They are adults. Let them live their lives. You go and live yours. If you all actually enjoy each other's company, maintaining bonds of affection will be easy. If you only have bonds that are steeped in guilt, it won't be easy.

Go live your life.

You have a DH problem, not a step-kid problem.

Anonymous wrote:Did you do anything to help their mom or support them having some kind of safe relationship with her? What are some examples of them being self centered and mean? Do you also have biological children?

It’s definitely painful to love sacrificially and feel like you get kicked in the teeth for it. A lot of young adults act this way but grow out of it.

FU!

Caught my stepchild trying to steal from my house. Hope your situation gets better Op.

I'm sorry OP, it sounds hard. It also sounds like your step children probably have some issues both inherited from their mom and caused by their mom's behavior towards them. Not that it's ever ok to treat people poorly because of their own issues, but I suppose I can see how issues with being abandoned by your mom and rejected by her more than once to the point your dad and step mom have to fly you home early would cause some issues towards your stepmother and step brother.

I hope things improve. Hang in there!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did you do anything to help their mom or support them having some kind of safe relationship with her? What are some examples of them being self centered and mean? Do you also have biological children?

It’s definitely painful to love sacrificially and feel like you get kicked in the teeth for it. A lot of young adults act this way but grow out of it.

It was not her responsibility to "do something" to help her husband's mentally ill ex. That was not her place.

It is if they’re kids when you get them. If you become stepparent and your partner has significant custody it’s especially important that you accept and love those kids as you would your own, but you try to make things as good as possible with the other parent. Because that’s what’s best for the kids. It sounds like OP did everything she could.

OP, I don’t know why the step kids behave the way they do. I think the most important thing for you to do is to recognize that you did what you should have done. Life is unfair, ACs with every advantage can turn out badly, and the culture is very supportive of being alienated from family. You didn’t love and care for them because you wanted something back. Although it’s terribly hurtful to have them treat you this way now, you wouldn’t turn back the clock and treat them badly. Try and rest in the comfort of knowing you did your best.

Anonymous wrote:They’re millennials, what do you expect?

Why is this acceptable from millennials?

I am sorry. My adult daughter also hurts my feelings often.

You can only be a good mother, and hope that some day they will appreciate that.

🤗

Anonymous wrote:OP here thanks for the advice to be more distant. They are in their late 30s, this is long term behavior. I was hoping they would grow up. They have not had successful long term relationships.

We did all we could to help them see their mother. She moved to another country after abandoning them. We actually sent them there 3 or 4 times but sometimes they were rejected by her and came back quickly. I had nothing to do with their parents’ breakup, they had been separated for many years.

I do have one child. They are alternately nice but then mean to him. He is an adult but much younger. It’s hard for him to understand their behavior.

Is the kid from their dad?

Anonymous wrote:OP here thanks for the advice to be more distant. They are in their late 30s, this is long term behavior. I was hoping they would grow up. They have not had successful long term relationships.

We did all we could to help them see their mother. She moved to another country after abandoning them. We actually sent them there 3 or 4 times but sometimes they were rejected by her and came back quickly. I had nothing to do with their parents’ breakup, they had been separated for many years.

I do have one child. They are alternately nice but then mean to him. He is an adult but much younger. It’s hard for him to understand their behavior.

They sound toxic. Your own child should stay away from them.

How do these kids treat their father (your husband)? If they are nasty to him too, try not to take it personally.

I’d be polite but distant as others recommend. If they are late 30s, this has minimal chance of improving based on anything you do, unfortunately.

OP here thanks for the advice to be more distant. They are in their late 30s, this is long term behavior. I was hoping they would grow up. They have not had successful long term relationships.

We did all we could to help them see their mother. She moved to another country after abandoning them. We actually sent them there 3 or 4 times but sometimes they were rejected by her and came back quickly. I had nothing to do with their parents’ breakup, they had been separated for many years.

I do have one child. They are alternately nice but then mean to him. He is an adult but much younger. It’s hard for him to understand their behavior.

Adult children are adults. They will be treated as they treat others.