Anonymous
12/06/2024 16:35
Subject: Three years in
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP, I think you need to stop thinking of this in such all-or-nothing terms. It's not 24/7 residential care vs. no help. It's not leaving your DH vs everything stays the same.
First, your DH needs to step up on spending time with her. He should be the one playing cards with her. If you need to exit the building and leave them alone together, do it.
Second, you can hire a companion to sit with her. That will give her fresh social interaction and free you up to be elsewhere in the house resting or getting things done. If this person is just sitting with her and isn't responsible for meds, feeding, toileting, etc. and is never alone in the building, it's a pretty cake job and easy to find.
OP already said in the second paragraph of her original post that they do have some companion help for her.
So then they need to hire more "companion help" hours each day
Anonymous
12/06/2024 16:32
Subject: Re:Three years in
In reality, you need to talk to your husband and discuss a memory care facility. Tell him how draining it is, and that it is no longer safe for her to be in your home, with the issues increasing.
There is nothing wrong with being overwhelmed and done with providing care to a family member living with you. With a job, you come home to another job and it's not healthy
I'd speak up, and if your husband doesn't understand, it is not a you problem, it's a him problem. He can start taking on more of the burden if it's so easy
There is nothing wrong with being overwhelmed and done with providing care to a family member living with you. With a job, you come home to another job and it's not healthy
I'd speak up, and if your husband doesn't understand, it is not a you problem, it's a him problem. He can start taking on more of the burden if it's so easy
Anonymous
12/06/2024 13:52
Subject: Three years in
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:AARP can be a good resource for many aspects of geriatric care: https://www.aarp.org/caregiving/
There are many for-profit ($$) organizations out there.
Right now, it sounds as if you just need a break--maybe an hour or two to take a walk/go get a cuppa coffee/say you're going holiday shopping or have a work event--and I agree with the person who says a college student or even a mature high school student seeking SSL hours could come and play cards, a board game, or watch whatever on TV. When your MIL needs more care, you can explore other options. For some people (read: husbands, brothers) they are just not programmed to help. So you have to be very specific in your requests. Not: "Can you just be with your mom for an HOUR??" but "Tomorrow at 4PM, I need to go out. Please look at this scrapbook/teach your mom a new card game/watch specific program she likes on TV, not the news until 6PM? And I'll come home with a pizza for dinner." Good luck, OP. You are NOT evil or selfish, but human.
new poster here
I'm not sure what SSL hours are; I'm assuming service hours for some type of honors or service organization like National Honor Society? Personal servitude wouldn't count for hours in any of the organizations my kids have been in.
I know in the DMV area there are aging in place groups that have volunteers that help in many different areas (Northwest Neighbors in upper NW DC, believe similar for CC MD, etc.). A teenager could volunteer for an organization like that and then help with your mom for community service hours...or there may be existing volunteers willing to lend a hand.
The Northewest Neighbors volunteer application states that most volunteers need to be 18 or older. It makes sense-the organization wouldn't want to send minors into people's homes because that could be a liability.
18 is still a teenager with the bulk seniors in HS.
Really? Do you have stats to back that up? Maybe it's been your experience with your kids and your kids' friends, but it hasn't been my experience. I have four kids that have graduated high school in the last 8 years. All of them, at this point (December 6 of their senior year) were still 17. Some of their friends and classmates may have already been 18, but most of them turned 18 later in the school year or even after graduation. By mid spring (and certainly after graduation) they have already completed any service hours they need.
OP can certainly contact an organization like that to see if they can send a volunteer to visit with her MIL, but they way it was presented above (I'm not sure if it was you or a different poster) made it sound like they expected it could be a teenager OP was already familiar with (like a neighbor or family friend) who would go through the organization so the service hours could count.
I think that's unrealistic as it would involve
- a high school student that is already 18 and still needs service hours
- the organization assigning the student to OP's family, instead of just whichever senior had the greatest need/had been waiting the longest
-the student being available during the hours OP needs.
My kid and at least 75% of my kid's friends are seniors and have turned 18 already.
Not sure why this one factoid would cause you to write several paragraphs...i agree you contact the organization and they send someone out. Honestly, like 99% of the Northwest Neighbors volunteers are 50+. It's not a popular volunteer option for basically anyone youngish.
Right, which is why I thought it was unrealistic that a pp (you? Someone else?) suggested for OP to find a teen and encourage them to use the organization as a means to get the teen's service hours accomplished while helping OP.
Anonymous
12/06/2024 13:06
Subject: Three years in
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:AARP can be a good resource for many aspects of geriatric care: https://www.aarp.org/caregiving/
There are many for-profit ($$) organizations out there.
Right now, it sounds as if you just need a break--maybe an hour or two to take a walk/go get a cuppa coffee/say you're going holiday shopping or have a work event--and I agree with the person who says a college student or even a mature high school student seeking SSL hours could come and play cards, a board game, or watch whatever on TV. When your MIL needs more care, you can explore other options. For some people (read: husbands, brothers) they are just not programmed to help. So you have to be very specific in your requests. Not: "Can you just be with your mom for an HOUR??" but "Tomorrow at 4PM, I need to go out. Please look at this scrapbook/teach your mom a new card game/watch specific program she likes on TV, not the news until 6PM? And I'll come home with a pizza for dinner." Good luck, OP. You are NOT evil or selfish, but human.
new poster here
I'm not sure what SSL hours are; I'm assuming service hours for some type of honors or service organization like National Honor Society? Personal servitude wouldn't count for hours in any of the organizations my kids have been in.
I know in the DMV area there are aging in place groups that have volunteers that help in many different areas (Northwest Neighbors in upper NW DC, believe similar for CC MD, etc.). A teenager could volunteer for an organization like that and then help with your mom for community service hours...or there may be existing volunteers willing to lend a hand.
The Northewest Neighbors volunteer application states that most volunteers need to be 18 or older. It makes sense-the organization wouldn't want to send minors into people's homes because that could be a liability.
18 is still a teenager with the bulk seniors in HS.
Really? Do you have stats to back that up? Maybe it's been your experience with your kids and your kids' friends, but it hasn't been my experience. I have four kids that have graduated high school in the last 8 years. All of them, at this point (December 6 of their senior year) were still 17. Some of their friends and classmates may have already been 18, but most of them turned 18 later in the school year or even after graduation. By mid spring (and certainly after graduation) they have already completed any service hours they need.
OP can certainly contact an organization like that to see if they can send a volunteer to visit with her MIL, but they way it was presented above (I'm not sure if it was you or a different poster) made it sound like they expected it could be a teenager OP was already familiar with (like a neighbor or family friend) who would go through the organization so the service hours could count.
I think that's unrealistic as it would involve
- a high school student that is already 18 and still needs service hours
- the organization assigning the student to OP's family, instead of just whichever senior had the greatest need/had been waiting the longest
-the student being available during the hours OP needs.
My kid and at least 75% of my kid's friends are seniors and have turned 18 already.
Not sure why this one factoid would cause you to write several paragraphs...i agree you contact the organization and they send someone out. Honestly, like 99% of the Northwest Neighbors volunteers are 50+. It's not a popular volunteer option for basically anyone youngish.
Anonymous
12/06/2024 13:02
Subject: Three years in
What is this nonsense of “I cannot verbalize this” and “I am a terrible person”? Stop with that and start telling people including your husband how you actually feel.
I have a daughter with profound special needs which is fairly similar to taking care of a person with advanced Alzheimer’s. My husband and I have been doing this for 15 years. We both know that our daughter outliving us is a nightmare because she could be institutionalized for decades. I can say to my husband, friends and even a complete stranger “I would rather my daughter die tomorrow than outlive me.” It doesn’t make me a bad person. I’m not going to actively set out to kill her. I can also say “this level of caregiving is too much, no one can sustain this for decades, and we are going to likely have to place her somewhere else by the time she is 25.” Again, I’m not a bad person. I am realistic.
Some of this problem is internal to you. You have to stop thinking there is this one set way for this to play out for you to be a “good person.” And start telling people this is hard. No one is going to be like “you are horrible.”
I have a daughter with profound special needs which is fairly similar to taking care of a person with advanced Alzheimer’s. My husband and I have been doing this for 15 years. We both know that our daughter outliving us is a nightmare because she could be institutionalized for decades. I can say to my husband, friends and even a complete stranger “I would rather my daughter die tomorrow than outlive me.” It doesn’t make me a bad person. I’m not going to actively set out to kill her. I can also say “this level of caregiving is too much, no one can sustain this for decades, and we are going to likely have to place her somewhere else by the time she is 25.” Again, I’m not a bad person. I am realistic.
Some of this problem is internal to you. You have to stop thinking there is this one set way for this to play out for you to be a “good person.” And start telling people this is hard. No one is going to be like “you are horrible.”
Anonymous
12/06/2024 12:31
Subject: Three years in
With Alzheimer's, almost everyone I know (and unfortunately I know a lot bc of family genetics) has ended up needing a secure ward. I think, with physical involvement (which is typically quite late), you're probably close.
The alternative is to turn your house into a locked ward with an unpaid, grieving, untrained part-time caregiver (you). That's not sustainable. The evidence around Alzheimer's is that while it shortens the patients lifespan modestly, it significantly and persistently shortens the caregiver's lifespan.
Please do not sacrifice yourself.
The alternative is to turn your house into a locked ward with an unpaid, grieving, untrained part-time caregiver (you). That's not sustainable. The evidence around Alzheimer's is that while it shortens the patients lifespan modestly, it significantly and persistently shortens the caregiver's lifespan.
Please do not sacrifice yourself.
Anonymous
12/06/2024 12:07
Subject: Three years in
I feel for you OP, and the thoughts you are having are normal. I have the same thoughts about my mom and she’s in memory care. I love her completely but the quality of life just isn’t there and I’ll be so relieved when she’s gone. I don’t have any suggestions but I do feel for you.
Anonymous
12/06/2024 11:38
Subject: Three years in
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:AARP can be a good resource for many aspects of geriatric care: https://www.aarp.org/caregiving/
There are many for-profit ($$) organizations out there.
Right now, it sounds as if you just need a break--maybe an hour or two to take a walk/go get a cuppa coffee/say you're going holiday shopping or have a work event--and I agree with the person who says a college student or even a mature high school student seeking SSL hours could come and play cards, a board game, or watch whatever on TV. When your MIL needs more care, you can explore other options. For some people (read: husbands, brothers) they are just not programmed to help. So you have to be very specific in your requests. Not: "Can you just be with your mom for an HOUR??" but "Tomorrow at 4PM, I need to go out. Please look at this scrapbook/teach your mom a new card game/watch specific program she likes on TV, not the news until 6PM? And I'll come home with a pizza for dinner." Good luck, OP. You are NOT evil or selfish, but human.
new poster here
I'm not sure what SSL hours are; I'm assuming service hours for some type of honors or service organization like National Honor Society? Personal servitude wouldn't count for hours in any of the organizations my kids have been in.
I know in the DMV area there are aging in place groups that have volunteers that help in many different areas (Northwest Neighbors in upper NW DC, believe similar for CC MD, etc.). A teenager could volunteer for an organization like that and then help with your mom for community service hours...or there may be existing volunteers willing to lend a hand.
The Northewest Neighbors volunteer application states that most volunteers need to be 18 or older. It makes sense-the organization wouldn't want to send minors into people's homes because that could be a liability.
18 is still a teenager with the bulk seniors in HS.
Really? Do you have stats to back that up? Maybe it's been your experience with your kids and your kids' friends, but it hasn't been my experience. I have four kids that have graduated high school in the last 8 years. All of them, at this point (December 6 of their senior year) were still 17. Some of their friends and classmates may have already been 18, but most of them turned 18 later in the school year or even after graduation. By mid spring (and certainly after graduation) they have already completed any service hours they need.
OP can certainly contact an organization like that to see if they can send a volunteer to visit with her MIL, but they way it was presented above (I'm not sure if it was you or a different poster) made it sound like they expected it could be a teenager OP was already familiar with (like a neighbor or family friend) who would go through the organization so the service hours could count.
I think that's unrealistic as it would involve
- a high school student that is already 18 and still needs service hours
- the organization assigning the student to OP's family, instead of just whichever senior had the greatest need/had been waiting the longest
-the student being available during the hours OP needs.
Anonymous
12/06/2024 11:33
Subject: Three years in
What about a day program for the elderly? Some of them would even pick her up. It Definitely sounds like you need more time away from her in some form.
Anonymous
12/06/2024 11:11
Subject: Three years in
Plenty of younger, able-bodied spouses put their spouse into a professional facility at this juncture.
Anonymous
12/06/2024 11:09
Subject: Three years in
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:AARP can be a good resource for many aspects of geriatric care: https://www.aarp.org/caregiving/
There are many for-profit ($$) organizations out there.
Right now, it sounds as if you just need a break--maybe an hour or two to take a walk/go get a cuppa coffee/say you're going holiday shopping or have a work event--and I agree with the person who says a college student or even a mature high school student seeking SSL hours could come and play cards, a board game, or watch whatever on TV. When your MIL needs more care, you can explore other options. For some people (read: husbands, brothers) they are just not programmed to help. So you have to be very specific in your requests. Not: "Can you just be with your mom for an HOUR??" but "Tomorrow at 4PM, I need to go out. Please look at this scrapbook/teach your mom a new card game/watch specific program she likes on TV, not the news until 6PM? And I'll come home with a pizza for dinner." Good luck, OP. You are NOT evil or selfish, but human.
new poster here
I'm not sure what SSL hours are; I'm assuming service hours for some type of honors or service organization like National Honor Society? Personal servitude wouldn't count for hours in any of the organizations my kids have been in.
I know in the DMV area there are aging in place groups that have volunteers that help in many different areas (Northwest Neighbors in upper NW DC, believe similar for CC MD, etc.). A teenager could volunteer for an organization like that and then help with your mom for community service hours...or there may be existing volunteers willing to lend a hand.
The Northewest Neighbors volunteer application states that most volunteers need to be 18 or older. It makes sense-the organization wouldn't want to send minors into people's homes because that could be a liability.
18 is still a teenager with the bulk seniors in HS.
Anonymous
12/06/2024 10:53
Subject: Three years in
Anonymous wrote:Is there something like Al Anon for caregivers? If there’s not, there should be!!
I'm in a local sandwich generation caregiver group. They're super common. Look at the Alzheimer's association local groups, look on Facebook, etc.
Also, hire a care coordinator for a consult, who will know both where these groups are, what resources are out there that you haven't thought of (northwest village, day programs and the like) and handle the communication jointly with you and your husband. Its worth having a professional manage the conversation.
Start here:
https://www.aginglifecare.org/ALCAWEB/ALCAWEB/Default.aspx
Also.
I adore my mom. But I can't take care of her full time. And when I've needed to do it temporarily it has made me depressed, suicidal and also wishing for her death. It is common. Understandable. Your feelings are so valid. Whoever is making you feel they aren't (whether it's internal, spouse, the patient) does not have your best interest in mind. You have the right to put your needs first.
My guess is that the therapist was trying to say something similar.
Anonymous
12/06/2024 10:43
Subject: Three years in
Caring for a person indefinitely is hard work. Are you spending more time with your MIL than your husband? Does he have any siblings ? I see you have some care—could that be increased? It’s not surprising you are getting burnt out. This is the time to tell your husband exactly what you need. Maybe it’s additional hired help or him taking over 3 nights a week or placing her in a facility. You are a good person OP, but this situation will break you without help.
Anonymous
12/06/2024 10:06
Subject: Three years in
Anonymous wrote:OP, I think you need to stop thinking of this in such all-or-nothing terms. It's not 24/7 residential care vs. no help. It's not leaving your DH vs everything stays the same.
First, your DH needs to step up on spending time with her. He should be the one playing cards with her. If you need to exit the building and leave them alone together, do it.
Second, you can hire a companion to sit with her. That will give her fresh social interaction and free you up to be elsewhere in the house resting or getting things done. If this person is just sitting with her and isn't responsible for meds, feeding, toileting, etc. and is never alone in the building, it's a pretty cake job and easy to find.
OP already said in the second paragraph of her original post that they do have some companion help for her.
Anonymous
12/06/2024 10:04
Subject: Three years in
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:AARP can be a good resource for many aspects of geriatric care: https://www.aarp.org/caregiving/
There are many for-profit ($$) organizations out there.
Right now, it sounds as if you just need a break--maybe an hour or two to take a walk/go get a cuppa coffee/say you're going holiday shopping or have a work event--and I agree with the person who says a college student or even a mature high school student seeking SSL hours could come and play cards, a board game, or watch whatever on TV. When your MIL needs more care, you can explore other options. For some people (read: husbands, brothers) they are just not programmed to help. So you have to be very specific in your requests. Not: "Can you just be with your mom for an HOUR??" but "Tomorrow at 4PM, I need to go out. Please look at this scrapbook/teach your mom a new card game/watch specific program she likes on TV, not the news until 6PM? And I'll come home with a pizza for dinner." Good luck, OP. You are NOT evil or selfish, but human.
new poster here
I'm not sure what SSL hours are; I'm assuming service hours for some type of honors or service organization like National Honor Society? Personal servitude wouldn't count for hours in any of the organizations my kids have been in.
I know in the DMV area there are aging in place groups that have volunteers that help in many different areas (Northwest Neighbors in upper NW DC, believe similar for CC MD, etc.). A teenager could volunteer for an organization like that and then help with your mom for community service hours...or there may be existing volunteers willing to lend a hand.
The Northewest Neighbors volunteer application states that most volunteers need to be 18 or older. It makes sense-the organization wouldn't want to send minors into people's homes because that could be a liability.