Anonymous wrote:I work PT - three evenings a week.

Kids activities - signup and rides: me unless I am at work, then my mother will do pickup since he's still at work at those times.

Kids academic enrichment: me

Cooking meals: me. If I am working I leave a cooked meal behind.

Packing school lunch: me

House cleaning: me

Dishes: whoever is home runs before bed

Taking trash out: me unless he notices it's overflowing

Planning vacations: 100% me. I've decided to drop the rope on this this year and see what he does.

Kids bath and bedtimes: he does if I am at work, otherwise me

Did you warn him? Doesn't seem fair to at least not provide a heads up.

Also if you're going to resent him if it doesn't work, this seems like a terrible plan.

Anonymous wrote:There’s another thread talking about how SAHP is great IF both parents are involved. What counts as involved? I’m a SAH. Who do you expect does:

Kids activities - signup and rides

Kids academic enrichment

Cooking meals

Packing school lunch

House cleaning

Dishes

Taking trash out

Planning vacations

Kids bath and bedtimes

I am a longtime SAHM. When kids were under 5 it was all hands on deck whenever DH was at home. Once the kids are school aged I do everything on that list except DH helps with evening rides, academics/homework and bedtime. I do all the rest (and am fine doing so.)

Working mom jealous of these involved dads. I work and handle 90% of this list. Womp womp.

I’m a SAHM of 3 kids. K and 2nd Grade.

Kids activities - I sign up for all the activities and populate the calendar. DH helps with driving. We try to do some activities online, if possible.

Kids academic enrichment - Me

Cooking meals - Me

Packing school lunch - Me

House cleaning - Me + I coordinate cleaners.

Dishes - Me more, but DH helps sometimes

Taking trash out - DH

Planning vacations 100% me

Kids bath and bedtimes - Me

Doctors kids visits - Me

Grocery Shopping- mostly Me

Fixing up around the house- DH

Cars maintenance - DH

Yard/Lawn - DH and he coordinates cleaning, mowing etc

I was a SAHM with a spouse working long hours.

I did all the mental load things. I planned the menu, shopped, and cooked and packed lunches. I kept track of which kids needed medical appointments and took them and filled the prescriptions, and remembered which nights the kid wore the retainer. I planned all the birthday parties and summer camps and selected and kept the schedule for extracurriculars.

I did all of the household tasks that aren't super time dependent, like laundry, and cleaning the toilets, and taking the dog to the vet.

But when DH was home and awake (DH worked shift work, including overnights), he was a 50/50 partner. If the table needed to be cleared, he was as likely as me to do it. If a kid needed a bath or to be put to bed it might be him or me. If the trash needed to go out or the dishwasher needed to be emptied during the time he was home then it might be him or me. I did all the cooking, and all the homework help, because those are my strengths, and he did the yard work that came up during those times, and the dog walking, and took the kids outside to play, so we were both doing things but not always the same thing, but it was equal.

We also prioritized sitting down to a meal together whenever possible, whether that was breakfast, lunch or dinner, going to church together, and him attending the kids sports as much as possible.

This can depend greatly on how much childcare is required of the SAHP. As a SAHM who has always had 2 young kids at home, I rely more on my Husband to help with cleaning (among other things) at night and on the weekends. Now that my youngest is almost 2, and she’s our last, this frees up time. But a significant amount of my day is still simple childcare: diapers, potty training, feeding, cleaning up after, teaching rules, regulating.
Also with 3 kids, I spend a lot of time with clothes (sorting, storing, acquiring), and stuff that comes into the house in general. And never expected this to take so much time.

I SAH (mom)

Kids activities - signup and rides ME

Kids academic enrichment ME

Cooking meals ME

Packing school lunch DH

House cleaning ME (a little help from DH)

Dishes DH

Taking trash out DH

Planning vacations BOTH

Kids bath and bedtimes DH

I work PT - three evenings a week.

Kids activities - signup and rides: me unless I am at work, then my mother will do pickup since he's still at work at those times.

Kids academic enrichment: me

Cooking meals: me. If I am working I leave a cooked meal behind.

Packing school lunch: me

House cleaning: me

Dishes: whoever is home runs before bed

Taking trash out: me unless he notices it's overflowing

Planning vacations: 100% me. I've decided to drop the rope on this this year and see what he does.

Kids bath and bedtimes: he does if I am at work, otherwise me

I SAH with early elementary kids and DH works at home. I do everything on the list with some consulting with DH. DH helps with bath/bedtime unless he is working late. He also helps everyone get out the door in to he morning. DH goes to at least half kid activities and is on the committee of our cub scout troop. With conflicting after school activities DH will sometimes pick up a kid from school.

I also keep track of the car maintenance, landscaping, home projects and maintenance, budget/money, and kids therapies. We are all happy, but I am now feeling stuck as I cannot imagine DH being able to shoulder half of this burden so I can go back to work after so many years of this. I don't even think DH knows where laundry detergent is or where kitchen items are stored.

^Which is to say, dinner isn’t the only way to be involved. He helps with kids bed and bath time and attends practices and performances.

Anonymous wrote:Involved dh means he’s home for family dinner every night. He play games and does homework, he reads books at bedtime.

Splits chores after work, but most chores should be done by the sahm during work hours.

My DH can’t be home for dinner every night because of his work schedule. When he does make it home, a lot of times he doesn’t want to eat what we are eating because he has learned picky eating from his parents (white Midwest - no seafood, no meat unless burnt or fried, no to many fruits and veg, etc)

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd expect the SAH spouse to do everything house related. Taking out the trash doesnt require a penis.

I think both parents should be involved in baths/bed time and whatever you consider enrichment.

I would agree a lot of the house stuff has to happen after working spouse comes home. So there’s cooking dinner, washing dinner dishes, taking dinner garbage out, cleaning up house after the after school rush.

But more staple chores like laundry, weeding the yard, could be tackled by SAHP during school hours.

NP and the most tedious and time consuming part of cooking is cutting up veggies which can definitely be done during school hours. No idea what cleaning up after the school rush is but other than wiping down counters and cleaning up spills it can probably be done the following day. Alternatively if you're talking about your kid's mess they can clean up their own stuff.

I don’t think that would save me much time. I can wash and cut vegetables while the pan heats up.

Anonymous wrote:There’s another thread talking about how SAHP is great IF both parents are involved. What counts as involved? I’m a SAH. Who do you expect does:

Kids activities - signup and rides

Kids academic enrichment

Cooking meals

Packing school lunch

House cleaning

Dishes

Taking trash out

Planning vacations

Kids bath and bedtimes

I work and I do 90% of these. If I were SAH I’d do the same and still expect DH to participate in bath/bedtime when he’s home. DS does trash.

I SAH. Kids are school-aged.

Kids activities - signup and rides— we discuss what they’ll do together, but I sign them up, pay registration, provide vast majority of rides. DH sometimes picks them up and comes to many games, concerts, etc.

Kids academic enrichment— N/A

Cooking meals— mostly me; DH sometimes does on weekends when he has time.

Packing school lunch— me

House cleaning— both

Dishes— mostly me, but both

Taking trash out— me

Planning vacations— we discuss together; I research & book everything.

Kids bath and bedtimes— both

Anonymous wrote:Exactly how is this possible for most people?

When my first kid was born my wife said I want to be SAHM as she resented her Mom for working, all her HS activities, she had no parents there, no help with anything. She would walk home from Middle School in pouring rain as no Mom to pick her up. Most of other moms SAHM.

She sprung this one me three months after first born and we just bought a house and she was 50 percent of my income.

I had to double my income quick. To do that I took a very demanding job with long hours. I left for work at 650 am and go home usually at 730 pm. I was very involved but the fact was I was gone around 12 hours day 5 days a week. And that was for 16 years.

My salary went way up around 4x due to work, my wife her chances of going back got harder. It was cycle hard to break. In retrospect it was a happiest times. She had three kids back to back, she had a lot of money coming in and no husband bothering her all day and little money worries.

How sad for you!