OP, I have the same exact situation. I finally told him that this is a dealbreaker; I can’t live like this forever. He admitted a couple of things: first, just feeling lazy and tired a lot; second, he mentioned a period of time years and years ago where I had hurt him and he still thinks about it (I thought it had been resolved).

He agreed to get ED pills, although neither of us thinks he has ED really, but hey, might be fun? He tried cialis and felt nothing so will try another.
We started going on dates again.
We started French kissing at the end of the date.
We will start therapy soon if he still thinks the years ago issue is affecting him/us.
OP, we aren’t there yet, but I am at least seeing real effort. We’ve had more sexual activity since these things but frequency still too low. We are no longer at nothing, though, so no longer thinking about divorcing or cheating, thank goodness.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have this with wife but is other way around. In our case it’s due to imbalance of workload. I am the breadwinner but work crazy hours/ high stress and have begged her since youngest was in school full time to get job also so we can share the load and she won’t/ says she’s ’trying’ but clearly isn’t (her job skills super applicable to today and has lots of friends still in field so I don’t think should be totally impossible). After a while I just started feeling this overwhelming resentment and just anger and lost interest in sex bc it felt like having sex with someone who didn’t care about me. So I guess my q is whether there is imbalance and resentment bc that can affect sex life

OP here. Maybe? We both work full time and he is technically the breadwinner by dollar amount but I still make mid-6 figures so we both have demanding and stressful jobs. I’m sure there is something subconscious resentment that as a man making $1m+ he’s still juggling school drop offs and doctor appointments with his wife. The funny thing is I’ve told him I’d gladly quit and pick up all the household/kid stuff but he also doesn’t want the stress of being the sole provider. (I realize people are going to say don’t quit b/c I’m on the path to divorce but maybe it would help. I don’t know.)

Wait OP are you saying your husband is making $1m per year? Is his job very stressful? Is he spending a lot of time traveling or outside of the home?

Anonymous wrote:I have this with wife but is other way around. In our case it’s due to imbalance of workload. I am the breadwinner but work crazy hours/ high stress and have begged her since youngest was in school full time to get job also so we can share the load and she won’t/ says she’s ’trying’ but clearly isn’t (her job skills super applicable to today and has lots of friends still in field so I don’t think should be totally impossible). After a while I just started feeling this overwhelming resentment and just anger and lost interest in sex bc it felt like having sex with someone who didn’t care about me. So I guess my q is whether there is imbalance and resentment bc that can affect sex life

OP here. Maybe? We both work full time and he is technically the breadwinner by dollar amount but I still make mid-6 figures so we both have demanding and stressful jobs. I’m sure there is something subconscious resentment that as a man making $1m+ he’s still juggling school drop offs and doctor appointments with his wife. The funny thing is I’ve told him I’d gladly quit and pick up all the household/kid stuff but he also doesn’t want the stress of being the sole provider. (I realize people are going to say don’t quit b/c I’m on the path to divorce but maybe it would help. I don’t know.)

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think DH is closeted because he's homophobic and we haven't been intimate in a decade

Same time frame and thought the same, but it turns out he just wasn’t attracted to me anymore. Apparently the secret was finding someone half his age and unencumbered by kids and boring stuff like that.

PP here - interesting! Should i make DH get a vasectomy

I have this with wife but is other way around. In our case it’s due to imbalance of workload. I am the breadwinner but work crazy hours/ high stress and have begged her since youngest was in school full time to get job also so we can share the load and she won’t/ says she’s ’trying’ but clearly isn’t (her job skills super applicable to today and has lots of friends still in field so I don’t think should be totally impossible). After a while I just started feeling this overwhelming resentment and just anger and lost interest in sex bc it felt like having sex with someone who didn’t care about me. So I guess my q is whether there is imbalance and resentment bc that can affect sex life

Anonymous wrote:Sorry, OP. Pretty typical stage and circumstances for an affair. He’s having sex with someone, just not you. Start preparing now.

OP here. I’m not in denial that this is a possibility but I truly cannot come up with when it would be happening. Honestly it would at least be a clear explanation.

Sorry, OP. Pretty typical stage and circumstances for an affair. He’s having sex with someone, just not you. Start preparing now.

Probably he only see you as mommy.
Try date and spending the night at a hotel to spark things up.

We can’t figure this out for you. You need to suggest therapy for your both to get to the root cause and figure out what to do from there.

Anonymous wrote:Maybe he’s gained weight and is embarrassed. Does he know you find him attractive still.

OP here. Yes he has, but I’ve told him many times (both though actions and literal words) that I am attracted to him (which is completely true).

The kids being around, especially young ones, is a mood killer. Before jumping to any conclusions otherwise, can you set up a weekend for the two of you alone and see if things happen?

Anonymous wrote:This seems like an obvious question, but did you once have a good sex life, and it went down after kids? Or has it always been bad/nonexistent? What was it like when you were dating and in the early years of marriage, pre- kids?

OP here. It was ok, not great not terrible. I basically always initiated after the dating stage, which obviously sucked not feeling desired/desirable, but he seemed to enjoy it once things got going.

This seems like an obvious question, but did you once have a good sex life, and it went down after kids? Or has it always been bad/nonexistent? What was it like when you were dating and in the early years of marriage, pre- kids?

Maybe he’s gained weight and is embarrassed. Does he know you find him attractive still.

It just occurred to me that the men with erection problems were all some kind of special need. They may have been on medication that messed with it or simply couldn't connect brain with action.