I’m in therapy, but it’s not helping.

Anonymous wrote:Anyone else feel this way? I have such a chip on my shoulder dealing with how unfair and difficult it is to have a child with a special need. I find myself just resentful of my sister and friends who kids have few if any struggles so far. “You don’t understand” “Life is so easy did you” “If you only knew” “Put yourself in my shoes” “If only our issues were so petty” are just a few of the phrases that run through my head. I’m admitting this on here because I don’t have anyone to talk to about this. I know, therapy helps. But at the moment I don’t have the time. Anyone relate? Has anyone managed to be in this position then get past it?

I have a constant, voilent, roiling rage about how unfairly people and systems treat my child. I will never ve the person in was before and this feeling will never mellow.

I have no advice but only wanted to say I relate.

Was with a lovely friend yesterday, who vented mightily about how hard bedtime with her perfectly healthy toddler had been as of late. I asked exactly what time she had gotten the child to sleep? 8:20 pm.

Having lived a truly insane stretch of sleep disruption wherein my SN child was up screaming past midnight, I just nodded politely to her.

We really are living on an entirely different parenting planet. I marvel at what my friends consider “hard,” and envy their blissful ignorance.

I feel the same way, OP.

Anonymous wrote:I have this for sure.

Two things have helped:

Getting off social media. I don’t want to see people living the version of parenthood that I thought I’d have but don’t.

Reading survival stories of extreme hardship. Right now I’m obsessed with stories about mountain climbers on Everest. I would never admit it anywhere else, but honestly it takes some pretty extreme hardship for me to find the narratives relatable.

I can't relate to this AT ALL. People who climb Mt Everest choose to do a frivolous, hard task. There is nothing frivolous about what I'm doing, and I didn't choose it.

Anonymous wrote:Not everyone has it easy. Of course that's true! But some people do, objectively, have parenting easier than my family. And that's hard to deal with.

Sure, but a) this is just a snapshot in time and there's no saying how life will unfold and b) someone always has it easier (or harder!) than you.

Not everyone has it easy. Of course that's true! But some people do, objectively, have parenting easier than my family. And that's hard to deal with.

Anonymous wrote:You’re allowed to have those feelings! Journaling can be very cathartic.

But also please realize that not everyone has it easy. Yes you have a child with special needs, but you don’t know who’s going through a bad divorce, who is being abused by their spouse, whose kid looks fine on the outside but is plagued by crippling anxiety (like mine) or deeply depressed and not showing it.

It’s easy to compare on the outside but remember that you don’t actually know what people are struggling with. They may be jealous of something you have that’s completely unrelated to parenting, but is something very legitimate.

Definitely label your thoughts, allow them to be there, get therapy if needed, but also try and remember that you really only know the outside of someone’s life.

Yes. I call this comparing my inside life with other people's outside life. I've recently had a close view of a friends imploding life - a deteriorating marriage, NT kid problems beyond the average ones, family issues with alcoholism, health issues, elder care, etc - and while my child is much more difficult than their children, I wouldn't trade my life for theirs even if I'd get NT kids in return. This friend works very very hard to project a "perfect" life to the world, but whoa.

I've definitely had many feelings of envy related to parenting (anyone who loved all the time they spent with their kids during COVID when my kid was having crisis after crisis after crisis during that time), all the way back to when mine was undiagnosed and we couldn't seem to get ANY support at all and had no idea why even the simplest things were completely haywire at home. It's normal, and it's OK, but recognize them and then remember that this is just one thing.

I have a hard time with this as well.

How old is your child? I definitely felt like this when my kid was younger. He's now in high school and so many of my friends with high school aged children are dealing with alcohol, drugs, sex, and peer pressure issues that don't at all affect my child. So I try to remember that the grass isn't always greener and we all have our challenges.

OP I’m with you. I think it’s ok to feel your feelings. Do what you have to do.

When I go to therapy I have this tremendous guilt of “yes, but first world problems I should be happy I’m not in a war zone…”. And my therapist tells me that my feelings are valid too. Just because your issues are different doesn’t mean you shouldn’t having feelings.

Eventually I had to make a choice. I started cut out a lot of long term friends because they didn’t get it. They would match stories of “my kid almost died and will never fully recover” with “Larlo was forced to decide between soccer and basketball because they are both on Wednesdays. Can you imagine how hard it is for us to choose?!”

They cant be responsible for my feelings and I can’t be of theirs. Perspective is subjective.

I also hate the superparent SN trope. I don’t want to live in this idolized saint mode. I’m not doing what I do because I’m a martyr - I’m doing what I do because it’s my responsibility to keep a tiny human alive. Its pressure none of us need to add to our plate.

Anonymous wrote:Life is hard in a whole range of different ways. And one could argue that difficulty is what gives us meaning, and purpose, and depth as people. Instead of feeling resentful that you don't have it easy, you could instead think about the connection you have with millions, billions of people all over the world facing struggles of one kind or another You don't know anything about being homeless, or famished, do you? Or living in a war zone? Or losing your husband? Or living through a school shooting? There are endless ways to suffer and it's really narrow minded for you to think that you are alone in struggle. Instead of feeling alone, I actually feel really connected to other people around the world, in almost a spiritual sense. I get frustrated hearing people like the OP because it's just a very competitive way of seeing the world, why don't I have as much or better than other people.

Extremely well said.

Anonymous wrote:You don't know how easy someone else's life is from looking on the outside. I had someone tell me that and had zero clue what I was going through as I didn't share it. Empathy goes both ways. I had multiple bad things happen at once, and when they said that, it was well... not good.

+1

You have no idea what struggles others have had.

Life is hard in a whole range of different ways. And one could argue that difficulty is what gives us meaning, and purpose, and depth as people. Instead of feeling resentful that you don't have it easy, you could instead think about the connection you have with millions, billions of people all over the world facing struggles of one kind or another You don't know anything about being homeless, or famished, do you? Or living in a war zone? Or losing your husband? Or living through a school shooting? There are endless ways to suffer and it's really narrow minded for you to think that you are alone in struggle. Instead of feeling alone, I actually feel really connected to other people around the world, in almost a spiritual sense. I get frustrated hearing people like the OP because it's just a very competitive way of seeing the world, why don't I have as much or better than other people.

I remind myself that everyone’s emotions are valid. It doesn’t really matter what’s causing the emotion. I may be frustrated because my kid’s still in diapers and very resistant to diaper changes while my friend is frustrated because their kid isn’t listening to them when they’re asked to set the table. The reasons for the frustration are vastly different, but we’re still both feeling frustration. So I focus on responding to the emotion rather than responding to the situation.

And while yes, my good friends are mindful of what they come to me complaining about, but really if they can’t feel like they can talk with you about what’s going on in their life without you being judgmental, your friendships will suffer. I have personally found that good quality therapy to learn how to feel and accept my emotions is what truly made it so that I’m not so reactive to what’s going on in other people’s lives.