Anonymous
01/05/2025 15:08
Subject: How families have changed in the last 50 years.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Biggest difference--people are smarter and refuse to take the abuse.
Just like there were less divorces back in the day. Didn't mean that women didn't want them
+1
This is it exactly. Everyone thought they were "the only one" going through the s***.
Now people understand it and deal with it.
I agree. It’s honestly heartbreaking to me to see how guilt and other negative emotions have convinced boomers and some gen x to maintain relationships with toxic relatives. Millennials don’t play that game.
Anonymous
01/05/2025 15:00
Subject: How families have changed in the last 50 years.
Anonymous wrote:DH and I were talking the other night about how both of our families have dysfunction going back at least several generations, but how differently it impacts people today compared to 50 years ago, and how differently people feel and think about it.
The dysfunction in question is lots of alcohol abuse in both families, mental health issues that largely went undiagnosed, plus trauma -- lot of abuse against kids when they were young (not just spanking but like kids being beaten up by parents and siblings), plus societal traumas like the Great Depression, WWII, and the act of immigrating with no money and to a country where they faced a lot of discrimination.
But there are these stark differences between how our parents' and grandparents' generations handled those issues, and how our generation is handling it.
I just wonder what changed. A lot of the same issues are present by where my parents and grandparents managed to work through them to maintain family ties, my generation just isn't. I now wonder if I will ever see my siblings after my parents pass -- if things continue as they are, I will only see them if I do all the work to make it happen. It's sad.
You’re only describing a very small piece of the population. 50 years ago people were treated for mental health issues. There were probably more people who were ignorant about it and didn’t seek help but it was there, as bad as it is today. Most kids weren’t beaten. There are always immigrants coming in but most Americans have had generations of being American 50 years ago.
Fifty years ago young people had Vietnam to deal with along with the veterans being poorly treated. Our best leaders had been assassinated. The South was a hellhole that would burn their neighborhood down before they let Black people live there. Times weren’t great for a lot of people. I don’t think people today appreciate that although this country has many issues including why they would vote for someone like half of Americans did, there have been many worse times in our history.
Anonymous
01/05/2025 13:07
Subject: How families have changed in the last 50 years.
My mother is estranged from her siblings as well. I can’t find a good reason. I am fairly close with my siblings despite us all being busy and not necessarily living nearby.
I suspect your family is not representative. Each family is different!
I suspect your family is not representative. Each family is different!
Anonymous
01/05/2025 13:06
Subject: Re:How families have changed in the last 50 years.
Anonymous wrote:As much as it pains me to say it (I have only sons): the key for OP is “brothers”.
Closeness tends to revolve around the female relationships in the family IME. For example: my DH grew up in a family of 6 (3 sons, 3 daughters). His three sisters are very close. The unmarried (long time bachelor) brother makes a big effort with all of his siblings and is close with everyone. DH and his other brother (also married) are less close with the family. There is not any animosity or anything, and both married brothers/families attend family events etc but don’t talk or see each other and the rest of the family much beyond that. They are busy raising families and don’t really make the effort to keep in touch. Other SIL and I (the married-ins) are both close with our own sisters.
I did try to make more effort early on to “bond” with DH’s sisters but we really don’t have much in common and they have never seemed super interested. Same for the other SIL (DH’s brother’s wife). We all get along fine when we see each other at family events.
In prior generations I think we’d all have tried harder (maybe) but everyone is so busy these days. And married men tend not to pick up the slack.
Seems like if I want my own sons to be close as adults, I should REALLY be hoping their wives become close.
It's so frustrating to see people spouting this sexist drivel in 2025.
Anonymous
01/05/2025 13:05
Subject: Re:How families have changed in the last 50 years.
Anonymous wrote:It used to be more rare to move far away from family- that is a big piece.
Also, I think women used to spend more time maintaining family ties (even with ILs) than they do now. My dad had 4 brothers- my mom and the other wives planned everything, kept in close touch, and the men mostly just showed up. Most women do a lot less of this now (I know I do)- & expect the DH to take the lead with his family (and many men don’t do a great job at keeping in touch).
Historically inaccurate. The history of this country is that people moved away from their hometowns. This is not a recent change at all.
Your sexist views of families is ignorant. If men don't do a good job of maintaining ties it is because they were trained that this is women's work. There is nothing in their natures that make men bad at this.
You are clearly poorly educated.
Anonymous
01/05/2025 13:04
Subject: Re:How families have changed in the last 50 years.
Anonymous wrote:It used to be more rare to move far away from family- that is a big piece.
Also, I think women used to spend more time maintaining family ties (even with ILs) than they do now. My dad had 4 brothers- my mom and the other wives planned everything, kept in close touch, and the men mostly just showed up. Most women do a lot less of this now (I know I do)- & expect the DH to take the lead with his family (and many men don’t do a great job at keeping in touch).
This!
Anonymous
01/05/2025 13:01
Subject: How families have changed in the last 50 years.
Anonymous wrote:Biggest difference in younger generation?
Self-absorption.
If children are raised to believe that their feelings and wishes are paramount to anyone else's then you wind up in situations like yours OP. That includes school and social systems that evolved into the "give everyone an award" mindset. Every kid is special.
That wasn't the case not so long ago. From important things to small things.
This situation has been percolating and was predicted. Read "The Narcissism Epidemic. Living in The Age of Entitlement" by Twenge. You will find she was spot-on.
absolute horse shite.
Anonymous
01/05/2025 13:00
Subject: How families have changed in the last 50 years.
Anonymous wrote:DH and I were talking the other night about how both of our families have dysfunction going back at least several generations, but how differently it impacts people today compared to 50 years ago, and how differently people feel and think about it.
The dysfunction in question is lots of alcohol abuse in both families, mental health issues that largely went undiagnosed, plus trauma -- lot of abuse against kids when they were young (not just spanking but like kids being beaten up by parents and siblings), plus societal traumas like the Great Depression, WWII, and the act of immigrating with no money and to a country where they faced a lot of discrimination.
But there are these stark differences between how our parents' and grandparents' generations handled those issues, and how our generation is handling it.
Our grandparents and parents all stayed very close with their siblings, even the ones with serious issues (like serious alcoholism or mental health issues) and continued to maintain those relationships throughout their entire lives. Our parents still talk to or see their living siblings at least once a week even now in their 70s and 80s. And it's not just about proximity -- my parents live very far from all but one of my dad's siblings and they bridge that gap. My mom visits her sisters on opposite sides of the country at least once a year. My dad visits his brothers all over the country regularly. My MIL is in poor health but maintains relationships with all 5 of her living siblings even the ones who live several states away, by phone and occasional visits. They have their differences but their approach is that family is family and they never cut each other out.
Our generation is a different story. I have a sister who has all but cut off all ties with much of our family. She will take my calls but barely communicates and never reach out. My brothers have not cut me off but never reach out or visit. When we visit them, they seem excited to see us and are welcoming but there's no real effort to maintain those relationships. And it is similar with my DH's brother -- we visit him when we visit MIL and he seems glad to see us but he does nothing to maintain or further those relationships. He's never had us over to his house. With him I speculate it is partly because he's never married and he doesn't have the skills for that kind of thing, but my brothers are both married with kids and I have good relationships with my SILs, but still there's no effort from my brothers. One of my SILs I exchange regular emails and texts with and the other we keep track of each other on social media and send holiday cards and kid's birthday cards. But neither of my brother's ever acknowledges my birthday or my kids birthdays and never initiates contact with me, ever.
I just wonder what changed. A lot of the same issues are present by where my parents and grandparents managed to work through them to maintain family ties, my generation just isn't. I now wonder if I will ever see my siblings after my parents pass -- if things continue as they are, I will only see them if I do all the work to make it happen. It's sad.
Your generalizations are bs. Back in the day, people moved and left their family farm and rarely ever saw one another or talked. People didn't live like the Waltons. Most Americans moved for jobs after the depression and travel wasn't easy and talking on the phone was expensive. It wasn't unusual to not be in contact with family other than at Christmas for many people. Yes, some people elected to never leave their hometown, but most Americans did.
Anonymous
01/05/2025 12:08
Subject: Re:How families have changed in the last 50 years.
As much as it pains me to say it (I have only sons): the key for OP is “brothers”.
Closeness tends to revolve around the female relationships in the family IME. For example: my DH grew up in a family of 6 (3 sons, 3 daughters). His three sisters are very close. The unmarried (long time bachelor) brother makes a big effort with all of his siblings and is close with everyone. DH and his other brother (also married) are less close with the family. There is not any animosity or anything, and both married brothers/families attend family events etc but don’t talk or see each other and the rest of the family much beyond that. They are busy raising families and don’t really make the effort to keep in touch. Other SIL and I (the married-ins) are both close with our own sisters.
I did try to make more effort early on to “bond” with DH’s sisters but we really don’t have much in common and they have never seemed super interested. Same for the other SIL (DH’s brother’s wife). We all get along fine when we see each other at family events.
In prior generations I think we’d all have tried harder (maybe) but everyone is so busy these days. And married men tend not to pick up the slack.
Seems like if I want my own sons to be close as adults, I should REALLY be hoping their wives become close.
Closeness tends to revolve around the female relationships in the family IME. For example: my DH grew up in a family of 6 (3 sons, 3 daughters). His three sisters are very close. The unmarried (long time bachelor) brother makes a big effort with all of his siblings and is close with everyone. DH and his other brother (also married) are less close with the family. There is not any animosity or anything, and both married brothers/families attend family events etc but don’t talk or see each other and the rest of the family much beyond that. They are busy raising families and don’t really make the effort to keep in touch. Other SIL and I (the married-ins) are both close with our own sisters.
I did try to make more effort early on to “bond” with DH’s sisters but we really don’t have much in common and they have never seemed super interested. Same for the other SIL (DH’s brother’s wife). We all get along fine when we see each other at family events.
In prior generations I think we’d all have tried harder (maybe) but everyone is so busy these days. And married men tend not to pick up the slack.
Seems like if I want my own sons to be close as adults, I should REALLY be hoping their wives become close.
Anonymous
01/05/2025 11:26
Subject: Re:How families have changed in the last 50 years.
Anonymous wrote:It used to be more rare to move far away from family- that is a big piece.
Also, I think women used to spend more time maintaining family ties (even with ILs) than they do now. My dad had 4 brothers- my mom and the other wives planned everything, kept in close touch, and the men mostly just showed up. Most women do a lot less of this now (I know I do)- & expect the DH to take the lead with his family (and many men don’t do a great job at keeping in touch).
Yep! Two career families. Working moms build the network they need and that may or may not be with biological family.
Anonymous
01/05/2025 08:13
Subject: How families have changed in the last 50 years.
I agree with other PPs.
I think part of it is that years ago there were few outside activities for kids beyond school. My 3 kids are transported around to multiple activities either sports, music, etc after school. When I was a kid, we were home playing outside with a mixed ages, gendered, group of kids from our neighborhood, including siblings. We spent a lot more time together. Family in as how you identified yourself and how you were identified by others in many cases.
I think part of it is that years ago there were few outside activities for kids beyond school. My 3 kids are transported around to multiple activities either sports, music, etc after school. When I was a kid, we were home playing outside with a mixed ages, gendered, group of kids from our neighborhood, including siblings. We spent a lot more time together. Family in as how you identified yourself and how you were identified by others in many cases.
Anonymous
01/05/2025 08:00
Subject: How families have changed in the last 50 years.
My mom and her 3 siblings all hate each other for the most part. Once their parents died, everything really unraveled. Three of the four all live in the same town. They don’t speak or get together. They were all born in the 1950’s. I don’t think looking at things anecdotally really proves anything though. I know plenty of people close to their families now, others not so much.
Anonymous
01/05/2025 07:52
Subject: How families have changed in the last 50 years.
My parents left their country ti get away from toxic family. Thus was the 70s.
Families have shears vern estranged. We just talk about it more
Families have shears vern estranged. We just talk about it more
Anonymous
01/05/2025 07:36
Subject: Re:How families have changed in the last 50 years.
That’s not uniformly true.
My grandfather didn’t stay in contact with his family much due to racism. He got a job and faced discrimination. He was worried that he would lose his job if he stayed in contact with them. His bosses threatened him to stop contacting them so he did.
This was more than 50 years ago.
I think codependency is a strong pull with isolated family groups. It’s difficult to make new connections when you build ties with people just because of shared history.
My grandfather didn’t stay in contact with his family much due to racism. He got a job and faced discrimination. He was worried that he would lose his job if he stayed in contact with them. His bosses threatened him to stop contacting them so he did.
This was more than 50 years ago.
I think codependency is a strong pull with isolated family groups. It’s difficult to make new connections when you build ties with people just because of shared history.
Anonymous
01/05/2025 06:15
Subject: How families have changed in the last 50 years.
There is an expectation now for people with mental health issues or neurodiversity or alcoholism/other addictions to seek treatment and (importantly) to stay on top of their condition with medications and treatment programs that didn’t exist before.
The flip side of that is that if you refuse treatment, your family may be less patient to ride it out with you.
The flip side of that is that if you refuse treatment, your family may be less patient to ride it out with you.