as a handicap is NOT okay.

I have inattentive ADHD, and my parents (poor immigrants from a country where education is the most important thing) pushed me very hard in school. I'm a doctor now and am much more financially secure than when I was a kid. But if I had used my inattentive ADHD (which, BTW, was only diagnosed my final year of med school, so I didn't rely on BS accommodations like a crutch like so many self absorbed DCUMers) as an excuse to not be pre-med or go to med school, I would have given up on so much.

Seriously, parent the kid you want! If the kid you have is not academically motivated, you NEED to light a fire under their asses so they can get moving. That's what happened to all of our family friends in our neighborhood (poor immigrant enclave of Queens), and almost all of us are smashing successes now.

I don’t think you are a doctor. You couldn’t possibly be this ignorant; unable to distinguish between the different presentations of ADHD and how it impacts children differently. As if everyone has mild inattentive ADHD just like you. It would be laughable, if it weren’t so sad.

How are all these kids ending up with ADHD?

Mothers need to stop eating Skittles for 9 months straight.

Stop trolling. Previously all these kids were just called stupid. Now we know better, and can help them succeed.

Nah. It's a ruse to get testing accommodations.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's genetic, OP. You need to parent the kid you have, not the one you wanted to have.

My oldest has severe inattentive ADHD and low processing speed. Even with meds, which greatly helped, it was very hard for him to focus and think through his homework within a reasonable timeframe. We twiddled at the margins with study skills, planner use, tutors for stuff he missed, but the reality is that he was born with a significant distractibility and slowness handicap. We had to sit next to him, redirect him, check if he'd missed any assignments, and issue reminders (ie, nag) all the live-long day. We tried to step back a bit for senior year, to prepare him for college. He's in college now and doing OK on his own, because he actually has a lighter workload than in high school. He takes the minimum credits every semester, and no double major.

My youngest has a high IQ, which compensates for mild inattentive ADHD, and also has a blessedly rapid processing time. She finishes her work in the blink of an eye and it's mostly correct, so she gets straight As without even trying.

Life is unfair.

This is cope.

This attitude is the reason why America is going downhill. Where is the growth mindset? The grit? The positive attitude? And no, using your ADHD or mild disability as a handicap is NOT okay.

I have inattentive ADHD, and my parents (poor immigrants from a country where education is the most important thing) pushed me very hard in school. I'm a doctor now and am much more financially secure than when I was a kid. But if I had used my inattentive ADHD (which, BTW, was only diagnosed my final year of med school, so I didn't rely on BS accommodations like a crutch like so many self absorbed DCUMers) as an excuse to not be pre-med or go to med school, I would have given up on so much.

Seriously, parent the kid you want! If the kid you have is not academically motivated, you NEED to light a fire under their asses so they can get moving. That's what happened to all of our family friends in our neighborhood (poor immigrant enclave of Queens), and almost all of us are smashing successes now.

I don’t think you are a doctor. You couldn’t possibly be this ignorant; unable to distinguish between the different presentations of ADHD and how it impacts children differently. As if everyone has mild inattentive ADHD just like you. It would be laughable, if it weren’t so sad.

How are all these kids ending up with ADHD?

Mothers need to stop eating Skittles for 9 months straight.

Stop trolling. Previously all these kids were just called stupid. Now we know better, and can help them succeed.

My kid monitors his grades and dials it in if it looks like he’s going to come close to not getting an A. I mostly stay out of it other than occasionally checking his grades online and pointing out that he should make sure he does well on upcoming test in xyz class if his average is on the low side. He generally gets work/studying done in school and does the minimum needed to maintain his average.

A couple times he misjudged and had to correct the second half of the semester. He’s definitely had to learn as classes have gotten harder that he can’t always just coast and needs to actually paying attention in certain classes and occasionally even, gasp, study. He’s motivated enough though that he takes those lessons and then does what he needs to do.

But as PPs have said, he’s a naturally motivated kid (at least when it comes to school). My other kid isn’t as academically inclined but is VERY motivated when he sets his mind to something (more than his brother). It will be interesting to see how that plays out in high school.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. So would like to know how your highly motivated child study- constant revisions, studying in advance, math practice everyday? Any tips would be appreciated.

NP. I truly have no idea how my “highly motivated” child studies. Why? Because she’s “highly motivated” and has been 100% independent with her learning since 5th grade. (All A’s and will finish with 12 APs.)

“Highly motivated” children are just that. They’re internally driven to learn the material and do the work. I will add that DD really values her independence and autonomy, so we give her space and don’t get involved in her schoolwork.

So as the parent of a “highly motivated” kid, all I know is that after she’s done with her ECs/sports/dinner, she’s up in herroom “doing school stuff” from about 9/10 pm to 11/midnight. How exactly is she studying? Not a clue. Though I do know she’s also scrolling Insta and texting, too. Whatever it is, it works.

My second child is a completely different story. What I can tell you there is that our efforts to teach study skills or work together or try an executive function/study skills tutor etc. have NOT increased the naturally low motivation. Not at all.

What has worked? Peer pressure is becoming a bit more helpful (more motivated friend group), and second DC is showing a bit more pride in the higher grades received after “trying”. Like the motivation that comes with small wins.

For DC2, “trying” means actually doing the review questions, reviewing notes, going over quizzes with teachers to learn from prior mistakes in order to fill in the learning gaps before seeing the material again on a unit test (and then going over the unit tests with teachers to learn from those mistakes, too.) It’s a slow road, but moving in the right direction.

Personally, I think parents with less academically motivated kids should learn from parents with SIMILAR kids what has worked for them. I’ve appreciated those who have chimed in so far. Helpful (and encouraging) stuff about both academics and the parent/child relationship. Thank you!

Anonymous wrote:OP here. So would like to know how your highly motivated child study- constant revisions, studying in advance, math practice everyday? Any tips would be appreciated.

You're asking the wrong questions, OP. The high achievers are sometimes so quick and bright, they don't do any of that crap. They just get it first thing. This is what my gifted kid does. Most of the homework is finished in class. I don't see her study, except sometimes for AP History or Calculus. She spends her time outside of school doing her extra-curriculars and lounging on chatting to friends.

What you should be asking is: how do you engage an erstwhile bright kid who is flailing because he's reached his limit? It's actually a typical scenario. Well, first you need to figure out whether it's inattention, or inattention AND lack of understanding, or whether it's something else, like anxiety or depression. If there's an academic problem, you get them tutors, and you cajole, bribe, nag and threaten to get them to work harder every day. Most schools give math homework every day. Before exams, yes they need to review.

For ex: math. Dropping out in math is VERY common. It happens when kids inevitably accumulate holes in their mathematical understanding from years past: math builds on itself, so if you're not hyper vigilant about it, the missed concepts can easily derail the kid's math track. For that you need a tutor that will work on filling in gaps of knowledge and understanding - not a tutor who just tells the kid what to answer on their homework sheet. Maybe the kid has so-so grades in the humanities: it could mean that they actually need to learn to write, which also means learning to read closely and understand deeper meanings in texts. A writing tutor will teach them how to close-read, and how to structure their thoughts into paragraphs for English or History to whatever subject.

If there's ADHD in the mix, medication needs to be considered, as well as possible accommodations for extra time, or executive function coaching like explicit teaching on how to use a planner, timers, and other organizational tools.

My point is that usually there are no quick fixes. It's mostly in-depth work and it's a slog. To motivate a kid who struggles, YOU have to be super motivated as well, because it's also a slog to be the constant cheerleader, coach and manager.

" highly motivated' children do not need help from parents. That is an oxymoron.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. So would like to know how your highly motivated child study- constant revisions, studying in advance, math practice everyday? Any tips would be appreciated.

They listened to tips from teachers and figured it out? I have no idea.