Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In my opinion, people are responsible for their own actions. Your poor behavior can never be a justification for his affair. The opposite view is infantilizing - it suggests grown adults are unable to navigate their own lives and just enact patterns of behavior based on outside stimuli. What a disempowering way to live.

He needs to fully account for his behavior and that is was morally wrong and unjustifiable.

You are also, separately, responsible for your actions. They aren’t nearly as serious in my book but you can admit that they were hurtful and that you can improve your communication and compassion.

Were OP’s actions not as serious? According to her, DH had an emotional affair. This could run the gamut from an intense friendship to something like sexting. She, on the other hand, admits she openly showed him contempt and compared him to other people for years on end. Who is worse? Not clear.

Anonymous wrote:My husband has cheated on me a few times in our marriage. He justifies it by saying I deserved it as I was emotionally abusive and treated him poorly. He found it very stressful and demoralizing that I kept asking for him to make more money and plan for our married life. He said I compared him to his more successful friends and yes, I did. I kept using them as examples of what he could do to help us get set up...I thought I was using them as guiding posts he thought I was putting him down.

I was also jealous of our friends who had more money. He would feel bad about himself...After 3 years of this he started cheating on me. This was devastating to me as I loved him so much and I begged for him to not leave me...and here we are still together. I still feel awful about being cheated on but he says I can't hold those over him as it was essentially my fault that he cheated.

Anonymous wrote:Wow, I think you are asking the wrong question.

Anonymous wrote:He’s going to cheat again if you rug sweep this. It doesn’t even sound like he is anywhere near remorseful. You both need to deal with this. You have issues you need to resolve, so should both be in individual therapy, followed by marriage counseling.

Cheating is never the fault of the person cheated on - your DH had other options, including leaving. He made bad decisions because cheating obviously never fixes marital issues, and he needs much better coping skills. You need to learn how to communicate better, be happy with where you are at, etc.

You will find good advice on survivinginfidelity.com.