Anonymous wrote:Hi OP. You’re going to get a lot of bad advice here from parents who haven’t had a child like this.

My 3 year old is just like yours except her sleep is even worse (woke 40+ times a night until 18 months, still can’t sleep independently, extremely low sleep needs, etc.). We’ve had her evaluated and have taken her to every medical specialist since she was a baby to try to figure out why she’s so difficult: ENT, neurologist, sleep clinic, pediatric dentist for ties, GI, allergist, developmental pediatrician, the list just goes on. There is nothing medically wrong with her. She’s just very smart and highly sensitive. That’s it. Some kids are just very hard, and it’s not the fault of your parenting, although of course your parenting can help a bit or make things harder.

The only thing that has helped me is taking breaks. We sent to part time preschool earlier than planned, and it’s been amazing for her to have the extra stimulus and for me to have breaks. My husband and I also split the really hard things like bedtime and transitions out of the house because those were making me nuts. And there are some things we just avoid because the meltdowns aren’t worth it, like certain parks and activities.

Look into low demand parenting. Hold iron clad on boundaries that are important to you. Always give unequivocal apologies to her when you’ve yelled or been too harsh. Physically step away and shut a door for a few minutes when you feel you’re going to yell, and tell her why: “I am getting very upset right now and need some space to calm down. I’ll come out in 3 minutes.”

I’m sorry I don’t have better advice for instant fixes. Twenty-33 months was the absolute hardest for us, and it’s being better. There are other families struggling through this, I promise.

Just because your child's doctors didn't find anything doesn't mean OP should not go through the same process you did -- her child may actually have a treatable issue.

You should pretty much assume at this point that something medical/developmental is going on (ASD/allergies/ADHD/something more serious). This will help you find a way to help your child and also help you reframe your emotions and reset your parenting style: it is not your kid's fault, and you can't parent this kid exactly the same as your other kids because they need something different.

All of the behaviors are the baby/toddler trying to express that something is wrong, and it is your job to help figure out what it is so you can help them.

Some kids are harder, but it sounds like your two-year-old might have more going on. A nanny leaving in the middle of the day because of the screaming is not normal.

Have you considered getting your child evaluated by infant and toddlers will talk to your pediatrician?

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Anonymous wrote:I feel so bad admitting this out loud, but I secretly don't like my 2 year old.

My older kid has always been great. Super easy, sweet, fun kids.

DD2 has been a constant pain since she was born. Always fussy, always throwing a fit. I tried taking the kids out to dinner last night and DD2 threw nonstop tantrums, ran around the restaurant, climbed the booth, tried to knock a lamp over screamed some more, screamed the whole way there and back home. I'd grab her and sit her back down and sternly tell her to behave, and she'd just scream more. So we packed our food up and left.

She screamed all last night putting her to bed, screamed all night long that her blanket wasn't right, her pillow wasn't right. Kicks the blanket off and screams that it's off.

Even our nanny had a day where she had to leave because she couldn't take the screaming and tantrums anymore.

DD8 resents her because we basically can't go do anything fun anymore and the tantrums keep her up at night (every night bedtime is a battle). I've turned into the horrible mom who yells at her kids - in the car yesterday I screamed at the top of my lungs for her to please just stop for once.

My sister was like this as a kid and nobody liked her as a result. Even as an adult she continued to act this way and throw tantrums. I feel so trapped that I'll have to deal with this the rest of my life.

The only medical thing is schizophrenia runs in H's side of the family, and I don't know if this is the beginning of that or what. I really don't know how I'm going to deal with a kid who has schizophrenia plus screams all the time.

Is she hitting all her milestones? Talking? Doing all the two-year old things the pediatrician says she should be doing? Have you talked to the pediatrician about any of this?

Yes, she hits all her milestones and is ahead on many. She's an insanely smart kid. She figured out how to unlock and open the front door because she randomly decides she wants to leave the house. Crazy good talker, too.

Some kids are just a lot - especially if they are smart and 2. When cognition starts to outpace emotional development and regulation, hoo boy. It can get wild. And if you're first was easy breezy, it makes it worse. She needs a different approach. You need some help! Talk to your pediatrician about good parent trainers or behavior specialists who can work with you. Because at this point, it's you that will need to do all the work.

+1. The only way to change a child’s behavior is to change the behavior of the caregivers. This includes the nanny. Screaming at her (you) or getting so overwhelmed you have to leave (nanny) are not good.

Also be very mindful of your framing that your first child is great and your second child ruined everything. Your post is dripping of that.

+2 OP reframe this - your first kid asked very little of you and made you feel like a supermom, and your second needs more effort. But they're smart and verbal and you're lucky to have the chance to parent them because you'll be a better parent for it, even if you need to work a little harder for it. It seems like you're transferring your long-held resentment towards your sister to your 2 year old kid, which you have to realize is unfair and inappropriate.

Very well said. Please think about this, OP.

Hi OP. You’re going to get a lot of bad advice here from parents who haven’t had a child like this.

My 3 year old is just like yours except her sleep is even worse (woke 40+ times a night until 18 months, still can’t sleep independently, extremely low sleep needs, etc.). We’ve had her evaluated and have taken her to every medical specialist since she was a baby to try to figure out why she’s so difficult: ENT, neurologist, sleep clinic, pediatric dentist for ties, GI, allergist, developmental pediatrician, the list just goes on. There is nothing medically wrong with her. She’s just very smart and highly sensitive. That’s it. Some kids are just very hard, and it’s not the fault of your parenting, although of course your parenting can help a bit or make things harder.

The only thing that has helped me is taking breaks. We sent to part time preschool earlier than planned, and it’s been amazing for her to have the extra stimulus and for me to have breaks. My husband and I also split the really hard things like bedtime and transitions out of the house because those were making me nuts. And there are some things we just avoid because the meltdowns aren’t worth it, like certain parks and activities.

Look into low demand parenting. Hold iron clad on boundaries that are important to you. Always give unequivocal apologies to her when you’ve yelled or been too harsh. Physically step away and shut a door for a few minutes when you feel you’re going to yell, and tell her why: “I am getting very upset right now and need some space to calm down. I’ll come out in 3 minutes.”

I’m sorry I don’t have better advice for instant fixes. Twenty-33 months was the absolute hardest for us, and it’s being better. There are other families struggling through this, I promise.

If you think this isn’t normal, listen to that. Call EI and also look into PCIT.

She isn’t happy/thriving either. She is counting on you to get her help and answers so she doesn’t turn out like your sister.

It sounds like ASD to me. Have her evaluated. She sounds like she has severe overstimulation and sensory issues.

My hardest 2 yo (of 3 kids) is now my easiest (and my one with no dx) at 10 yo, so there may be some hope. I did not put her in daycare as a baby/toddler bc she just screamed all the time and I was worried someone would shake her. In retrospect, I wish I had put her in daycare/ preschool a lot earlier - she needed (still needs) a LOT of stimulation. Also, my relationship with her got better when I went back to work and was not with her 24-7. She started full time preschool a little over 2 yo and to this day loves school. She is also still stubborn and pushes buttons, but we are firm with her. I am thankful for DH, because sometimes one of us gets to the end of our rope, or gets tempted to give into something, and the other will kind of swoop in.

We still reminisce about the year where she didn't eat dinner. She literally went a year without eating dinner (unless we happened to have breakfast for dinner) because she didn't like dinner foods. So she just went to bed without eating and then had a monster breakfast the next day. Now she eats everything.

Similarly, with sleeping, we got to the point where we just put her on a different floor, turned off the monitor, put white noise in our room, said good night, and that was it. She still screamed all night long, which was stressful since I worried something was wrong with her, but at least I was able to sleep myself and function better the next day.

My oldest was a dream at restaurants, in the airplane, in the car- I couldn't believe parents who used screens with their kids. She would just sit and color or look out the window. Well, now she has inattentive ADHD and has some executive challenge functions and social challenges. These things can evolve.

As your 2 yo gets closer to her 3rd bday, I would recommend 123 magic for discipline.

Anonymous wrote:I have three and I love them all equally. I do not like them all equally. We’ve created such an unrealistic fantasy land around family and marriage in this country but I think this has always been the case.

+100

Some children are difficult. Modern parenting advice is all about catering to them. I do not think that's working. I would childproof her room completely. If she is throwing a tantrum, she stays in there until she can calm down. It's not realistic to listen to the screaming endlessly.

Realistically, you may be dealing with some sort of difference. That's fine. Stay calm and put her in her room. End of struggle. Childproof the doorknob so she can't come out.

2/3 of my kids are pretty tough. Over the years, I've learned that all the well-meaning parenting advice is a one-way ticket to misery. There's something to be said for being a little tougher.

Anonymous wrote:^NOT expect to have a pleasant experience.

(When my kids were small we took several years off from eating out. Takeout only when we didn’t cook.)

+1, your daughter ist way too young to be expected to sit quietly at a table.
Have you got a bedtime routine (singing, reading books ...)?

Some kids are just harder. If you're willing to put in the work, they can turn out better adjusted than they would have been. Don't give up on both affection and consequences.

Check and see if she has sensory issues - she may be particularly sensitive to noises, light, touch.

Sorry OP, it is really tough when you get a harder kid - I have one easier/more typically developing and one fiesty (eventually ADHD diagnosis) kid and nothing humbles you more! What is going on at bedtime? Does she nap at school and so then takes a long time to fall asleep?

I agree with others on parent coaching. It sounds like a really good fit for PCIT. You can find a provider here: https://www.pcit.org/what-is-pcit.html

Dan Shapiro and parent child journey is also a good resource to know about. He offers courses (sliding scale for fees so they are accessible) and a support group. https://www.parentchildjourney.com/

You'll have to learn new skills to parent this child most likely. With an easier kid the basic parenting things you hear around will work well enough (this is the case with my younger) but with kids that are higher need, you absolutely need more tools in your toolbox. In a restaurant, a two year old having trouble sitting unfortunately needs someone to just take them outside and run around. Reprimanding and demanding they sit at the table is unlikely to work (though I totally understand!). More tools and learning what your very specific child needs will really help.

Again, I'm sorry, it is hard. It wears you down. But for us it has gotten better. My elementary schooler with ADHD is doing really well now (medication was a piece of that puzzle for us)

Anonymous wrote:^NOT expect to have a pleasant experience.

(When my kids were small we took several years off from eating out. Takeout only when we didn’t cook.)

+1 We had a pretty chill toddler, and eating out was still stressful. We have friends with kids similar in age who didn't eat out for years because it was a nightmare. Their kids are perfectly fine, well-adjusted tweens now. The sleep situation also sounds very typical. This is why many parents resort to co-sleeping. Not saying that's a good thing or a bad thing. It just illustrates that many folks just kind of give up and do what works for that kid.

A lot of this sounds really normal - maybe on the stressful side of normal because you've been out of the toddler years for a while. Throw everything you think you know about parenting a toddler out the window and start over fresh.

You may also want to examine how the nanny is interacting with her. You may need to start over there as well. Some nannies just aren't a good fit for a kid who's a little extra.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel so bad admitting this out loud, but I secretly don't like my 2 year old.

My older kid has always been great. Super easy, sweet, fun kids.

DD2 has been a constant pain since she was born. Always fussy, always throwing a fit. I tried taking the kids out to dinner last night and DD2 threw nonstop tantrums, ran around the restaurant, climbed the booth, tried to knock a lamp over screamed some more, screamed the whole way there and back home. I'd grab her and sit her back down and sternly tell her to behave, and she'd just scream more. So we packed our food up and left.

She screamed all last night putting her to bed, screamed all night long that her blanket wasn't right, her pillow wasn't right. Kicks the blanket off and screams that it's off.

Even our nanny had a day where she had to leave because she couldn't take the screaming and tantrums anymore.

DD8 resents her because we basically can't go do anything fun anymore and the tantrums keep her up at night (every night bedtime is a battle). I've turned into the horrible mom who yells at her kids - in the car yesterday I screamed at the top of my lungs for her to please just stop for once.

My sister was like this as a kid and nobody liked her as a result. Even as an adult she continued to act this way and throw tantrums. I feel so trapped that I'll have to deal with this the rest of my life.

The only medical thing is schizophrenia runs in H's side of the family, and I don't know if this is the beginning of that or what. I really don't know how I'm going to deal with a kid who has schizophrenia plus screams all the time.

Is she hitting all her milestones? Talking? Doing all the two-year old things the pediatrician says she should be doing? Have you talked to the pediatrician about any of this?

Yes, she hits all her milestones and is ahead on many. She's an insanely smart kid. She figured out how to unlock and open the front door because she randomly decides she wants to leave the house. Crazy good talker, too.

Some kids are just a lot - especially if they are smart and 2. When cognition starts to outpace emotional development and regulation, hoo boy. It can get wild. And if you're first was easy breezy, it makes it worse. She needs a different approach. You need some help! Talk to your pediatrician about good parent trainers or behavior specialists who can work with you. Because at this point, it's you that will need to do all the work.

+1. The only way to change a child’s behavior is to change the behavior of the caregivers. This includes the nanny. Screaming at her (you) or getting so overwhelmed you have to leave (nanny) are not good.

Also be very mindful of your framing that your first child is great and your second child ruined everything. Your post is dripping of that.

+2 OP reframe this - your first kid asked very little of you and made you feel like a supermom, and your second needs more effort. But they're smart and verbal and you're lucky to have the chance to parent them because you'll be a better parent for it, even if you need to work a little harder for it. It seems like you're transferring your long-held resentment towards your sister to your 2 year old kid, which you have to realize is unfair and inappropriate.

I have three and I love them all equally. I do not like them all equally. We’ve created such an unrealistic fantasy land around family and marriage in this country but I think this has always been the case.