Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To me this reads like WFH spouse is trying to maximize time with the kids, which I get, but it also can seem a bit like WFH spouse is trying to continue their previous lifestyle and hasn't really wrapped their head around the fundamental reality of divorce. I'm not sure that working so little hours is viable for WFH spouse long-term. And I'm not sure that the RTO parent having so little waking time with the kids is in the kids' best interest. If the RTO parent doesn't want the time, then okay.

It also seems like the RTO parent's dating would be Saturdays-only, is that ok? I guess they could socialize in the daytime Sundays.

And I also don't get how WFH spouse is going to manage naps and kid activities as a single person on Saturdays and Sundays. It might work for a year or so, maybe after that the youngest kid drops their nap or you have a weekend babysitter? Think it through and price it out.

I don't get this concern at all. Plenty of parents manage multiple kids by themselves on weekends.

It seems like the commuting parent is the one who wants things the same. They seem to want all the time they previously had, and the house, and to have the kids sleeping at their place, but not to actually take on any of the responsibilities for parenting, such as finding the flexibility in your schedule.

It seems like what would be in the best interest for the kids, would be for the parent who has been primary their whole lives to keep the house. During the week, the other parent can come over at 6:00 on MWF and stay with the kids until they are tucked in and asleep, and then on every other Friday they can take them for the weekend. That seems way healthier than asking preschoolers to make multiple transitions every day.

They're losing half of Saturday and all of Sunday though.

Sometimes kids like to see both parents frequently. Other times they find the transition itself to be stressful and disruptive, and do better with less back-and-forth. It could go either way.

Don't underestimate the difficulty of keeping track of all their possessions, with 3 kids too little to do that for themselves. Also, as time goes on, homework?

we're separated STBX but eat family dinner together every night. The kids are pretty young, 6 and 8, and I imagine we'll not do it all the time when after school activities take over. We've being doing this for 18 mo so far.

Anonymous wrote:To me this reads like WFH spouse is trying to maximize time with the kids, which I get, but it also can seem a bit like WFH spouse is trying to continue their previous lifestyle and hasn't really wrapped their head around the fundamental reality of divorce. I'm not sure that working so little hours is viable for WFH spouse long-term. And I'm not sure that the RTO parent having so little waking time with the kids is in the kids' best interest. If the RTO parent doesn't want the time, then okay.

It also seems like the RTO parent's dating would be Saturdays-only, is that ok? I guess they could socialize in the daytime Sundays.

And I also don't get how WFH spouse is going to manage naps and kid activities as a single person on Saturdays and Sundays. It might work for a year or so, maybe after that the youngest kid drops their nap or you have a weekend babysitter? Think it through and price it out.

I don't get this concern at all. Plenty of parents manage multiple kids by themselves on weekends.

It seems like the commuting parent is the one who wants things the same. They seem to want all the time they previously had, and the house, and to have the kids sleeping at their place, but not to actually take on any of the responsibilities for parenting, such as finding the flexibility in your schedule.

It seems like what would be in the best interest for the kids, would be for the parent who has been primary their whole lives to keep the house. During the week, the other parent can come over at 6:00 on MWF and stay with the kids until they are tucked in and asleep, and then on every other Friday they can take them for the weekend. That seems way healthier than asking preschoolers to make multiple transitions every day.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who's gonna do all the school holidays, breaks, sick kids, etc? If you are the WFH spouse, OP, you need to make sure you're not being a stay-at-home wife for someone who isn't your husband anymore. You need to stop picking up his share of inconveniences unless you are truly fairly compensated.

This is fair and helpful, thank you.

Have you met with a financial planner, just for yourself? It's so important, ***for the long-term benefit of your kids***, that you be on a sound financial footing.

It's great that your divorce is amicable, but don't overestimate how amicable it actually is. RTO spouse is no longer your partner as an individual. They are your co-parent, great, but they simply do not have the same obligation to consider your long-term interests and your finances that married people have. So you need to look out for yourself. Remember, they could lose their job, become sick or disabled, die, any number of things can happen that would affect your child support and what your children receive from their other parent. So you really need to take your financial life seriously. If your ex remarries and has more kids, or just a new partner, you may find that your divorce becomes much less financially favorable to you. Right now you're in sort of the honeymoon phase of divorce, where the necessity of co-parenting makes it important to get along. But it won't last forever.

Anonymous wrote:Who's gonna do all the school holidays, breaks, sick kids, etc? If you are the WFH spouse, OP, you need to make sure you're not being a stay-at-home wife for someone who isn't your husband anymore. You need to stop picking up his share of inconveniences unless you are truly fairly compensated.

This is fair and helpful, thank you.

To me this reads like WFH spouse is trying to maximize time with the kids, which I get, but it also can seem a bit like WFH spouse is trying to continue their previous lifestyle and hasn't really wrapped their head around the fundamental reality of divorce. I'm not sure that working so little hours is viable for WFH spouse long-term. And I'm not sure that the RTO parent having so little waking time with the kids is in the kids' best interest. If the RTO parent doesn't want the time, then okay.

It also seems like the RTO parent's dating would be Saturdays-only, is that ok? I guess they could socialize in the daytime Sundays.

And I also don't get how WFH spouse is going to manage naps and kid activities as a single person on Saturdays and Sundays. It might work for a year or so, maybe after that the youngest kid drops their nap or you have a weekend babysitter? Think it through and price it out.

Who's gonna do all the school holidays, breaks, sick kids, etc? If you are the WFH spouse, OP, you need to make sure you're not being a stay-at-home wife for someone who isn't your husband anymore. You need to stop picking up his share of inconveniences unless you are truly fairly compensated.

What happens to the WFH spouse's earnings potential and financial security long-term?

It seems like the hands-on, time-intensive parenting model is a luxury a lot of divorced people cannot afford.

Is your house big enough that you can all live in the same house? Maybe one spouses lives in the basement, and the others on the upstairs bedroom floor, and the main living level (and kids rooms) are common space.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you live very close together (as in less than a 5 minue walk) then it could work otherwise it seems to just be using the wfh parent as a driver and and a way to limit nights at their place to probably try to get more child support.

The non wfh parent seems to see this as they should have the kids anytime they are home and the wfh parent gets the leftover crumbs. Seems more like the wfh parent is seen as a nanny and not an actual parent.

Where would wfh parent take them when they are picked up at 7:30? Is their role just to drive there, pick them up, and ferry them to school? Does their school start shortly after 7:30.

This plan seems like it is being done with only one person's interests in mind (the parent gone all day) and not considering the kids or the wfh parent.

I really disagree. if the parents can pull this off, it’s an arrangement that provides a lot of consistency for the kids while seeing both parents a lot of the time. It is unconventional and does involve the WFH parent being willing to do a lot of back & forth, but also capitalizes on the greater flexibility of their job.

Right. If both parents are in agreement at least while kids are young, it could work.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think this could work well for a while. The only issue I see here is that RTO parent doesn’t get a full weekend day. So you may want to have WFH parent do Thursday and Friday nights instead. Then RTO parent gets all of Sunday.

This is helpful thank you.

No problem. We have an unconventional arrangement where one parent has more nights and the other parent has an open door to see kid whenever (and also take extra vacation time). I think it’s worked very well. It does require that you have a fairly calm day to day relationship with your ex because you will be seeing them a lot. (My ex is in my house a lot!) Of course you still cannot stand them for whatever good reasons but you have to be able to have a legitimately tension-free atmosphere when you’re in the same room from time to time. And living close together is obviously important. We are walking distance apart.

With three kids I think this flexibility could be even more positive- eg one parent can take a little one somewhere for toddlers while other parent takes the older two swimming. As long as you both are focused on the kids’ best interests and not getting “my time” as a parent.

I am really confused by the description of the WFH job as "flexible".

Is this a part time job? If I see it, the wfh parent would only be getting 3 hours of work done during the day, because the youngest kids seem to be in school 8:30 to noon. So, is the other parent paying significant alimony to make up for them not being able to hold a real job? You only mention child support, but the parent needs to support themselves too.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you live very close together (as in less than a 5 minue walk) then it could work otherwise it seems to just be using the wfh parent as a driver and and a way to limit nights at their place to probably try to get more child support.

The non wfh parent seems to see this as they should have the kids anytime they are home and the wfh parent gets the leftover crumbs. Seems more like the wfh parent is seen as a nanny and not an actual parent.

Where would wfh parent take them when they are picked up at 7:30? Is their role just to drive there, pick them up, and ferry them to school? Does their school start shortly after 7:30.

This plan seems like it is being done with only one person's interests in mind (the parent gone all day) and not considering the kids or the wfh parent.

Actually the wfh parents gets way more time with the kids- 1 hr in morning and 3 hrs after school with oldest kid, 6 hours after school with younger two, vs 2 hours a day total for commuting parent. Wfh parent will be the one receiving child support.

Is the commuting parent planning on paying the WFH parent as a childcare provider?

I think that if the commuting parent pays the WFH parent enough alimony or childcare payments to let them continue to work very part time, then a plan where the WFH parent continues to be the daytime childcare provider can make sense, but nights should still be closer to 50/50.

Hmm that’s a good point. If WFH parent has a flexible and low paying job because the marriage relationship was predicated on them doing more of the childcare, then this becomes trickier. Then indeed this arrangement means they are getting effectively 50%+ custody but no child support. So if this is the case then commuting parent needs to consider what is fair in terms of child support.

Anonymous wrote:I think this could work well for a while. The only issue I see here is that RTO parent doesn’t get a full weekend day. So you may want to have WFH parent do Thursday and Friday nights instead. Then RTO parent gets all of Sunday.

This is helpful thank you.