Anonymous wrote:Women always eventually conclude they "settled" even though they married the best guy they could catch at the time.

^ This one knows

Anonymous wrote:I am very much in love. I married a man who is a fairly high earner and good dad, but not someone I was super attracted to or had a deep connection with. We are 17 years and 4 kids in. He has turned out to be a wonderful father, which is very attractive, and he has been open and receptive to learning what I like in bed, so the sex is great and keeps getting better.

He did have trouble with addiction a few years into our marriage, and that was hard. We nearly got divorced. But he went to rehab and has been sober 12 years. It’s been good.

Love your story- can you share more? Did you go into the marriage with very similar underlying values/priorities/cultural background?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If I had waited for the deep connection person, I'd still be waiting. Same for most people I know.
Several us have kids, but lucky to get rid of the partners and not have to be in a marriage anymore or ever.

I'm 20+ years into “settling”, with 2 children in their early 20s. Earlier this year, I met someone who I deeply connected with - for the first time since my marriage.

What do you think you will do?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Divorce. He love bombed me and I settled. But I thought he would at least treat me well. Well, the love bombing was a control tactic. I had kids and he made decent money and I had stayed home so stayed with him for 10 years. Got to be emotional abuse and I just couldn’t make it any longer.

Similar. In process of divorce. I stayed home 5. We are in year 11. Emotion abuse. Worried about kids.

I was the same! Married 14 years the last 5 were abusive, I was a trailing spouse. Post separation abuse has continued now in year seven. Sucks

Husband is okay. He was not the ideal partner for me but the biological clock was ticking and I’m so glad I have the kids. Had it not been for the kids, I would not still be with him by now, but economics and the logistics of coparenting make it better to be together, and I do not have a big hankering for another romantic relationship, so it doesn’t seem worth leaving him. Ironically, though I basically stayed with him because of the kids, the older they get the better my husband and I get along, and I think in the end the kids will leave, and we will have a pleasant companionate marriage.

I think this is complicated. I didn’t think I settled at the time, I thought he really loved me. I didn’t anticipate his addiction and emotional abuse, or didn’t recognize the signs. 9 years and 2 kids later, I’m trying to be smart about next steps.

Anonymous wrote:These are so bleak. Feel sorry for the posters, the husbands, and the kids.

For society as well for making it necessary to have a wedding, a time consuming job, a mortgage and 2.5 kids to prove your worth.

If you know there is no love and longevity then why not just stay single and not have kids or adopt orphans?

Anonymous wrote:If I had waited for the deep connection person, I'd still be waiting. Same for most people I know.
Several us have kids, but lucky to get rid of the partners and not have to be in a marriage anymore or ever.

So y'all opted to manipulate someone to get what you wanted then messed up children's life and merrily moved on?

These are so bleak. Feel sorry for the posters, the husbands, and the kids.

For us, the problem isn't attraction, but a complete lack of shared goals. Eventually there will be a blow up and it will be over.

20+ years in. He was kinda my last hope, I met him at 32 and no one else was knocking my door down for me.

Some red flags which I downplayed in my mind, and while I am so glad I have my two great kids, i debate divorce on a weekly basis. Daily when our oldest is home from college and Dad’s emotional immaturity is aimed towards DS.

I divorced after the kids left home.

I’m 20 years in. My guess is we will explode after my last kid leaves for college. That’s a long way away.
He’s emotionally abusive. Sometimes kind but usually not. I just hold it all in.

I will not divorce him because I do not trust him with the kids alone!!!! He’d feed them and get them to school but he’s the type that won’t pay the bills or sign them up for anything and then get mad that there are fines or the kids miss out because HE was late.
He wouldn’t get them help for adhd for example. Won’t help with homework that he disagrees with. He teaches math the way he thinks it should be for example.
He is better on antidepressants but if I left, he’d stop taking them.

My oldest knows how tough things have been. One day he will explain how things really were to my youngest but for now I’m just doing my best to keep it all together.

I'm still married. Kids are great. We have plenty of money. It's nice.