Anonymous
12/15/2024 15:25
Subject: If you have kids from first marriage, how do you commit to a new relationship?
Anonymous wrote:OP you said, "I can never again give myself fully over to another person I love while responsible for my kids. ... In middle age - there are looming aging issues."
To edit your statement, you should delete the "while responsible" part. Fact is, no matter how old your children are you will always feel a sense of responsibility towards them.
Face the fact that you will probably never have a truly committed relationship with a man again because you simply can't commit. Your kids will always come first. That's true now, and it will be true when you are 80, 90 or 100 years old.
Can you meet someone? Sure. Can you have a long-term relationship? Sure. Can you explain that your kids come first? Sure.
This is all doable in theory. Where is becomes hard is when you try to actually practice it.
Let's say your kids are launched, families of their own, maybe even grandkids. You've been remarried for 10 years. If the kids call and say they've set up a big family reunion, but they don't want you to bring your spouse. They've never indicated that they don't like him, they would just like the gathering to be "real" family members. What would you do?
Let's say you have a kid who hasn't launched and might not. This kid need constant financial support to the level where it impacts your savings/retirement. If you give all you can to your kid, you will need to rely on your husband to pick up the slack. Would you expect that?
These are the kinds of things to think about before you even go looking for someone - casual or not.
Once you became a mother, your future is no longer yours.
Your first example is actually pretty easy - you raise your kids properly.
I have 2 young adult kids. My mom is in a serious relationship with a guy. Barring any serious offenses, I can’t imagine myself ever saying to my mom that her companion (they don’t live together) is not welcome because I want to gather our “real family” similarly to how I would never say to my kids in this situation that their partners are not welcome. This is a basic courtesy.
Anonymous
12/15/2024 10:27
Subject: If you have kids from first marriage, how do you commit to a new relationship?
Anonymous wrote:You seem to have made the best decision, with maturity and insight. Put your kids first, no one else will.
+1
Anonymous
12/15/2024 10:04
Subject: If you have kids from first marriage, how do you commit to a new relationship?
Anonymous wrote:I feel very sad that although I can have casual relationship and would like a longterm one, when it comes down to it my kids come first. I won't do anything that feels like a risk to my relationship with them or to our lives. I can never again give myself fully over to another person I love while responsible for my kids. My ex cohabited and blended families very quickly, and I just don't think it's good for the kids.
How do I accept that another adult, even when ideal, is a risk to my stability with the kids? In middle age I have assets, there are looming aging issues, I don't know how to approach this.
I totally get this. My first relationship after my divorce last 3.5 years but in the end I had to leave because he wanted more than I wanted to give - of my time, attention, partnership, etc. - because my kids came first. He also wanted me to be more involved in his kids lives that I wanted to be. I have three of my own. He was and is a great guy but I had much stronger boundaries about this.
I am now in a long distance relationship and have been for more than 5 years. It sounds crazy but it is working so well. He also has 3 kids and is very involved with them. We are each other's emotional support and partner but neither of us need/want the day to day at this time in our lives. We see each other at least once a month for a week or so. We are approaching the end of the long-distance era as our kids are flying the nest and I look forward to it, but also appreciate that I can still have the boundaries and autonomy I need to be the best mom I can be.
Anonymous
12/15/2024 09:57
Subject: If you have kids from first marriage, how do you commit to a new relationship?
Anonymous wrote:My cousin is divorced with 2 preteens. Her boyfriend of 4 years is also divorced with 2 early teens. They live within 2 blocks of each other but they don’t plan to move in together until the kids are off to college. They seem to be happy and the kids are doing well too.
I know a couple like this (I worked with one of the parents). It worked out really well for them, and the kids actually liked each other a lot and willingly spent a lot of time at the other house. Obviously, it takes two parents with good jobs and enough assets to make this work.
Anonymous
12/15/2024 07:47
Subject: If you have kids from first marriage, how do you commit to a new relationship?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Both of my sisters married men with children.
One brought none to marriage - eventually had one
The other brought one and added two of their
For one it’s been hellish for the other
It’s been easy ..
Is this an attempt at a haiku?
No
Anonymous
12/10/2024 13:45
Subject: If you have kids from first marriage, how do you commit to a new relationship?
Anonymous wrote:Both of my sisters married men with children.
One brought none to marriage - eventually had one
The other brought one and added two of their
For one it’s been hellish for the other
It’s been easy ..
Is this an attempt at a haiku?
Anonymous
12/09/2024 15:24
Subject: If you have kids from first marriage, how do you commit to a new relationship?
^ And as for the looming age issues, you need to plan NOW for what kind of care you may need and who is going to provide it. Expect to be solo and on your own at some point. Either in assisted living or full-time care.
Do not count on your adult kids as they will have their own families/children, who naturally, will take priority.
Do not count on your adult kids as they will have their own families/children, who naturally, will take priority.
Anonymous
12/09/2024 14:49
Subject: If you have kids from first marriage, how do you commit to a new relationship?
OP you said, "I can never again give myself fully over to another person I love while responsible for my kids. ... In middle age - there are looming aging issues."
To edit your statement, you should delete the "while responsible" part. Fact is, no matter how old your children are you will always feel a sense of responsibility towards them.
Face the fact that you will probably never have a truly committed relationship with a man again because you simply can't commit. Your kids will always come first. That's true now, and it will be true when you are 80, 90 or 100 years old.
Can you meet someone? Sure. Can you have a long-term relationship? Sure. Can you explain that your kids come first? Sure.
This is all doable in theory. Where is becomes hard is when you try to actually practice it.
Let's say your kids are launched, families of their own, maybe even grandkids. You've been remarried for 10 years. If the kids call and say they've set up a big family reunion, but they don't want you to bring your spouse. They've never indicated that they don't like him, they would just like the gathering to be "real" family members. What would you do?
Let's say you have a kid who hasn't launched and might not. This kid need constant financial support to the level where it impacts your savings/retirement. If you give all you can to your kid, you will need to rely on your husband to pick up the slack. Would you expect that?
These are the kinds of things to think about before you even go looking for someone - casual or not.
Once you became a mother, your future is no longer yours.
To edit your statement, you should delete the "while responsible" part. Fact is, no matter how old your children are you will always feel a sense of responsibility towards them.
Face the fact that you will probably never have a truly committed relationship with a man again because you simply can't commit. Your kids will always come first. That's true now, and it will be true when you are 80, 90 or 100 years old.
Can you meet someone? Sure. Can you have a long-term relationship? Sure. Can you explain that your kids come first? Sure.
This is all doable in theory. Where is becomes hard is when you try to actually practice it.
Let's say your kids are launched, families of their own, maybe even grandkids. You've been remarried for 10 years. If the kids call and say they've set up a big family reunion, but they don't want you to bring your spouse. They've never indicated that they don't like him, they would just like the gathering to be "real" family members. What would you do?
Let's say you have a kid who hasn't launched and might not. This kid need constant financial support to the level where it impacts your savings/retirement. If you give all you can to your kid, you will need to rely on your husband to pick up the slack. Would you expect that?
These are the kinds of things to think about before you even go looking for someone - casual or not.
Once you became a mother, your future is no longer yours.
Anonymous
12/07/2024 19:36
Subject: If you have kids from first marriage, how do you commit to a new relationship?
Don’t date someone with children who are still in the house. College kids or older. Older is better. Do not attempt to blend kids in a household.
Go slowly introducing this person (and his adult children) to your kids.
His job is to love and support you. Not parent your kids.
I’m a fan of being together, apart. Separate households so everyone can have family time in their own place. Even if his kids are completely on their own, have some time that is just you and your kids.
Get a pre-nup. Everyone should have a pre-nup.
Go slowly introducing this person (and his adult children) to your kids.
His job is to love and support you. Not parent your kids.
I’m a fan of being together, apart. Separate households so everyone can have family time in their own place. Even if his kids are completely on their own, have some time that is just you and your kids.
Get a pre-nup. Everyone should have a pre-nup.
Anonymous
12/07/2024 18:32
Subject: If you have kids from first marriage, how do you commit to a new relationship?
Both of my sisters married men with children.
One brought none to marriage - eventually had one
The other brought one and added two of their
For one it’s been hellish for the other
It’s been easy ..
One brought none to marriage - eventually had one
The other brought one and added two of their
For one it’s been hellish for the other
It’s been easy ..
Anonymous
11/28/2024 10:56
Subject: If you have kids from first marriage, how do you commit to a new relationship?
My cousin is divorced with 2 preteens. Her boyfriend of 4 years is also divorced with 2 early teens. They live within 2 blocks of each other but they don’t plan to move in together until the kids are off to college. They seem to be happy and the kids are doing well too.
Anonymous
11/27/2024 20:44
Subject: If you have kids from first marriage, how do you commit to a new relationship?
apple and oranges, my dear!Anonymous wrote:This is so different. My dad died my senior year in HS.
I am an only child.
I was so relieved when my mom married my junior year in college. I didn't have to skew my plans to take care of her. I didn't have to move home.
The guy and I never were close but it was fine.
Anonymous
11/27/2024 19:14
Subject: If you have kids from first marriage, how do you commit to a new relationship?
This is so different. My dad died my senior year in HS.
I am an only child.
I was so relieved when my mom married my junior year in college. I didn't have to skew my plans to take care of her. I didn't have to move home.
The guy and I never were close but it was fine.
I am an only child.
I was so relieved when my mom married my junior year in college. I didn't have to skew my plans to take care of her. I didn't have to move home.
The guy and I never were close but it was fine.
Anonymous
11/27/2024 19:08
Subject: If you have kids from first marriage, how do you commit to a new relationship?
Anonymous wrote:I feel very sad that although I can have casual relationship and would like a longterm one, when it comes down to it my kids come first. I won't do anything that feels like a risk to my relationship with them or to our lives. I can never again give myself fully over to another person I love while responsible for my kids. My ex cohabited and blended families very quickly, and I just don't think it's good for the kids.
How do I accept that another adult, even when ideal, is a risk to my stability with the kids? In middle age I have assets, there are looming aging issues, I don't know how to approach this.
It isn't.