Op here, I finally came back to read everyone’s answers. Many of you pinpoint my concerns on page 2.

(-) going pro. It’s not about that
(-) being the best on their teams
(-) travel teams
(+) what it is about = the things I learned by putting in effort have served me through life. Staying with piano (in that case you absolutely have to practice. Your teacher will know at the next lesson if you did not) taught me how you go from nothing to Tchaikovsky over years. And how you can go from nothing to a simple song like The Entertainer in a few months as a 4th grader. And how at 37, you can still improve from your old soccer and cross country days. I hit a new PR for running as a studies some methods and applied them.


I have the adult perspective; they don’t. But, I guess, I was *developing* it during ES. I want that helpful experience for my kids.

Overall, I got my wish and I do feel more relaxed about them. It’s all up to them. I can’t learn it for them.

Thank you all.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You cannot force it. Either they want it and will do it or they will not

This. I have two kids, one of each kind. They are what they are.

I feel you, OP. I have had the same discussions with my kids. They are sporty but also it’s a very social thing for them. They won’t do the extra practicing on their own. So far it hasn’t impacted playing time but it may in the future. Like yours, they won’t go pro with this, so I don’t push it. I have bigger fish to fry in terms of making sure they’re ready to go to college and be successful adults later on. I remind them and if they were to be frustrated about playing time, I would say more but that’s it.

Several things:

Kids start out in a few sports. They are easy to join. That does not mean they will be ones that work well for the kid as they grow and mature. Soccer, for example, is a game for fast kids. You can play when you are young if you are slow, but you will never be good even if you work hard at technical skills.

It is up to parents to pay attention to your own kids physical abilities and attributes. Your daughter who is headed for 6 feet tall is not going to be a gymnast. But, volleyball and basketball are real possibilities. Maybe your son who is headed for 5’7” will be the next Mugsy but he will likely be better at sports where being tall is less of a requirement.

Not everything is about playing pro or college. Being on a high school swim team is about being on a team and having fun with your school mates. And, getting in shape. You may never win a race, but you can have a great time.

Kids do not know what they need to do to improve. Practice. Practice what? Practice a move a 100 times is boring. What person wants to do that? No one. So how do kids improve? It takes a ton of effort and pushing. The real goal being for kids to learn that getting good at anything takes real effort and real practice. No one sits down at the piano for the first time and plays Mozart. No one can one touch control a centering pass until they have tried 3-400 times.

The big thing for parents to work on - and it takes years - is to get your kids to understand that the real fun is in working to improve yourself. Then - win or lose a game - matters significantly less. But, how you did matters more.

My daughter played college soccer for 4 years. Obviously a good player and she played very high level club soccer. But, on her youth teams she had many teammates who switched to other sports along the way. Very good athletes but soccer was just not a great fit. She played with kids who later played college lacrosse, ran x-country, swam, played basketball, and my favorite is the girl who went to a D3 and played soccer, basketball and golf.

Do not get wedded to a particular sport, just because. Parents need to be involved and on top of what physical development is going on, and what will go on in the future.

Finally, no 11/12 year old is going to know what to do on their own. Get with parents of a friend and together hire a local college or high school kid to work with them once a week or twice a week in the summer. Overpay the “coach” so it is a priority for them. Your kid will work better and harder for a non-parent and get a ton more out of sessions which you can help plan to address specific weaknesses.

By the way - all the kids playing at high levels in whatever sport are already doing the same thing. You don’t have to hire the team coach - but do keep things very small. Your kid and one other. They can have fun, and work on different ends of the same play. Example: one works on centering. One works on finishing.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have three high school athletes. I've found that the sports where I have to push them to train individually haven't been the ones that they stuck with and love. They liked those things just fine, and enjoyed playing with a team, but the sports they loved...which didn't happen until middle school or high school...I don't have to bug them to practice, they are doing it on their own.

Exactly this.

My kid was in a soccer team, was terrible, but enjoyed running around with the other kids. In 2nd grade, he started basketball, and by 5th grade he was obsessed.

Yes, try new things.

Anonymous wrote:I have three high school athletes. I've found that the sports where I have to push them to train individually haven't been the ones that they stuck with and love. They liked those things just fine, and enjoyed playing with a team, but the sports they loved...which didn't happen until middle school or high school...I don't have to bug them to practice, they are doing it on their own.

Exactly this.

My kid was in a soccer team, was terrible, but enjoyed running around with the other kids. In 2nd grade, he started basketball, and by 5th grade he was obsessed.

I think it is OK to say that you are not going to pay for travel sports if your kids don't practice on their own. But that only works if you are OK actually follow through on that threat. My kid is into music and I made it very clear that I would only pay for private lessons and youth orchestra if she practiced on her own (which she does without being asked).

Anonymous wrote:I have three high school athletes. I've found that the sports where I have to push them to train individually haven't been the ones that they stuck with and love. They liked those things just fine, and enjoyed playing with a team, but the sports they loved...which didn't happen until middle school or high school...I don't have to bug them to practice, they are doing it on their own.

I agree with this. The ones they want to practice on their own are more likely to stick. I would keep looking. We switched to goalkeeper in soccer and he actually asks to practice. Game changer!

DS is 11 and has tried all sorts of sports, said he loved them all, but not once would practice at home, watch a game/video, etc. on them and kept on falling behind his peers. Until last year when he started running and now he's VERY into it, to the point we have to limit some workouts at home because we don't want him over doing it. He's studying other runners, working on technique, learning about nutrition, doing cross training and more (along with regular track or cross country practices). Not one bit of it is coming from us and I can finally see the difference from before.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You cannot force it. Either they want it and will do it or they will not

This. I have two kids, one of each kind. They are what they are.

Same.

It has to come from within. For my kids the self motivation kicked in around 11-12.

My 9 year old is in the same situation. He wants to watch youtube all day, and I force him to sign up some team sports to stay away from screentime. He always says no first, and he ends up liking those practice/games even though his team always lose. So far, he has played soccer since K for a few year and basketball for a season. He also does swim since K and tennis for a season. I believe tennis and swim are considered individual sports. He never practices outside of the practice/game time because he would rather spend those time on youtube. He is not a strong player, and he does all these for recreational purposes. It seems kind of a loop that he is not good at any sports but he enjoys them. I treat them as fitness and exercise, but it costs more and time consuming than joining a monthly gym. I also want to teach him the concept that practices make perfect, but he is not willing to do it

They probably sense your pressure/internal doom.

If elementary age, relax. They'll practice more solo or with you if you make it fun. And they have time! And puberty!

But for long term development, make sure the practice includes the correct fundamentals. Practicing for the sake of practicing does no good.

Anonymous wrote:Option D OP. Go in the garage and play basketball with your kids. Spend some quality time WITH them. This keeps them off electronics, gives you some special time with your kids, keeps their skills sharp, and keeps them having fun.

It sounds like that is what she has tried to do and they say “tomorrow Mom.”

My kids are a bit older (14/12/10) and I could write a very similar scenario. I pretty much have done the same, offered to play/practice with them, provided the equipment needed to do some at home training and explained the importance of self improvement. I wish I could tell you it clicked, but they barely did anything over break and I didn’t force them to. We travelled for half of break and they were home while I wfh the rest. They weren’t allowed on screens most of the day and had to spend some time outside, but they chose other things to do.

The oldest is the most likely to practice his sport at home, but really doesn’t a ton. At a younger age, he threw against a flyback and hit into a net a lot. Unfortunately, his practice did not pan out and he was eventually cut from travel baseball. He practices stick handling and shooting some but not a ton.

The younger two are probably going to learn a hard lesson about not practicing at home next season. Both play travel in their sports now, but the age groups they move to next year will be more challenging to make the team.

Enroll them both in a speed and agility or other type of class.

I am in the same position with my 10 year old. He made a travel team this year, and loves going to practice and being with his team. He is a decent player. But he puts in absolutely no time on his own practicing. Its made me realize that he loves his team, but Im not sure he actually loves the sport. Does that make sense? And that is fine with me, but I know that without passion for the sport, and willingness to work independently, he will get left behind. Already he is in the bottom half of the team. And like I said, that would be fine if he didn't also expect that he will continue to be part of this team without needing to put a little extra in.

I told him recently that I would never force him to practice but that the people I know of who play in high school and beyond (and we named a few family and friends we both know) were regularly playing on their own. Our neighbor who plays soccer in college used to set up cones and dribble down the street for hours on his own. And that is why he plays at a high level. DS will say "I want to go pro, I love this sport!" but it never occurs to him to go out and practice on his own.

I think others are right that you can suggest it and you can provide opportunities but you can otherwise not do much to make it happen until they find their own passion.