Anonymous wrote:

1. It's good that you know not to criticize - you will only push her into his arms. You are wise.

2. Brilliant people usually need non-brilliant partners, OP. All the brilliant people closest to me (my husband, my cousin, my daughter), have their best relationships with people with lower IQs than their stratospheric ones; and who have better emotional control and maturity. It's no wonder at all that she could not live with her brilliant but immature ex. My husband is older than me but is less mature and quite volatile. I am the steady hand at the rudder, with a much higher emotional quotient than his.

3. It's hard to watch your adult children make mistakes and have no control. Best of luck navigating this next part of their lives.

Your emotional quotient is off the charts! Thanks for this kind, measured post.

I am not OP but am facing a very similar situation. As the parent of an adult child you can keep your mouth shut and have concerns at the same time.

People who are not there yet, or dodged this bullet, should not judge.

It’s your house. You decide who is invited.

Anonymous wrote:

1. It's good that you know not to criticize - you will only push her into his arms. You are wise.

2. Brilliant people usually need non-brilliant partners, OP. All the brilliant people closest to me (my husband, my cousin, my daughter), have their best relationships with people with lower IQs than their stratospheric ones; and who have better emotional control and maturity. It's no wonder at all that she could not live with her brilliant but immature ex. My husband is older than me but is less mature and quite volatile. I am the steady hand at the rudder, with a much higher emotional quotient than his.

3. It's hard to watch your adult children make mistakes and have no control. Best of luck navigating this next part of their lives.

Thank you for this kind post, PP. and for your empathy. It is so hard to see my DD shrinking to fit herself to this man. She is still young and has a lot of growing to do. She is off to a great start with an extremely promising career and mentors who encourage and support her. Her BF has none of that. I fear he will stifle her, unintentionally, but his very presence in her life seems already to clip her wings. She seems less imaginative, funny, engaged with the world of ideas that she used to love. I miss the old her.

Anonymous wrote:Anything negative you say will be held against you forever should they end up married.

I agree with this wholeheartedly. Our DD has been dating a nice young man for two years and engagement is on the horizon. Early in the relationship (and even more recently) the boyfriend's mother was horrible and withheld invitations to the silliest of things, clearly trying to place a wedge into the relationship which did not work. I was there for those tears that my DD would shed at the hands of her boyfriend's mother, and I will never forget what she has put my DD through, never. I see this woman who will become part of our family as a troublemaker who is unhappy or unfulfilled in her life and tragically plays the "look at me" game every change she gets and it is truly sad to witness. Nevertheless it is my DD's choice to be with this young man, and he is very good to her, but I have cautioned her on the "mother in law chronicles ala DC Urban Moms (lol) to no avail. These are her choices to make, my job is to be there and listen, hold the occasional hand and support my grown DD in her choices. And yes, I did pipe in early on during one of conversations that she should look at the big picture with his mother when deciding how she wanted her life to play out, and that was it. I never brought it up again, this is her choice.

1. It's good that you know not to criticize - you will only push her into his arms. You are wise.

2. Brilliant people usually need non-brilliant partners, OP. All the brilliant people closest to me (my husband, my cousin, my daughter), have their best relationships with people with lower IQs than their stratospheric ones; and who have better emotional control and maturity. It's no wonder at all that she could not live with her brilliant but immature ex. My husband is older than me but is less mature and quite volatile. I am the steady hand at the rudder, with a much higher emotional quotient than his.

3. It's hard to watch your adult children make mistakes and have no control. Best of luck navigating this next part of their lives.

Anonymous wrote:My brilliant, accomplished daughter has been dating a very dull, unaccomplished man who smothers her with attention and is very clingy. I'm sure she's a good catch for him. He's a rebound boyfriend following her breakup with a very bright but extremely immature boyfriend.
She wants to bring this man to Christmas, but I didn't invite him and don't want him at our family's celebration. Can I tell her this?
Her father and I have said nothing to her about what we think of him (of course), but now she's hinting at getting engaged. They've been dating for eight months.
I have seen this scenario before among my friends and my friends' children. It never ends well. My DD is "in love" so will hear nothing.
Advice?

Shut up
It is her must you make
You raised aninsecure woman what do you expect?
This is on you she didn’t wake up one morning and change

Both her bfs are similar she has a type nothing you do now changes this

OP again. And is it wrong of me to think it's rude of DD to bring her dull boyfriend along to every family event she is invited to? I do not invite him, but she brings him anyway, even if we have to scramble around to make new reservations. Often, she makes the reservations and picks the restaurant so she can include him. I feel like he's freeloading.
We are not rich. I'd dislike him even more if he were rich.

Anonymous wrote:Anything negative you say will be held against you forever should they end up married.

Yeah, that's what I'm afraid of. I fear the mask will slip and I will get irritated and say something I regret over Christmas dinner. The bf also has poor manners, which I guess is snobbish of me to say, but it grates on me. I was raised differently, and I tried to raise my children to behave well. Usually, they do. But DD is enamored of this guy. I asked him very politely to pass something to my husband when we took them out to dinner (we asked her to dinner, but she brought him, uninvited) and DD got extremely upset with ME, telling me I had no right to ask him to do anything! I was paying for a nice meal, and I thought it was OK to ask him to please pass something to my husband. Offense?? Yes, he is dull. No spark, no humor, no imagination. I have no idea what they talk about. They both play the same sport, but I can't see that they have anything else in common.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At least give us your definitions of dullard and unaccomplished.

I assume if he was a dullard but rich, you would be fine.

You assume wrong.

Yeah sure. Again, define both of these terms for us so we understand what you are talking about.

If the kid was rich, somehow he wouldn’t seem so dull.

Be polite and kind and be a safe space for your daughter. Support her and ask probing questions

Anonymous wrote:At least give us your definitions of dullard and unaccomplished.

I assume if he was a dullard but rich, you would be fine.

You assume wrong.

Anonymous wrote:BTDT. No you can’t say anything. She invites him and you are a gracious host. You can secretly hope it blows over. If she is as intelligent self aware and emotionally mature as you say she is, she will make the right choices for herself. I get it OP she has more potential and is more accomplished than the bf. We sat back and let it play out. DD called it quits on her own timeline. And yes we are relieved!

Thank you, kind PP for this post. This is my instinct, but I can vent my real feelings on DCUM! Her bf is a few years older, but he's a dull bro, good looking but no spark, not in any way her intellectual or creative equal. I see her shrinking to fit, and it's hard to watch her become so diminished by this man. I fear it will be hard to hide my feelings about him if he comes to our house for Christmas. He has take up all her time, and she seems buried by him. She is professionally accomplished, but mature? She's flattered by his intense focus on her, but doesn't realize it's not healthy and can't last.

I think its reasonable to hint that you think engagement is premature (since it's been 8 months, which would be early). But you can't stop her from bringing him to Christmas, or she will just be resentful and shut you out.

At least give us your definitions of dullard and unaccomplished.

I assume if he was a dullard but rich, you would be fine.

Anything negative you say will be held against you forever should they end up married.