Anonymous wrote:How did your son send you that link last week when that video was only created two days ago?

This is OP. It was a mistake on my part. My son sent me this video last week that was posted three months ago by Alex Wei: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ne4vdF3CFiE. He told me that was exactly how he felt upon graduation from the Ivy. He graduated from an elite college because that was what I wanted, but it wasn't what he wanted. We had very little communication after he graduated from college. He sent me the video and told me that was how he felt about me, and hoped I would not repeat those same mistakes to his younger brothers.

I came to the US from Vietnam as an immigrant, and I wanted my kids to have what I did not have growing up. I sent him to the best sports camps, music training, and academic bootcamps that the best money could buy. I did those without considering how he felt about them.

How did your son send you that link last week when that video was only created two days ago?

It is sad. He missed his childhood and can’t remember anything fun.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really can't stand this victim mentality. Grow up and live your own life.

He’s living his own life. He’s gone his own way. He is just explaining how he got to where he is in the hopes that it will be useful to some other parents who think raising their kids this way is a good idea.

He was a victim, certainly, but he doesn’t seem to have a “victim mentality”. You, however, seem triggered by what he’s saying, so maybe reflect a little on why.

He compared having to practice the piano and being signed up for art lessons because he loved art to Auschwitz. How is that not victim mentality?

What he was trying to say is that everything he naturally liked was perverted into a status competition so he lost freedom to do what he wanted to do, play what he wanted to play, draw what he wanted to draw. Kids don't need art lessons at all unless they want them. Piano is too hard to learn without a teacher but I still believe music lessons shouldn't be forced. The true prodigies crave music training and love to spend hours on their instrument.

Look, OP — if you love your children and don’t abuse them, I hope they can find their way back to you. My Asian parents pushed me very hard, but I succeeded even their very high expectations. I know they love me and are proud of me, and I am very grateful for everything they did to help get me to where I am today. Fully acknowledge that I wouldn’t be here without them and their tiger parenting. (No I was never beaten, but certainly was forced to play piano, skip out on all sorts of social events, additional homework, etc).


Hope you can forgive yourself for what mistakes you think you have made. Sometimes it works with a certain kind of kid, sometimes it doesn’t. But you have years ahead of you to build a relationship with your children still that you will be proud of. I suggest you try and don’t give up hope.

I am 50 and grew up with an ABC kid to whom this happened. It was a miracle that he didn’t die by suicide. Many more nights than his parents knew, he would call my house and we’d sit on the phone together while he considered it. We were teenagers; I had parents and he basically had bosses who lived in his house with him.

While stereotypically asian, I think this kind of parenting mentality is the norm for low income immigrant families (not always asian), since the parents don't want the kids to suffer the consequences of being poor and bottom of the barrel class wise, like themselves. I know some first gen asian families that are well off and the daughter went into the arts or fashion, for ex.

Anonymous wrote:I really can't stand this victim mentality. Grow up and live your own life.

I think you missed the part where his mother beat him, was given a restraining order and had to be put in a mental hospital. He said if he told the trust about just how bad it was, he would have been put in foster care. He absolutely was a victim.

Did you all actually watch the video? He said he was BEATEN by his parents if he didn’t conform to his expectations. He was a victim of abuse. Is he not worthy of sympathy because he’s Asian-American? Some of you should be ashamed of your posts.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really can't stand this victim mentality. Grow up and live your own life.

He’s living his own life. He’s gone his own way. He is just explaining how he got to where he is in the hopes that it will be useful to some other parents who think raising their kids this way is a good idea.

He was a victim, certainly, but he doesn’t seem to have a “victim mentality”. You, however, seem triggered by what he’s saying, so maybe reflect a little on why.

He compared having to practice the piano and being signed up for art lessons because he loved art to Auschwitz. How is that not victim mentality?

His analogy was clunky, but you also completely misunderstood what he was attempting to say. (Hint: although he referenced Auschwitz, and more specifically the slogan on the gates of Auschwitz, he did not actually compare any aspect of his life to being in Auschwitz.)

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really can't stand this victim mentality. Grow up and live your own life.

He’s living his own life. He’s gone his own way. He is just explaining how he got to where he is in the hopes that it will be useful to some other parents who think raising their kids this way is a good idea.

He was a victim, certainly, but he doesn’t seem to have a “victim mentality”. You, however, seem triggered by what he’s saying, so maybe reflect a little on why.

He compared having to practice the piano and being signed up for art lessons because he loved art to Auschwitz. How is that not victim mentality?

I had to chuckle when he talked about the suffering of piano lessons. You had to play for a teacher every week, and if you played it well you could pass to the next piece, and if not you had to practice the same piece for another week. The horror!

While I think this video seems designed to be click-baity (I can't blame him for that and admire his side hustle), I also sympathize with this young man's self esteem issues in college. I work with so many college age kids who were raised in competitive environments and have imposter syndrome. No, it is definitely not just the Asian kids whose parents are anxious and driven. Nor is it always the parent's "fault" because sometimes the competitive environment they grow up in is to blame. These perfectionistic young people sometimes find themselves in a bind where they feel they are imposters trying to keep up a false facade, even if they are wonderful, intelligent, and hard-working people.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really can't stand this victim mentality. Grow up and live your own life.

He’s living his own life. He’s gone his own way. He is just explaining how he got to where he is in the hopes that it will be useful to some other parents who think raising their kids this way is a good idea.

He was a victim, certainly, but he doesn’t seem to have a “victim mentality”. You, however, seem triggered by what he’s saying, so maybe reflect a little on why.

He compared having to practice the piano and being signed up for art lessons because he loved art to Auschwitz. How is that not victim mentality?

Anonymous wrote:What a whiny, immature attitude displayed in this video by Mr. Wei.

When I was young, I really loved playing baseball and football. So, my parents signed me up to play in Little League baseball and Pop Warner football. We practiced every week and played against other teams. And you know what? I survived, and still love to play.

Get over yourself, kid.

Did your parents berate you when you lost? Did they make you play when you were injured? Did they make their approval of you in general contingent on your team performance and continuing sports? Did you have to do travel team? And did you even do sports in high school? This is more what the video guy is talking about. Not your childhood.

Anonymous wrote:What a whiny, immature attitude displayed in this video by Mr. Wei.

When I was young, I really loved playing baseball and football. So, my parents signed me up to play in Little League baseball and Pop Warner football. We practiced every week and played against other teams. And you know what? I survived, and still love to play.

Get over yourself, kid.

Asian American mom here. I had a chess loving kid who also played piano. He used to win tournaments. We supported him, got him coaching, etc. Then one day he said it wasn’t fun anymore. Same with piano. We probably made him play for an extra year and eventually let him quit. He has played tennis since he was in preschool and doesn’t love it anymore. We really don’t want him to quit. Difference is that we don’t abuse our kids. We don’t want our kids to quit everything though.

What a whiny, immature attitude displayed in this video by Mr. Wei.

When I was young, I really loved playing baseball and football. So, my parents signed me up to play in Little League baseball and Pop Warner football. We practiced every week and played against other teams. And you know what? I survived, and still love to play.

Get over yourself, kid.