Anonymous
Post 01/16/2025 06:21     Subject: How often have your teens made you cry
Only one kid - several times but it during a specific period of time. Not directly and mostly in the shower and worrying he was not going to be okay. It was a mental health crisis, we felt helpless despite everything we weee trying and I did not know how the future would turn out. Things are good now, years later.

For my other kid or him not being a typical teen and the mean things they can say and do, no. That stuff doesn’t make me cry.
Anonymous
Post 01/15/2025 21:29     Subject: How often have your teens made you cry
None that I can think of.
My DD and I had a testy moment once. She was stood up by a friend and I tried to cheer her up by taking her out for dinner at a popular venue. While we were waiting to get in, she said something mean, I don't remember. I know she was in a bad mood and was taking it out on me.
I thought about it for 30 seconds then turned to her and said I don't feel like having dinner with you anymore. You've been really rude. I'll see you at home. And I left.
Anonymous
Post 01/15/2025 21:05     Subject: How often have your teens made you cry
almost did today - she told me to go die.
Anonymous
Post 01/15/2025 12:37     Subject: How often have your teens made you cry
Never
Anonymous
Post 01/15/2025 12:35     Subject: How often have your teens made you cry
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:This is a bit raw for me. I don't have examples of the nature as the PP above who has dealt with residential mental health treatment and criminal activity (hugs to you), but I probably cry 3-4 times a week due to the way my DD treats me. This may make me sound weak, but she just...has this burning need to lash out at me. She has inattentive ADHD and anxiety and I think she masks so much that it's just all unleashed on me. She's also just insecure after years of comparing herself to her sibling, who is more successful (in conventional terms - i.e., grades, sports, etc.). I used to let her see me cry, but that obviously wasn't helpful (she then felt awful about herself after, and the situation would spiral). Now, I just call her on the behavior and go behind closed doors to do it. I seem glimmers of improvement, but in the end she just cannot be nice to me. She's too focused on herself to understand how her words hurt. And yes, I talk to her about it. She knows she does it. She says she can't stop herself. It's BS, but it's where we are. So, many days, I cry. I know it's not personal, but it hurts nevertheless.


As a grown woman with inattentive ADHD, I honestly urge you with vehemence to punish her for this behavior.

I understand her neurodiversity might mean she tends to be more reactive, but she CAN'T take her frustrations and moods out on other people. You are raising her to be a functional grown woman, not just to survive her teen years. If she can only cope now by lashing out with the person most important to her, but also "safest" to her, she will do it as an adult...to future partners, spouses, roommates, even children.

Yes, masking is exhausting. Yes, not measuring up to her other sister sucks. But developing a self-concept as a person who is cruel to her mother also sucks. It is NOT your job to protect her from the consequences of her cruelty (seeing you cry). It's your job to help her STOP coping with stress by verbally lashing out.

I know it's hard. It might require an ADHD coach or really good family therapist who is an expert in ADHD and doesn't think it's okay to continue this behavior with her disability as an excuse.

Cruelty is cruelty, even if you're strong enough to "take" it. It won't be limited to you in the future. Stop raising a cruel person. I know you don't mean to and I know you're empathetic to her struggles. But don't let your empathy ruin her. Honestly....a self-concept as a cruel person is toxic to the heart. It will
Do more of a job on her self-esteem than executive functioning failures ever will. Don't let her get away with it.


This is sound advice, generally, but doesn't take into account specific context and family dynamics that have to be managed. That said, what type of punishments do you suggest? The teen is called out for their behavior; it's not ignored, and obviously there are the natural consequences of a shift in mood within the family/house when outbursts occur.


This is a new poster and ME TOO. Same as OP. Daughter is abusive. We are working now with a parent coach on how to deal with it for the precise reasons the PP pointed out. It’s very hard. We are taking away her phone and using it to shape her behavior. We are just starting it and I’ve already caved once because I don’t want to suffer the consequences. So I’m not saying it’s easy but we know we have to do it.
Anonymous
Post 01/14/2025 17:18     Subject: Re:How often have your teens made you cry
My DD a couple of times. DS? Never.
Anonymous
Post 01/14/2025 17:16     Subject: How often have your teens made you cry
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:This is a bit raw for me. I don't have examples of the nature as the PP above who has dealt with residential mental health treatment and criminal activity (hugs to you), but I probably cry 3-4 times a week due to the way my DD treats me. This may make me sound weak, but she just...has this burning need to lash out at me. She has inattentive ADHD and anxiety and I think she masks so much that it's just all unleashed on me. She's also just insecure after years of comparing herself to her sibling, who is more successful (in conventional terms - i.e., grades, sports, etc.). I used to let her see me cry, but that obviously wasn't helpful (she then felt awful about herself after, and the situation would spiral). Now, I just call her on the behavior and go behind closed doors to do it. I seem glimmers of improvement, but in the end she just cannot be nice to me. She's too focused on herself to understand how her words hurt. And yes, I talk to her about it. She knows she does it. She says she can't stop herself. It's BS, but it's where we are. So, many days, I cry. I know it's not personal, but it hurts nevertheless.


I could have written this myself. I am sorry PP, but you are not alone. My DD is 17 and just hates me, for no reason, since I can remember. We have done family therapy, individual therapy for her, her sibling, for each parent and as a couple, we have also done marital counseling because we don't agree on how to parent her. My DD has been tested, several times, and she is always diagnosed with executive functioning issues but apparently does not have ADD or ADHD (I still do not believe this). She has accommodations at school for her executive functioning and had an EF coach for a while. I wouldn't be shocked if in her 20s she is diagnosed with bipolar or some other similar condition. We have had her tested for so many things and the doctors tell us she's within the range of normal (whatever normal is) and that she is too young for other diagnosis.

I cry very often, usually when she cannot see me. I cry/mourn for the relationship we will never have, for the environment that hurts my younger DC, for my hurt feelings, for my marriage suffering, for the shame of how she behaves. She can be so horrible. I do not quit on her and I still parent her (she definitely needs what I call guardrails, boundaries, consequences). She has lost phone privileges, car privileges, the right to go on trips with friends/school, etc. In the long term, nothing sticks. This is just who she is, and I hate that for everyone. I also cry for how the world will treat her when she takes her attitude off to college where people have a choice whether or not to live with her, associate with her. It feels hopeless.



My teen DD has ADHD and is pretty mean to me on a daily basis. She talks back, is impulsive in her reactions to nearly any question ("WHAT?!?"), tells me directly in front of her friends that I'm annoying. She's pretty much like this with her little brother too. Not so much to my DH--she gets along with him. There are sweet moments from time to time but mostly she just lashes out at me. Nice to her friends though! And their parents...I've given up. I'm hoping it will evolve with maturity but we'll never have that close mother daughter relationship some girls have with their moms. At least I've got my son for that.
Anonymous
Post 01/14/2025 12:51     Subject: How often have your teens made you cry
Anonymous wrote:This is a bit raw for me. I don't have examples of the nature as the PP above who has dealt with residential mental health treatment and criminal activity (hugs to you), but I probably cry 3-4 times a week due to the way my DD treats me. This may make me sound weak, but she just...has this burning need to lash out at me. She has inattentive ADHD and anxiety and I think she masks so much that it's just all unleashed on me. She's also just insecure after years of comparing herself to her sibling, who is more successful (in conventional terms - i.e., grades, sports, etc.). I used to let her see me cry, but that obviously wasn't helpful (she then felt awful about herself after, and the situation would spiral). Now, I just call her on the behavior and go behind closed doors to do it. I seem glimmers of improvement, but in the end she just cannot be nice to me. She's too focused on herself to understand how her words hurt. And yes, I talk to her about it. She knows she does it. She says she can't stop herself. It's BS, but it's where we are. So, many days, I cry. I know it's not personal, but it hurts nevertheless.


I could have written this myself. I am sorry PP, but you are not alone. My DD is 17 and just hates me, for no reason, since I can remember. We have done family therapy, individual therapy for her, her sibling, for each parent and as a couple, we have also done marital counseling because we don't agree on how to parent her. My DD has been tested, several times, and she is always diagnosed with executive functioning issues but apparently does not have ADD or ADHD (I still do not believe this). She has accommodations at school for her executive functioning and had an EF coach for a while. I wouldn't be shocked if in her 20s she is diagnosed with bipolar or some other similar condition. We have had her tested for so many things and the doctors tell us she's within the range of normal (whatever normal is) and that she is too young for other diagnosis.

I cry very often, usually when she cannot see me. I cry/mourn for the relationship we will never have, for the environment that hurts my younger DC, for my hurt feelings, for my marriage suffering, for the shame of how she behaves. She can be so horrible. I do not quit on her and I still parent her (she definitely needs what I call guardrails, boundaries, consequences). She has lost phone privileges, car privileges, the right to go on trips with friends/school, etc. In the long term, nothing sticks. This is just who she is, and I hate that for everyone. I also cry for how the world will treat her when she takes her attitude off to college where people have a choice whether or not to live with her, associate with her. It feels hopeless.

Anonymous
Post 01/14/2025 12:21     Subject: How often have your teens made you cry
Last night I was so angry and disappointed I teared up in my room. They were smart enough to perfectly clean the house before going to bed last night, but there will be hell to pay when they get home. They are facing significant lifestyle changes for the foreseeable future.

That was the first time.
Anonymous
Post 01/14/2025 12:18     Subject: How often have your teens made you cry
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:This is a bit raw for me. I don't have examples of the nature as the PP above who has dealt with residential mental health treatment and criminal activity (hugs to you), but I probably cry 3-4 times a week due to the way my DD treats me. This may make me sound weak, but she just...has this burning need to lash out at me. She has inattentive ADHD and anxiety and I think she masks so much that it's just all unleashed on me. She's also just insecure after years of comparing herself to her sibling, who is more successful (in conventional terms - i.e., grades, sports, etc.). I used to let her see me cry, but that obviously wasn't helpful (she then felt awful about herself after, and the situation would spiral). Now, I just call her on the behavior and go behind closed doors to do it. I seem glimmers of improvement, but in the end she just cannot be nice to me. She's too focused on herself to understand how her words hurt. And yes, I talk to her about it. She knows she does it. She says she can't stop herself. It's BS, but it's where we are. So, many days, I cry. I know it's not personal, but it hurts nevertheless.


As a grown woman with inattentive ADHD, I honestly urge you with vehemence to punish her for this behavior.

I understand her neurodiversity might mean she tends to be more reactive, but she CAN'T take her frustrations and moods out on other people. You are raising her to be a functional grown woman, not just to survive her teen years. If she can only cope now by lashing out with the person most important to her, but also "safest" to her, she will do it as an adult...to future partners, spouses, roommates, even children.

Yes, masking is exhausting. Yes, not measuring up to her other sister sucks. But developing a self-concept as a person who is cruel to her mother also sucks. It is NOT your job to protect her from the consequences of her cruelty (seeing you cry). It's your job to help her STOP coping with stress by verbally lashing out.

I know it's hard. It might require an ADHD coach or really good family therapist who is an expert in ADHD and doesn't think it's okay to continue this behavior with her disability as an excuse.

Cruelty is cruelty, even if you're strong enough to "take" it. It won't be limited to you in the future. Stop raising a cruel person. I know you don't mean to and I know you're empathetic to her struggles. But don't let your empathy ruin her. Honestly....a self-concept as a cruel person is toxic to the heart. It will
Do more of a job on her self-esteem than executive functioning failures ever will. Don't let her get away with it.

+1

Previous PP, your DD lacks positive coping skills to live independently and hold down relationships. You are conflating your empathy for her ADHD and masking challenges with a failure to help your DD make changes in her life, to stop hurting herself and others. What are you waiting for? Get on some therapy waitlists. Don't mince words with the therapists about what your DD is doing, and how often.

-Fellow special needs parent
Anonymous
Post 01/14/2025 11:49     Subject: How often have your teens made you cry
I guess I’m lucky; My kids have never said anything to me to make me cry and I can’t think of a time when they’ve been disrespectful to my husband or me.

My youngest is neurodiverse and I did worry about him when he was first diagnosed in 4th grade (he’s a hs junior now) and did cry over some of his struggles, but he has Beene in a great place since about 6th grade.
Anonymous
Post 01/14/2025 11:43     Subject: How often have your teens made you cry
I’ve cried a few times due to exhaustion and financial stress due to my ex not paying CS. So it’s not really my teen causing the issue but the “What do I do now?

I have also cried due to my son’s mental illness and trying to make all of the decisions myself. Thank God I have good insurance or I would be crying a lot more about it.
Anonymous
Post 01/14/2025 11:41     Subject: How often have your teens made you cry
While she was failing out of HS and refusing to deal with her eating disorder, many times. Never because of anything she said.