She's manipulative. It's a tactic where one picks a fight and then when the other person stands up for themselves, they turn into a victim. So there're 2 things which tells me she's manipulative: she's picking fights (hurting people have no need picking fights) and she's vague on purpose (if it's a real thing, she'd say something).

She doesn’t have to come to Thanksgiving. You don’t have to know why.

What's the downside of believing her and giving her space?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My ILs passed away years ago and the only family DH has left is SIL. A few weeks ago she instigated a fight with DH, and when he stood up for himself, she broke into tears and said people should be kind to her because she’s “going through a lot right now.” They took a bit of a break and he gave her a little space, but they spoke this weekend regarding Thanksgiving. She broke down again, said she’s not sure she’s up to the holiday, because she “is going through a lot right now”. DH gently tried to coax out of her what she’s going though, but she wouldn’t divulge, just kept saying, “it’s a lot” through tears. And now he’s annoyed. He thinks she’s using this as an excuse for a multitude of things; she’s always picking fights and is generally difficult overall. DH thinks she’s either sick and dying and doesn’t want anyone to know, or wants everyone to think that so she will gain sympathy (a tactic she’s used for forever.)

How do you tell if someone is being manipulative, or if they are genuinely hurting, when they only vaguely tell you “it’s something” over and over again, but won’t say what.

You don't know. So you just need to be kind.

This is what I would advise DH. Just advise DH to tell his sister he’s sorry she’s going through it, he’s available to listen if she wants to talk, and it’s fine to skip Thanksgiving.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe the election = a lot
Working for the federal govt = a lot
Kids having an issue = a lot

My advice is to give her some space.

+1. Plan your own holiday. If it makes sense invite her and tell her no pressure.

This is the best advice.

Leave the dying part alone. It may be she thinks she got a death sentence but it really isn't and she will be fine for years. Or it may be totally unrelated.

Just leave her be until she comes to you. Do not coax.

Just don't give her the attention she seeks and enjoy thanksgiving without her.

Anonymous wrote:Maybe the election = a lot
Working for the federal govt = a lot
Kids having an issue = a lot

My advice is to give her some space.

+1. Plan your own holiday. If it makes sense invite her and tell her no pressure.

She broke down again, said she’s not sure she’s up to the holiday, because she “is going through a lot right now”. DH gently tried to coax out of her what she’s going though, but she wouldn’t divulge, just kept saying, “it’s a lot” through tears.

Sounds like he did the right thing by trying to gently coax her, and then stopping. At this point he has tried so I wouldn't pursue an answer further.

And now he’s annoyed. He thinks she’s using this as an excuse for a multitude of things; she’s always picking fights and is generally difficult overall. DH thinks she’s either sick and dying and doesn’t want anyone to know, or wants everyone to think that so she will gain sympathy (a tactic she’s used for forever.)

I think it is fair for him to say "after the trauma of losing mom and dad, I really need to know that you're not dying, because I would be devastated if I found out you passed away and kept that from me. Other than that, I will respect your privacy."

How do you tell if someone is being manipulative, or if they are genuinely hurting, when they only vaguely tell you “it’s something” over and over again, but won’t say what.

You can't, though the evidence hear about picking fights certainly leans towards attention seeking. I would address the "dying" part and then just sort of disengage and give her space. If she brings it up again, just say "OK" and move on which will be either you not giving her attention or you respecting her privacy, whichever one of those is true.

In my experience, the people who cannot share basic info have trust and other serious issues (the PP is one example), or are attention-seekers, like you suspect your SIL is.

Or they've dealt with exceptionally judgmental friends and family over their lives and become conditioned not to say anything.

I'm going through a lot right now. I have cardiac and other symptoms that are making me completely unable to work, and not quite able to care for my kids, and it's been challenging to identify the cause and treat it. Some days I feel I'm going crazy.

I am sorry for what you are going through, genuinely. But don't you think that you may feel differently if people started assuming your symptoms were something akin to fibromyalgia or long COVID and they consider those conditions fake and that you really are lazy and don't want to work, and all of your appointments are attention seeking, etc...? In that case, maybe you wouldn't open up to others, right?

But I've told the people I'm closest to, obviously. If I had a sibling, that would include the sibling.

I don't have a sibling either, and would also like to think that we'd be close, but there's lots of variation in sibling relationships, and sometimes siblings are not among the closest people.

So your husband has no choice but to leave her alone. He should remind her to get a complete physical at the doctor's, consult specialists if need be, and to rule out anything medical before she explores psychiatric causes like depression and anxiety. That way, she will know she can't bluff him, and the advice is good anyway.

That's strange advice. Why would she be trying to "bluff" him? How would that work, is she supposed to disclose her medical results and then let him know if she gets a referral for therapy and let him know about any diagnosis? If she's lying, she's obviously not going to disclose all of that, and if she's telling the truth and just a private person, she's also not going to do that.

Tell SIL you are sorry she is going through a lot, are there is she needs someone to talk to (if you want to be) and say you understand her taking a pass this Thanksgiving.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well I refuse to tell anyone I had breast cancer. If people are not guenuinly invested in me why would I open up with something so personal? you don't get to demand to know what's she's going through to prove she's not manipulating you into caring about her. Be better OP

There are definitely people going through real things like yours who don’t want to talk about them. They aren’t the people repeatedly, dramatically and tearfully declaring “I’m going through a lot.” That’s attention seeking and emotionally manipulative behavior befitting tweens, not grown women.

+1. Either don't tell anyone and keep it together, or seek some support in family/friends/therapy. But don't expect anyone to be understanding if you break down multiple times (after bad behavior) and won't share why. That's not reasonable.

It sounds like this started when SIL picked a fight with DH, he stood up for himself, and she broke down and started saying she was going through a lot. I can offer that my mom will treat her family poorly, and if any of us push back, she will often back way down and say "I am going through a lot/when I tell you what's going on with me, you will understand why I acted like that/etc.". It is my opinion that my mom can't stand being wrong or taking accountability for her actions, so she always has to use some illness/personal drama/etc to explain away her bad behavior. She treats us like crap, comes up with a sob story, and then WE are supposed to feel bad for HER.

Maybe some of this resonates with you. The best thing to do with this kind of person is to keep things light and not get sucked into their drama. They will only get worse.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In my experience, the people who cannot share basic info have trust and other serious issues (the PP is one example), or are attention-seekers, like you suspect your SIL is. Both of these personalities are very difficult to deal with, and the best you can do for both is to distance yourself. The former doesn't want your attention, the latter seeks an unhealthy level of attention.

I'm going through a lot right now. I have cardiac and other symptoms that are making me completely unable to work, and not quite able to care for my kids, and it's been challenging to identify the cause and treat it. Some days I feel I'm going crazy. But I've told the people I'm closest to, obviously. If I had a sibling, that would include the sibling.

So your husband has no choice but to leave her alone. He should remind her to get a complete physical at the doctor's, consult specialists if need be, and to rule out anything medical before she explores psychiatric causes like depression and anxiety. That way, she will know she can't bluff him, and the advice is good anyway.

Typical DCUM that you somehow make me not sharing my diagnosis is about you and there is something wrong with me not sharing. Such BS.

Maybe if you trusted more people you wouldn't be so aggressive. Get therapy.

Anonymous wrote:Well I refuse to tell anyone I had breast cancer. If people are not guenuinly invested in me why would I open up with something so personal? you don't get to demand to know what's she's going through to prove she's not manipulating you into caring about her. Be better OP

There are definitely people going through real things like yours who don’t want to talk about them. They aren’t the people repeatedly, dramatically and tearfully declaring “I’m going through a lot.” That’s attention seeking and emotionally manipulative behavior befitting tweens, not grown women.