Clear assignments of tasks and areas of responsibilities. Doesn't need to be gender-traditional, but we know who's responsible for what and we are 100% reliable in our agreed upon tasks. The person who does the work must listen to input but we don't micromanage.

Dating very selectively. If someone wasn't compatible I broke up with him swiftly.

Chose a man with no untreated mental health or neurodivergence. DH is highly organized and highly reliable. He also has high social skills and a high tolerance for kid noise and grossness.

Low-drama extended family, since my family is a pain. Can't have both sides of the family being a pain!

Traditional roles. To me, marriages worked back in the day for a reason, there were clear roles. The man was the leader of the home and provided financially. The woman took on my of the parenting role with the children and took care of the home. I made sure to find a man that had a similar outlook on marriage.

Taking responsibility and not blaming the other person for your problems.

Accepting differences and imperfections - both people have them.

Working at staying connected in some way. Spending time together, having shared hobbies, having mutual goals, having a laugh together.

Being open about something that is bothering you. Apologizing for your role and focus on what do we each need to do to move forward or get back on track.

Having your own independence and life outside of being a spouse / parent.

Sharing all the responsibilities - financial, domestic, children, house / car / life. Both feel an ownership and responsibility for all aspects of life.

Anonymous wrote:Low expectations.

Ha!

It’s actually the results of a “happy marriage” study.

Anonymous wrote:I’m curious to hear from people in happy relationships: what do you think it is about yourself/your spouse/your marriage that makes it work? What traits did you select for?

I was older and more mature (almost 30) and so was he. We were friends at first (briefly, before moving to dating). He is much more mellow and laid back than my explosive father and that was important.

For us, while it's not always perfect, we compromise. We apologize when wrong. And have similar values (socially, politically, ethically, etc.). We try not to hold grudges or resentments (this is harder for me as I grew up in a dysfunctional family where there was a lot of emotional abuse).
And we communicate and are completely transparent about everything.

I did everything right and he still left. You can’t control other people or outcomes.

Yes. I love all these answers because I really just think it's literally not divorcing...that's how you stay married.

Anonymous wrote:I wish everyone responding would tell us how long you've been married.

Mate selection

Mutual physical attraction
Similar EQ/IQ balance
Same social class
No mental illness in primary and extended families


30 years

Divorce not an option—went in with that mindset (unless obviously adulterated/abuse/addiction). Partners and friends. Child of divorce.

For me compassion is key, as well as high ethics because that translates to all areas in life.

I wish everyone responding would tell us how long you've been married.

Taking responsibility for my decisions and happiness.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Finding someone with good emotional health and control. Finding someone who doesn’t want to spend their life bickering over stuff that doesn’t matter.

I think being willing to let stuff go is very underrated.

I remember when we got married there was all this talk about “never go to bed angry” but sometimes just going to bed is as good/better than spending an hour talking about it.

+100

Besides luck, being on the same page with money and being nice to each other are two of the biggest things. We don’t spend time accusing each other of not doing enough because we think the best about each other and recognize all of each others contributions to the family. And we like to help make each other’s lives easier.

Also we actively look for things we like to do together and make time for each other as well as giving space for our own individual interests.