I'm sure my parents aren't proud of me. Well, my mother's dead but before she died three years ago she wasn't. Not everyone has a life you can brag about. I'm doing the best I can. Our extended family has a private website where people occasionally post updates, and recently my father wrote 3 full paragraphs about my brother and his amazingness and then at the end wrote "Laura lives about 20 minutes from Leo." That was super embarrassing - it'd have been better if he hadn't mentioned me at all.

Anonymous wrote:Original poster here. Do I really sound toxic? In my daughters 21 years I have only encouraged her, get help for her (she does have adhd and takes adderall), and help her pursue any interest she has had, ultimately is now doing nothing except for scrolling on TikTok between school (her two cc classes) and part time work, and like I said the occasional helping out. Seriously, is this considered ok? Like leave her alone and let her just sit in her room between school and work?

Of course I have tried suggesting therapy, a coach or something to help her. I don’t do that anymore, because I don’t want to nag her and she knows that if she wants some help, she can just ask and I’ll help her find it.

Yes, you really sound toxic. But you are trying very hard to make yourself sound reasonable here. It's bs -- you aren't.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Help her find a part time job at a large company where she can learn something useful towards a career. Get away from Starbucks. Make sure she completes her degree from nova quickly. Set her up for success.

This is a great idea. Help her into a professional setting and out of Starbucks.

Actually, Costco is a great place to consider. They promote from within a store manager can earn nearly $500k (including bonuses…but I think base is $250k). They also have generous college benefits and then promote into corporate.

Pay high wages and give good benefits once you hit like 6 months.

Might be time to set a timeline for her to get her own place or start paying you “rent” or something. People don’t change until they have the right motivation. Don’t nag. Give her a date by which she either needs to find her own place or start paying for certain things (maybe even just groceries) so that home stops becoming an easy comfortable place. It can be 6 months from now if you want and you can offer to help her come up with a plan. She has to start putting one foot in front of the other.

Anonymous wrote:I don’t see what being extroverted vs. introverted has to do with anything. That seems like a personal preference on your part.

But yeah. Honestly, I would probably be disappointed and frustrated if this was what my kid was doing but ONLY because she was a very strong student in high school and now early college. If she’d always struggled academically, it wouldn’t be a surprise and I’d probably have already had some other suggestions up my sleeve. Was she a strong student academically and something happened that changed it?

If so, I’d probably see what was going on. But it kind of doesn’t sound like that. It sounds like your kid doesn’t really know what she wants to do. I don’t think I really knew what I wanted to do at 21 (still don’t really) so it’s all about helping her get options.

Is she open to accepting help from you? If so, I wonder if a trade is more something she’d want. Or maybe some internships. Things to get her to think about her future. But if she’s not open then there isn’t much you can do. Certainly there’s nothing wrong with leading an honest life paying your bills. I can understand wanting more for you kid, especially depending on your own background, but people do have their own personalities.

It sounds to me just from what you’ve said that it’s a combo of immaturity and not being into school. So I’d try to give her some experiences to build on as she gets a little older.

Op here and I love this. Suggestions as to what experiences she can build on would be?

Original poster here. Do I really sound toxic? In my daughters 21 years I have only encouraged her, get help for her (she does have adhd and takes adderall), and help her pursue any interest she has had, ultimately is now doing nothing except for scrolling on TikTok between school (her two cc classes) and part time work, and like I said the occasional helping out. Seriously, is this considered ok? Like leave her alone and let her just sit in her room between school and work?

Of course I have tried suggesting therapy, a coach or something to help her. I don’t do that anymore, because I don’t want to nag her and she knows that if she wants some help, she can just ask and I’ll help her find it.

As long as she is cute, then she can find a man, and she will be his problem soon enough.

I don’t see what being extroverted vs. introverted has to do with anything. That seems like a personal preference on your part.

But yeah. Honestly, I would probably be disappointed and frustrated if this was what my kid was doing but ONLY because she was a very strong student in high school and now early college. If she’d always struggled academically, it wouldn’t be a surprise and I’d probably have already had some other suggestions up my sleeve. Was she a strong student academically and something happened that changed it?

If so, I’d probably see what was going on. But it kind of doesn’t sound like that. It sounds like your kid doesn’t really know what she wants to do. I don’t think I really knew what I wanted to do at 21 (still don’t really) so it’s all about helping her get options.

Is she open to accepting help from you? If so, I wonder if a trade is more something she’d want. Or maybe some internships. Things to get her to think about her future. But if she’s not open then there isn’t much you can do. Certainly there’s nothing wrong with leading an honest life paying your bills. I can understand wanting more for you kid, especially depending on your own background, but people do have their own personalities.

It sounds to me just from what you’ve said that it’s a combo of immaturity and not being into school. So I’d try to give her some experiences to build on as she gets a little older.

Well I certainly hope you're not expecting help from that quarter when you're old and decrepit.

Hi Mom, there is a reason why we don't talk to you anymore. I got lucky with a great husband and family of my own. The best thing he did was help me see you as being toxic in my life and critical. No matter what I do I cannot live up to your expectations as you change them and reality is you don't even live up to them. So, while you are a mean bitter woman, I'm happy and free.

Anonymous wrote:You sound awful

Awful for judging, without understanding her child could have a condition for which a patient needs accompaniment to get diagnosed and treated. And no, suggesting therapy is NOT the right start for this conversation. When someone is not functional, they need a physical check-up, then a psychology check-up. The therapy has to be tailored to the diagnosis, so you need the diagnosis first.

I feel so sad whenever children don't get the support they need from their parents. It's not like your child is a violent and aggressive patient who hits their parents and siblings. There are some tragic cases where parents cannot help their child, even if they want to.

But OP can, and she doesn't. It's a shame.

Wow. Just wow.

OP you could maybe help by getting her evaluated for ADHD but otherwise keep your judgment and disdain to yourself.

You sound awful

Anonymous wrote:I don't think the OP worries are ridiculous. Overwhelmed at a good college and then average at community college and not social is cause for concern.
She is demonstrating lack of ambition and work ethic.

Instead of using judgemental words, you could be actually helpful and suggest OP have her kid evaluated, because it could be something that's easily fixed by ADHD meds. Or maybe OP's daughter is on the autism spectrum, and it will never be fixed, but at least OP will know that it's not her daughter's fault.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Help her find a part time job at a large company where she can learn something useful towards a career. Get away from Starbucks. Make sure she completes her degree from nova quickly. Set her up for success.

This is a great idea. Help her into a professional setting and out of Starbucks.

+1 my niece was a single mom at 20, no college. She got a job at a big insurance company, on the customer phone bank. The company trains and promotes from within. She's now in her 30s, an insurance claims adjuster and owns her own home. Didn't go to college but expects her daughter to go.