My parents, who were middle class, helped with all 3 where they could. I got a mostly- free ride to college so it was a joint effort to some extent - I desperately wanted to go elsewhere but both schools were prestigious and it didn't make sense to spend that much on undergrad. When it was time to buy a place, they helped with about 10k towards the down payment so I could look at studios in a better neighborhood. I paid for all renovations and monthly payments and thrifted furniture. So you don't have to be rich to help. And I don't think it has negatively affected me but I suppose it has been far from the "silver platter" situation some might imagine when talking about this stuff.

If you can comfortably afford it, definitely all three.

Anyone who looks around at comfortable UMC and rich people knows that those who got these things paid for by their parents had a very good head start. And anyone who thinks kids “should” pay for these things has their head in the sand. In places like dc, down payments and college costs are paid by parents a lot. It’s pretty standard MO and kids who don’t have this help are already starting out one step behind.

My parents paid for all these things. They are wealthy but not bagillionaires. I still managed to be married with a well maintained home by 26, graduate top of my class from law school, and now in my forties I make seven figures. I’m also married to a hardworking man who makes similar. He came from poverty and got nothing from his family. I don’t believe this kind of financial support plays any role in what kind of adult kids turn into - other than helping to ensure they are financially comfortable adults!

Just 1.

Adults should handle their own business.

Anonymous wrote:Which of the following do you think are appropriate things for a spouse to expect their spouse to pay for their kids?

1. college
2. grad school
3. down payment for a new house

First of all, we don’t have separate monies based on which spouse. So, all monies are ours.

We also did not have expectations, we had goals and plans. We planned on paying for undergraduate college and were able to do so. One child had grad school paid for by their employer (yeah!) and one got a fellowship (yeah!). However, if they had chosen something that did not have that kind of availability, we would have helped with grad school to the extent that we could. For example, my nephew is in PT school and is living at home to cut costs and my sister and BIL are giving some toward the tuition so that he does not have a huge loan burden. He has no loans from undergrad.

We have also been very lucky in the house lottery. We bought in a DCUM high value area in the later 1990’s and will be selling and moving to a house that costs about half - in a preferred (to us) area. As a result, we will be able to help our children with a down payment.

One of our children, moved back in after college - for a one year planned period to save money and figure out where they wanted to live. They had a job that was commutable from our house. The deal was that they would save what it would have cost to live elsewhere, which is what they did. They ended up saying 2 1/2 years as a result of Covid and as a result saved enough for a down payment down the road.

If you have money to share, why not give your kids early inheritances- when they could most use it?

This is totally step kids, isn’t it?
If that’s the case, bio parent pays whatever they want out of their own money, or you won’t be spouses much longer.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Which of the following do you think are appropriate things for a spouse to expect their spouse to pay for their kids?

1. college
2. grad school
3. down payment for a new house

I assume this is a second marriage situation?

Winner, winner, chicken dinner.

Shared bio kids i would argue at least 1. If it's a step family situation the ispouse and the kids other parent is responsible for the kids education. Anything beyond undergrad is extra.

My parents paid for all three and I 100% believe I would be a better person today if I had been forced to provide 2 and 3 for myself. Totally unsurprising that the suburban NPCs in this thread who are auto-piloting the path that was laid down for them don't view themselves as having been negatively affected in any way by receiving a shitload of money from their parents, but that reflects an inability to introspectively contemplate their own lives.

Assuming shared/bio kids:
1) at least 50% of college costs, ideally 100%
2) not necessary but it’s nice to do.
3) not necessary but it’s nice to do if your kids are good (work hard, appreciate you as a parent etc). I’d give my kid at least 20k to help.

Assuming they are not your bio kids:
- fully depends on how long you’ve known them. If you’ve been married 10+ years and raised them, they are effectively your adopted children and are just as important as bio kids.
If you’ve only know them less than 5 years and aren’t really their parent then I’d say you’re not obligated to help with 1 2 or 3.

Anonymous wrote:Ideally 1, if possible.

If you have enough extra money for it, then 2.

If you have gobs of money, then 3.

Agree

Mine paid for 1 and 3. I work hard and don’t take them for granted.

None of the above. Adults pay for themselves.

Anonymous wrote:My parents paid for all that and more. My siblings and I will do the same for our kids.

+1. And I don’t think this results in spoiled kids. College is important and student debt is crippling. If my kid is gainfully employed and can pay the mortgage, I want to help with the down payment so they don’t have to spend years wasting money renting if they don’t want to.

At the end of the day, if my financial needs are comfortably met, I’d rather gift money with a warm hand than with a cold one.

My parents helped with all 3 and I’d like to be able to help my kids with all 3.

My parents paid for all that and more. My siblings and I will do the same for our kids.