Anonymous wrote:I have one very difficult kid and he has gotten better every year. He is only 10, so I cant speak to the teen years. But we have been putting up with angsty and defiant behavior since birth, so this idea of your teenager transforming from sweet to rotten doesnt resonate with me. I think my spouse and I have done the hard work to keep progressing and learning how to provide support, and I expect it to keep getting better.

This is generally the answer I hear from other families with difficult kids. We arent scared of the teen years.

I'm one of your people, PP. Our difficult kid is 16 and this is the hardest year so far. I expect things to plateau at 17-18, just in time for adult-level challenges (literally) to set in. Solidarity.

Depends on the kid.

My oldest was a super easy until she was 13 then it was hell well into her 20s.

My second was challenging between ages 3-9 but easier teen.

My youngest was a horrible newborn. Truly miserable and traumatic but has been a breeze since the day they turned 1.

Anonymous wrote:I agree it depends, and I like the thoughtful response from the poster above who has the one kid with the strong personality.

From my perspective, as mom to three kids in their early to late 30s, I'd say the mid-20s were the toughest for me. The "kids" made a lot of decisions that flew in the face of what I thought was best, but of course I had no right to object (and didn't).

I have a somewhat controlling personality, so having to be on the sidelines was difficult. Now that my adult kids are older and I'm more used to my role as bystander, it's become easier. I'm still not thrilled with, say, one daughter's professional path or another daughter's choice of spouse, but I accept that it's not my business and I simply enjoy the time I spend with them.

Thank you PP, this was really helpful for me to read--my kids are late teens and I'm needing to walk the line between being helpful and supportive without being TOO MUCH and I recognize that part of it is needing to become more comfortable with the bystander role. It's helpful to see what you wrote about just enjoying them and accepting that certain things are in their realm now.

For the other PP who doesn't understand why parenting doesn't stop at 18--I don't think I would have understood this either, before having kids of this age. The best way I can put it is this: if there were a speeding truck toward your 18yo, you would shove him out of the way, right? The hard part of being a parent to a young adult is figuring out the difference between what is a speeding truck and what is the stuff that is just a part of growing up.

Anonymous wrote:My oldest is turning 9 soon and I believe every year is a challenging age. Maybe I just have a challenging kid in general though.

To add, I'm really looking forward to the teen years.

My oldest is turning 9 soon and I believe every year is a challenging age. Maybe I just have a challenging kid in general though.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mine are 16 and 13. It’s obviously less physically demanding now, but to me it’s so much more stressful. They are pushing for independence, think they know everything, no longer adore you as a parent. It’s just a lot less rewarding. They are good kids, but I constantly have to remind myself I am playing the long game and my reward is not today or tomorrow but 10 years from now when they are launched adults with (hopefully) good heads on their shoulders.

Mine are the same age and I’m finding it so incredibly difficult. You think you know them so well and it turns out you have no idea what’s going on inside their heads. It’s terrifying.

This. And they all seem to be questioning their gender or sexual orientation - which seems so bizarre to me as a middle aged person.

I have one very difficult kid and he has gotten better every year. He is only 10, so I cant speak to the teen years. But we have been putting up with angsty and defiant behavior since birth, so this idea of your teenager transforming from sweet to rotten doesnt resonate with me. I think my spouse and I have done the hard work to keep progressing and learning how to provide support, and I expect it to keep getting better.

This is generally the answer I hear from other families with difficult kids. We arent scared of the teen years.

Anonymous wrote:Anything after 18. They get to do what they want and you can't stop them. Tattoo on face, drop outbof school, drugs and alcohol, get married etc. They can do it all without your permission and knowledge.

But serious question, how does any of that impact you?

Anonymous wrote:Mine are 16 and 13. It’s obviously less physically demanding now, but to me it’s so much more stressful. They are pushing for independence, think they know everything, no longer adore you as a parent. It’s just a lot less rewarding. They are good kids, but I constantly have to remind myself I am playing the long game and my reward is not today or tomorrow but 10 years from now when they are launched adults with (hopefully) good heads on their shoulders.

Mine are the same age and I’m finding it so incredibly difficult. You think you know them so well and it turns out you have no idea what’s going on inside their heads. It’s terrifying.

Anonymous wrote:Even if your kids are adults, their decisions can still impact you in many ways. Financially (dropping out of college, dangerous behaviors that lead to accidents/major health issues, etc for example). My neighbor's DD drove drunk and caused a pretty bad accident. She was in a rehab facility for a month after being in the hospital for a while. Her parents had to hire a private nurse that wasn't covered by their insurance because she wasn't able to care for herself while they were at work. Eventually, her mom retired early (probably losing money in that decision) to be her caretaker.

While this is of course true, it's not like drunk driving and going through rehab are universal phases everyone goes through. And most adults are functional and independent even if they are also doing dumb, problematic stuff. You also are no longer legally or culturally expected to take on all your kids problems once they are adults (it may feel that way to some but it's not). So to call it the hardest parenting phase is a little odd. Yes, good and loving parents will still show up for their kids even in adulthood. But by then they are their own people and you have the option of saying "I wish you well in figuring out how to deal with this."

The worst for me was middle school. However, it had more to do with the middle school and not my children.

My children are now in the their twenties. Each stage had its challenges and its rewards. So far, it has been one enormously long slog. One of mine is on the edge is ASD and one has multiple severe LDs. Both were/are very good in math and sciences both needed help with humanities, except for history. Both are very different in their challenges and strengthens otherwise so I didn’t learn a lot from the first that I could apply to the second.

One day at a time. Try not to plan ahead too too much.

Even if your kids are adults, their decisions can still impact you in many ways. Financially (dropping out of college, dangerous behaviors that lead to accidents/major health issues, etc for example). My neighbor's DD drove drunk and caused a pretty bad accident. She was in a rehab facility for a month after being in the hospital for a while. Her parents had to hire a private nurse that wasn't covered by their insurance because she wasn't able to care for herself while they were at work. Eventually, her mom retired early (probably losing money in that decision) to be her caretaker.

13 was the least enjoyable. My oldest is only 14 though so the worst may still be yet to come.

I agree it depends, and I like the thoughtful response from the poster above who has the one kid with the strong personality.

From my perspective, as mom to three kids in their early to late 30s, I'd say the mid-20s were the toughest for me. The "kids" made a lot of decisions that flew in the face of what I thought was best, but of course I had no right to object (and didn't).

I have a somewhat controlling personality, so having to be on the sidelines was difficult. Now that my adult kids are older and I'm more used to my role as bystander, it's become easier. I'm still not thrilled with, say, one daughter's professional path or another daughter's choice of spouse, but I accept that it's not my business and I simply enjoy the time I spend with them.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Anything after 18. They get to do what they want and you can't stop them. Tattoo on face, drop outbof school, drugs and alcohol, get married etc. They can do it all without your permission and knowledge.

But that’s on them. You did your job.

Yeah, I don't get this. I do think there are parenting challenges with adult kids (so hard to watch your kid go through big challenges at work or in relationships and to only be able to offer moral support, and their problems can be so stressful and serious) but the idea that they can do what they and you can't stop them isn't one of them. That's the relief of kids becoming adults and being responsible for their own actions -- it's not all on you anymore. If you are upset that your adult kids are doing stuff without your "permission and knowledge" then you don't understand the point of parenting.