Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wish there was a way to take everyone’s phone away just for the first 4 weeks, to let them get out of their comfort zones and bond. Like at summer camp.

They should. My kid is at a high school with a phone ban and the teachers said it's amazing what they are seeing. Teens are connecting more again and much more socially appropriate with eachother.

I go on reddit boards to find out about colleges and found it interesting some teens post saying they are looking for friends. In college, we found all our friends on our hallway, in class, and at clubs. Then we made more friends through friends of friends. We had no cell phones then so when we arrived at class/a club/lunch we spoke to eachother.

This is the huge difference. You just needed to be out and about and connections came with ease. Now everyone is tied to HS friends and others online and misses the opportunities right in front of them. The friend of a friend phenomenon at college was fantastic!

I have a son with 1000 friends and I have a son with no friends this year.

He's a 5th year senior.
Year 1 COVID, made 2 friend
Year 2 did not get a bid for a fraternity, but his 2 friends did, so he only sort of had friends and hung out with some HS friends.
Year 3 had a medical emergency, came home, missed a semester, went back in Spring... played soccer intermural, made 1 friend who graduated
Year 4 lived with his 2 friends, plays piano a lot and golfs on his own alot
Year 5 making up for medical leave, all friends have graduate, no friends... plays piano and golfs a lot.

I'm not really worried about him. Is he lonely, sure. Has his whole college career been kind of lonely, sure a little.

Colleges seem to have cut way back on activities for incoming students. There used to be more events, free food, and organized social things during the first few weeks but now not so much. I get the impression that as admission to universities has become more difficult and coveted , universities don’t feel that overall student well being is important to the bottom line.

Anonymous wrote:They do take phones away or limit use in some colleges during orientation week.

Really? Other than in classes, not sure how you can do this. They are adults

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:IMO, it's parents being more aware and having social media to complain to.

I never told my parents what my life was like in college.

I ask DC if they have friends they hang out with.

+1 I had a really hard time making friends first year of college. Didn't really find my groove until well into 2nd year. I didn't talk to my parents about it.

+1

30+ years ago I had the freshman roommate from hell (think talking on phone at 2am loudly, come into room at midnight, turn on music and all the lights despite me attempting to sleep for my 8am-12pm set of 4 classes, basically rude, inconsiderate and not willing to adjust// the best part (sarcasm) was them setting their alarm for 3am to "study for an exam at 11am" and hitting snooze forever---It was still snoozing every 10 mins when I left at 7:30am). Same roommate's older brother was best friends with our RA (so basically he was useless and I didn't trust anything I told him to not be repeated back to my roommate). My parents had no clue. They didn't know that I spent 3-4 days at a time (I did it 3 different times) during fall quarter living on the floor of a senior friend who had a single (our major was small and the upperclassmen were very supportive) because I needed a break from the craziness and had to learn how to navigate and deal with someone like my roommate.

Anonymous wrote:It’s my understanding that a lot of kids are indeed lonely, it’s true

And current college kids had an unusual HS experience. My kid was a HS sophomore when covid hit. They spent March 2020 until June 2021 doing HS from their bedroom. They spent Senior year (fall 2021) wearing a mask at school.
Yes they socialized, outside and with close friends. But it was not a normal HS experience. Thankfully they had a great group of friends (multiple groups actually from school and outside school ECs) already, but they did not Make any "new friends" once covid hit. But those years are key years for developing social skills. When you don't have to talk in class (most kids keep camera off in remote school and teachers can't require otherwise), you miss out on key skills.

So off to college, especially at one where you know nobody can be a challenge.

Then again, it has always been a challenge. It's just harder now because of Social media, IMO. SM is the "best of everyone's life", nobody posts a photo of them being lonely or left out from activities on Friday/Sat night. So soon a kid thinks everyone has such an amazing life what is wrong with me.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:IMO, it's parents being more aware and having social media to complain to.

I never told my parents what my life was like in college.

I ask DC if they have friends they hang out with.

+1 I had a really hard time making friends first year of college. Didn't really find my groove until well into 2nd year. I didn't talk to my parents about it.

Kids unwilling to speak to or confide in their parents isn't the bar that many people aspire to.

100%. Far better than kids becoming depressed or suicidal.

I don’t know. Dealing with your own problems is essential for mental health. Falling back on your parents and dragging them into your misery doesn’t help anything. I was miserable at the start of college but sharing that with my parents would not have made the situation better. I had to learn to make more efforts to get out and befriend people.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:IMO, it's parents being more aware and having social media to complain to.

I never told my parents what my life was like in college.

I ask DC if they have friends they hang out with.

+1 I had a really hard time making friends first year of college. Didn't really find my groove until well into 2nd year. I didn't talk to my parents about it.

Kids unwilling to speak to or confide in their parents isn't the bar that many people aspire to.

100%. Far better than kids becoming depressed or suicidal.

I am a parent of 2 college freshman that haven't met their people yet despite being involved in activities. But I don't post on the college FB pages. Aside from the beginning of school when I encouraged my kids to join some clubs and activities, I am letting them navigate their lives independently. Happy to offer suggestions if asked, but not offering unsolicited advice. They will figure it out.

I think a lot of factors go into

A kid who tells their parents that they feel lonely don't necessarily feel that way 100% of the time. Sure, some kids make 0 connections, but there are others who probably at times feel disconnected (which is maybe when they reach out to parents) but other times are having fun (but it doesn't really come up in conversation with parents).

I do know of one parent who is pretty certain their kid is not having a good time in college, and is planning to transfer. For whatever reason, the kid has written off the school as a bad fit, and is not making much effort (at least according to my friend). I don't know if that's become more common--feeling like a place should be a good fit, and not making much effort to change yourself to fit, instead. Maybe in past people just assumed it was them and tried to change? I'm not sure.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:IMO, it's parents being more aware and having social media to complain to.

I never told my parents what my life was like in college.

I ask DC if they have friends they hang out with.

+1 I had a really hard time making friends first year of college. Didn't really find my groove until well into 2nd year. I didn't talk to my parents about it.

Kids unwilling to speak to or confide in their parents isn't the bar that many people aspire to.

There was nothing to confide. You just dealt with it. Life, you know.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:IMO, it's parents being more aware and having social media to complain to.

I never told my parents what my life was like in college.

I ask DC if they have friends they hang out with.

+1 I had a really hard time making friends first year of college. Didn't really find my groove until well into 2nd year. I didn't talk to my parents about it.

Kids unwilling to speak to or confide in their parents isn't the bar that many people aspire to.

Are they dating or interested in dating?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

parents on the Facebook group are self-selected to be more anxious about their kid’s adjustment

This. You don't belong there. This group shouldn't exist.

+1. This is so ridiculous. Get a life and let your kid build theirs.

+2

Being lonely isn’t a bad thing. It’s a spur to get out and meet “your” people. Emotional challenges breed more resilient adults.