Anonymous
11/21/2024 16:21
Subject: Family Member Moving in as Caregiver - Exit Strategy?
Don’t mean to pile on PP, but this would be fine as a temporary arrangement of maybe a few days or a week.
This is not sustainable or practical and I say this a recently orphaned adult - my parents died five years apart in the same continuing care community.
Both your aunt and parent are one fall away from needing round the clock care. Or one medical diagnosis away or both.
Can your aunt safely drive a car? Can your parent be left alone? Has the house been modified to be safer for an elderly person? How will bathing and ADL be handled? Are there stairs? Bed rails? Can your aunt operate a cell phone/follow basic directions? Who has oversight here? Are there meds to be managed? Doctor appointments to schedule and attend?
How will home maintenance be handled? Laundry? Errands? Meal prep?
I do t think you’re thru king this through.
This is not sustainable or practical and I say this a recently orphaned adult - my parents died five years apart in the same continuing care community.
Both your aunt and parent are one fall away from needing round the clock care. Or one medical diagnosis away or both.
Can your aunt safely drive a car? Can your parent be left alone? Has the house been modified to be safer for an elderly person? How will bathing and ADL be handled? Are there stairs? Bed rails? Can your aunt operate a cell phone/follow basic directions? Who has oversight here? Are there meds to be managed? Doctor appointments to schedule and attend?
How will home maintenance be handled? Laundry? Errands? Meal prep?
I do t think you’re thru king this through.
Anonymous
11/21/2024 16:08
Subject: Family Member Moving in as Caregiver - Exit Strategy?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:My aunt is moving into my mom's house to help care for her for an undefined period of time. She'll prepare meals, drive to appointments, provide companionship. No cleaning, lifting my mom, personal care, or skilled nursing care. What can be done at the start of this to help this be a positive experience for everyone? I'm thinking of conversations, decisions, check in points along the way. The worst case scenario is hurt feelings near the end of life.
My aunt has good intentions. She and my mom love each other. My mom would say part of the reason they have a good relationship is they have lived thousands of miles apart their entire adult lives. My aunt loves to spend money and will inevitably spend more of my mom's money than my mom would like. Right now my mom is ok with that in exchange for the companionship.
My mom is feeling lonely and vulnerable. My aunt is bored in a small isolated community. She owns her home (no mortgage) but has limited resources to live on and loves to spend money. She started talking about moving in with my mom to care for her when my mom shared what she would be spending on assisted living. (She had a spot and a move in date). There are clear benefits to both my mom and my aunt. I could see my aunt feeling unappreciated at some point. I could see my mom getting tired of financially supplementing my aunt and feeling taken advantage of. It seems this could end poorly for a lot of reasons. Any advice?
What do you think your mom's money on?
Sorry, that should say, what do you think your aunt will spend your mom's money on?
Anonymous
11/21/2024 16:07
Subject: Family Member Moving in as Caregiver - Exit Strategy?
Anonymous wrote:My aunt is moving into my mom's house to help care for her for an undefined period of time. She'll prepare meals, drive to appointments, provide companionship. No cleaning, lifting my mom, personal care, or skilled nursing care. What can be done at the start of this to help this be a positive experience for everyone? I'm thinking of conversations, decisions, check in points along the way. The worst case scenario is hurt feelings near the end of life.
My aunt has good intentions. She and my mom love each other. My mom would say part of the reason they have a good relationship is they have lived thousands of miles apart their entire adult lives. My aunt loves to spend money and will inevitably spend more of my mom's money than my mom would like. Right now my mom is ok with that in exchange for the companionship.
My mom is feeling lonely and vulnerable. My aunt is bored in a small isolated community. She owns her home (no mortgage) but has limited resources to live on and loves to spend money. She started talking about moving in with my mom to care for her when my mom shared what she would be spending on assisted living. (She had a spot and a move in date). There are clear benefits to both my mom and my aunt. I could see my aunt feeling unappreciated at some point. I could see my mom getting tired of financially supplementing my aunt and feeling taken advantage of. It seems this could end poorly for a lot of reasons. Any advice?
What do you think your mom's money on?
Anonymous
11/21/2024 16:00
Subject: Family Member Moving in as Caregiver - Exit Strategy?
Haven't read all responses. Does the aunt have her own children to look out for her when it's time?
I would have a contract as someone mentioned. I would also pay her so she doesn't feel taken advantage of and treat her like anyone you hire in terms of benefits. It's good you don't allow her to control the money. Discuss with her the plan when she gets tired of this. Figure out your boundaries and discuss up front.
I would have a contract as someone mentioned. I would also pay her so she doesn't feel taken advantage of and treat her like anyone you hire in terms of benefits. It's good you don't allow her to control the money. Discuss with her the plan when she gets tired of this. Figure out your boundaries and discuss up front.
Anonymous
11/21/2024 15:45
Subject: Family Member Moving in as Caregiver - Exit Strategy?
If you can, make a DPOA and take control of all accounts as much as you can. Your mom can sponsor groceries and bills but not much more.
If you lose control now it will be hard to regain it
If you lose control now it will be hard to regain it
Anonymous
11/21/2024 14:54
Subject: Family Member Moving in as Caregiver - Exit Strategy?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Mom is no longer moving into assisted living now that my aunt is moving in with her.
There is no plan for my mom running out of money. I'm trying to put that fear to the side as a very remote possibility. My mom is giving my sister the log ins for all of her credit cards and bank accounts so my sister will be able to track spending and see if anything crazy is happening.
The sisters 3 years apart, my mom is older.
Two apartments would probably be better for their relationship, but it isn't safe for my mom to live alone, so either someone moves in with her or she goes to assisted living.
I mean... do you trust your aunt to not drain the accounts?! That's the elephant in the room here. I don't understand why you don't have power of attorney, or don't have access to your mother's accounts as well.
Yeah, I'd be putting money in an account for aunt to use but not giving her full access to your mom's accounts.
I read this as OP’s sister is taking over the accounts, not the aunt
Sorry, I misread. OK, then if you trust your sister, I think the arrangement can work for now.
But if your aunt is only 3 years younger than your mother, she might become incapacitated too, and then they'll both needed nursing homes.
Anonymous
11/21/2024 14:26
Subject: Family Member Moving in as Caregiver - Exit Strategy?
Definitely third party (not mom or aunt) controlling the mom’s money. Set the terms now with the aunt of an allowance per month for the time period that she lives with your mom. Any time that she does not live with your mom will be automatically deducted on a pro rata basis.
Anonymous
11/21/2024 14:18
Subject: Re:Family Member Moving in as Caregiver - Exit Strategy?
I agree this situation doesn't seem to make much sense, and may end in drama or even other complexity if your aunt has nowhere to go in the end, late in her life.
It would be more straightforward for your mom to go to assisted living right now, and just pay that $10k per month, or $6k per month, right away.
Instead, it seems this is set up for a bad scenario. You seem to begrudge your aunt's spending, even before this arrangement starts. It is further confused as what you've written suggests she would be technically unpaid, yet get to spend your mom's money.
You should consult a CPA and be clear as to what is being paid to your aunt, and what is she expected to do, and the duration of this arrangement (reevaluate every month, quarterly, or every 6 months).
It would be more straightforward for your mom to go to assisted living right now, and just pay that $10k per month, or $6k per month, right away.
Instead, it seems this is set up for a bad scenario. You seem to begrudge your aunt's spending, even before this arrangement starts. It is further confused as what you've written suggests she would be technically unpaid, yet get to spend your mom's money.
You should consult a CPA and be clear as to what is being paid to your aunt, and what is she expected to do, and the duration of this arrangement (reevaluate every month, quarterly, or every 6 months).
Anonymous
11/21/2024 14:10
Subject: Family Member Moving in as Caregiver - Exit Strategy?
Whose idea was this? Your aunt’s? Would your mom prefer assisted living? It seems like this is a recipe for a lot of problems - especially if your mom will go into assisted living eventually.
What does aunt spend your mom’s money on? Clothes? Restaurants? Vacations? It seems like the aunt is looking at this as a way to get free stuff rather than to help with your mom.
I’m sure there is more to the story (that you don’t need to disclose) but you, your sister and your mom need to decide if this course of action is really worth it
What does aunt spend your mom’s money on? Clothes? Restaurants? Vacations? It seems like the aunt is looking at this as a way to get free stuff rather than to help with your mom.
I’m sure there is more to the story (that you don’t need to disclose) but you, your sister and your mom need to decide if this course of action is really worth it
Anonymous
11/21/2024 14:02
Subject: Family Member Moving in as Caregiver - Exit Strategy?
This situation doesn't make much sense to me.
You say your aunt is only three years younger than your mom...so your aunt is likely going to need help soon enough anyway. Who is going to take care of both of them at that point.
I honestly don't understand the point. It would be a different matter if this was one of your siblings that was a good 20-30 years younger.
The whole situation seems set up for more drama than mom just going to assisted living right now.
You say your aunt is only three years younger than your mom...so your aunt is likely going to need help soon enough anyway. Who is going to take care of both of them at that point.
I honestly don't understand the point. It would be a different matter if this was one of your siblings that was a good 20-30 years younger.
The whole situation seems set up for more drama than mom just going to assisted living right now.
Anonymous
11/21/2024 12:48
Subject: Family Member Moving in as Caregiver - Exit Strategy?
This will be great for a short period of time, then the sisters are going to get on each other's nerves. But, if aunt gets to spend all sorts of money, then she'll put up with it, and she won't want to leave.
Mom is going to end up in assisted living anyway, or you will have to hire in home help to truly care for her.
Aunt is providing companionship.
Also, once aunt needs care, who pays for that?
This is a mess. Aunt should sell her place far away, and buy (if possible) a small place near her sister. Have the agreement in place that should your mom need to go into assisted living, aunt will move to her own place so mom's home can be sold to pay for assisted living.
Mom is going to end up in assisted living anyway, or you will have to hire in home help to truly care for her.
Aunt is providing companionship.
Also, once aunt needs care, who pays for that?
This is a mess. Aunt should sell her place far away, and buy (if possible) a small place near her sister. Have the agreement in place that should your mom need to go into assisted living, aunt will move to her own place so mom's home can be sold to pay for assisted living.
Anonymous
11/21/2024 12:25
Subject: Family Member Moving in as Caregiver - Exit Strategy?
Anonymous wrote:I can tell you right now this will not work out nor end well. I give your aunt 2 weeks max.
I give it 8 months.
Anonymous
11/21/2024 12:21
Subject: Family Member Moving in as Caregiver - Exit Strategy?
You're going to need a lawyer and contracts/rental agreements etc.
Anonymous
11/21/2024 12:21
Subject: Family Member Moving in as Caregiver - Exit Strategy?
A third party should control the money, at the very least. This sounds awful.
Anonymous
11/21/2024 12:21
Subject: Family Member Moving in as Caregiver - Exit Strategy?
Anonymous wrote:Aunt is not taking over the accounts. My sister will be able to log in and see all transactions.
How long my aunt will stay with my mom is very unclear, which makes it hard to rent out my aunt's house.
At some point my mom will need more care than my aunt can provide and my mom will move into assisted living. I could see my aunt wanting to stay in my mom's house to visit my mom, and the frequency and duration of those visits decreasing. Its just really unclear what the end point is and likely there will be hurt feelings and tough conversations.
So you need a written agreement. Monthly (or weekly) family check-ins to make sure it's working. If your mom moves into care, you make a plan for visits, etc., and if your aunt doesn't comply, she has to move out. But I agree with PP that there's a chance this is overthinking as your aunt will tire soon of being a caregiver.