We are dealing with this too with one of our almost 12 year old twins. She has withdrawn recently and wants to spend all her time in her room. She is sometimes grumpy but mostly just very subdued and seems uninterested in everything. She is naturally more introverted, but does have several good friends, but even seems to be distancing herself from them. I am setting up a counseling appointment to get her screened for depression. I know some changes are natural for teens, but am just worried about how withdrawn she is getting.

Anonymous wrote:Highly recommend reading Lisa Damour’s books. She has lots of strategies for dealing with everything you get from a teenage girl.

Additionally, the ask Lisa podcast addresses this issue.

Yes, sounds normal. You'll want to learn how to disengage. In a way, the withdrawing is your friend. Around puberty, both of my kids spent a lot more time in their rooms. I called it "Caving." To some degree, you need to let this happen. When she's nasty, largely don't react, don't take it personally and just say I need a break from you and exit. . . .

My DD is now in college. She went on BC around 16 and it eliminated a lot of this "rage" that arrived with puberty. She can still be a pain on vacation, but I now have the luxury of leaving her at home! If you aren't pleasant, you're not coming. That's not an option for you just yet, but for the next few years, you may want to simplify vacations. Go to the beach or a lake house where everyone can kind of do their own thing at their own pace and you can insist on a few mandatory family events. That is much easier to manage than a European vacation.

Anonymous wrote:Adding my advice: any situation where a friend can reasonably come along - let her. She will behave in front of her friends!! Especially if the friends like you.

Secondly, car rides are the best times to bring things up. I think the lack of eye contact feels less pressured.

Yes and no. My kid said they feel cornered. I have learned to adapt to them.
Morning school - do not have a conversation about anything. Let them be.

I have found that if you let car rides just be fun - we play a game guess the year for songs where my DD puts a song on from the late 80s / 90s and I need to try and guess what year it is from. I know it is silly. But we can do that and just connect.
The connection is different with my DH. When he drives my DD, they listen to a podcast together.