This happened to me a gazillion years ago. The whole pack of girls apologized, they just got bored with their bullying I guess and the ringleader ultimately ditched them all and in HS became one of my best friends and is now the only person I keep in touch with. Why do I share this? People change. I’d advise her that hopefully the apology gives her some peace, but she should proceed cautiously. People need to earn trust, actions speak louder than words, etc. Has she found other friends she truly likes, then great, and if not, she should keep looking. (I had only found placeholders and really needed HS to get a new group). Maybe this friend could be a friend again, but it’s ok if the hurt makes that seem not possible or she’s just over her.

This kind of stuff is not simply “a mistake.” It’s consciously mean, plain and simple. A tween knows when they are being mean. DD can thank for the apology in order to let it go from her own psyche but not rekindle or trust this girl again. Hopefully DD has enough new friends that she doesn’t need a one more who is, at best, of questionable trustworthiness.

Mean girl will hopefully learn that her actions have consequences and a too little too late apology can’t always undo the “mistake.”

I'm another who had this happen to a daughter; it really affected her mental health for a few years. It says something that someone apologized, though -- maybe for self-serving reasons, who really knows?

I agree with others that it's best to listen to what your daughter has to say. Pretend you're a therapist -- questions and understanding, but try your best not to offer advice unless she asks. And then maybe couch it in "Hmm, have you though of..." terms vs. "You should..." It's fine for her to accept the apology and still not pursue the friendship; it's difficult to forget when a friend breaks your trust like that. You're always waiting for other other shoe to drop.

Anonymous wrote:I don't think we should be teaching girls forgiveness.
Because despite what people claim it sets them up for continued abuse.


Considering this girl is still hanging out with bullies it doesn't seem like her apology is sincere.

I don't think you need to do or say anything about it specifically beyond asking how she feels about the apology

Sorry, the bolded is just stupid. Forgiveness doesn’t mean forgetting. You can forgive someone and just move on, not go back to the way things were.

If you teach your girls that forgiveness is bad, just bear in mind that this means they will also be learning that *they’re* not worthy of forgiveness either. Better hope your daughters never screw up!

I don't think we should be teaching girls forgiveness.
Because despite what people claim it sets them up for continued abuse.


Considering this girl is still hanging out with bullies it doesn't seem like her apology is sincere.

I don't think you need to do or say anything about it specifically beyond asking how she feels about the apology

You’ve gotten good advice. If you are religious, I’ll add that in the few occasions that I have forgiven someone for hurting me deeply but still needed to keep them at a distance, I have found it helpful to pray for them.

Anonymous wrote:It’s crazy to me how so many of you are modeling to your kids that one can never make a mistake, make amends, and be forgiven.

It is perfectly reasonable for the bullied girl to not be friends with this girl anymore (and it is healthy for kids to learn that when you destroy trust in a relationship you can’t get it back), but to forever brand a middle school girl who has seen the error of her ways and is trying to do the right thing with the scarlet “MG” is not right.

I agree

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s crazy to me how so many of you are modeling to your kids that one can never make a mistake, make amends, and be forgiven.

It is perfectly reasonable for the bullied girl to not be friends with this girl anymore (and it is healthy for kids to learn that when you destroy trust in a relationship you can’t get it back), but to forever brand a middle school girl who has seen the error of her ways and is trying to do the right thing with the scarlet “MG” is not right.

My DC can get along with anyone no matter how awful they’ve been, but it’s important to emphasize particularly with girls and even grown women that remembering someone’s cruel behavior can be wise- boundaries and being realistic are positive things. I’m not advocating for Op’s DD to do anything but keep distance. You’re dramatic, so you’ve got some stuff to work out.

+1.

For a significant number of women, the quality of their close friendships contributes immensely to their happiness. Learning how to evaluate these friendships is very important.

I would never be close friends with a woman who was cruel to me in the past. Why would I guide my DD to do this?

The former friend might have learned her lesson and changed, and that's great. However, both should move on to new friendships. What's done is done.

Anonymous wrote:It’s crazy to me how so many of you are modeling to your kids that one can never make a mistake, make amends, and be forgiven.

It is perfectly reasonable for the bullied girl to not be friends with this girl anymore (and it is healthy for kids to learn that when you destroy trust in a relationship you can’t get it back), but to forever brand a middle school girl who has seen the error of her ways and is trying to do the right thing with the scarlet “MG” is not right.

My DC can get along with anyone no matter how awful they’ve been, but it’s important to emphasize particularly with girls and even grown women that remembering someone’s cruel behavior can be wise- boundaries and being realistic are positive things. I’m not advocating for Op’s DD to do anything but keep distance. You’re dramatic, so you’ve got some stuff to work out.

It’s crazy to me how so many of you are modeling to your kids that one can never make a mistake, make amends, and be forgiven.

It is perfectly reasonable for the bullied girl to not be friends with this girl anymore (and it is healthy for kids to learn that when you destroy trust in a relationship you can’t get it back), but to forever brand a middle school girl who has seen the error of her ways and is trying to do the right thing with the scarlet “MG” is not right.

Is ignore her and be civil. She’ll find another target every couple months and keep circling around. She’ll also keep trying to find bully sidekicks. Don’t be one.

I would advise DD to keep a far distance from the girl despite the apology.

DD experienced this and the friendship returned to how it had been, until the other girl became mean again. Now DD is polite to her, but they are not friends and DD has said she will never like her.

At the very least, don't praise the apologizer. That was almost certainly done to make the former friend feel better, or perhaps because she fears the mean girl will turn on her next and she wants a backup friend. Or....it's just a trap to get DD to say something she can report back to the mean girl. Either way, this girl has little integrity if her apology is not accompanied by action, as in distancing herself from the "bad" crowd of her own volition, and publicly defending DD.

Forgiving doesn’t ^^