Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DD is dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde. I know it is partially developmentally appropriate but she gets mad at me all the time, I do nothing right, she is completely disrespectful in private and public. I know from therapy I should validate her feelings and ignore the rest but I’m so freaking mad. It is unacceptable to treat me like this and expect me to be fine the next minute. She tells me at least once a week how awful I am and how much she hates me. I’m not perfect, but I’m loving, we have a great relationship until she gets mad over something. Any advice? *I’m thinking that a logical consequence is that I’m not getting her things, she asks for Starbucks, new clothes, etc. I will say “ a logical consequence for how you have been treating me is that I’m not going to get you anything that is not a need at this time.”* I’m SURE this will fire her up again into another tirade where she rips me apart. Any other thoughts? Ideas?

This seems vindictive. You do a bad thing to me, I do a bad thing to you....where is that going to get you? You're describing normal teenage behavior. Yes, it should be addressed so you can teach how to regulate emotions and handle situations better, but what you're proposing will build resentment in moments where you aren't necessarily experiencing her bad behavior. Come up with something else. How about talking it through.

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How is that vindictive? If you're a jerk, I'm not buying you Starbucks 5 mins later. That's just good parenting. Don't treat people like sh**.

Do some introspection - is it her or you?
Honestly some ppl are just born terrible. It could have nothing to do with you and she just has a horrible narcissistic personality. You could do your best and these people will still turn out that way.

Just stop doing anything beyond the basics. When she asks for something or wants to go somewhere or wants food other than sandwiches remind her of how she feels about you and you doing things for her comes from respect do her as part of the family and without her respect in return, you don’t feel like doing them. You can validate her emotions without validating her actions.

I would be calm and offhand about it. No argument. Just a comment and walk away. She can do her own laundry and get herself around and maker her own meals beyond the basics.

I mean…. where is this coming from? My teen has literally never even approached the phrase. “I hate you“. That’s not a statement about my parenting, but we just don’t have that kind of conflict in the house. Are these normal “hey you have to get up for school” conversations that transition to “I hate you?“ Because that’s not normal. Rather than talking about not buying her Starbucks I would get to the bottom of if there is something going on with her. How much screen time is she getting? Is she involved in any physical activity like sports (she needs to be, even if it’s just being outside). Have grades slipped? What’s the story with friends/boys etc? If you’re partnered, what’s the conflict resolution pattern she sees there?

Look teens can be awful and yes sometimes it’s hormones but it seems like there’s more to this story. If she’s telling you she hates you bc you won’t buy her a dragonfruit lemonade at SB then yes, no more SB.

Yeah, I’d wager OP has been “ignoring” bad behavior for years and that’s why it’s now at this point. The kid knows it’s what OP tolerates. Some friction between parent and teen is normal; her saying I hate you weekly for no reason is not. “Refusing to buy Starbucks” is not a natural consequence of being angry and cruel, nor does it help her process her emotions and work through conflict in a more appropriate way.

Anonymous wrote:I swear this whole “ignore bad behavior” thing is one of the worst things to ever happen to parenting. It doesn’t work and usually makes the problem worse since it causes an extinction burst.

There’s nothing wrong with having boundaries. Imagine if your spouse screamed “I hate you!” and you had to just validate and ignore. Ridiculous.

I’m super calm with my DD when she gets this way, but I’m firm. I don’t get emotional and lash out, but if she’s rude and intentionally tries to hurt me, I don’t buy her things or take her places she wants. I let her know if there’s something she needs to talk about, we can talk about it, but if she’s going to be mean then I’m not going to do what she wants.

It does have to make sense in the context - like if she’s mean to me while we’re out shopping, we go straight home without buying anything for her or we return what we did get. If we were at home I wouldn’t just randomly say “no more shopping!”

I had cousins whose parents did the whole validation thing and those were the rudest freaking kids I’ve ever know, AND they grew up to be extremely rude adults who can’t keep a relationship because they treat everyone the way they treated their parents. It’s REALLY important for kids to learn boundaries and that they can’t lash out at people just because they’re mad.

+1000
so many parents normalize bad behavior it's astonishing. Kids need boundaries it's a very easy boundaries to draw and tell your kid you can't disrespect me on a daily basis.

Some things like not cooking for your kid are empty threats that you can't realistically enforce. Whatever I do, I am modeling for my daughter. So if I threaten, she will threaten back and that is not good. You can express disapproval, but then don't tell them if you are punishing them because they just feel worse about themselves which drives more bad behavior. I don't get mad, I get even with things that are good for them like enforce earlier bedtime, serve more vegetables, stop buying junk food, suggest more brushing, flossing and reading books, make appointments for flu shot, covid shot, etc. Sometimes they are actually missing quality time with you and say they hate you because if they can't get positive attention, they will take negative attention.

I swear this whole “ignore bad behavior” thing is one of the worst things to ever happen to parenting. It doesn’t work and usually makes the problem worse since it causes an extinction burst.

There’s nothing wrong with having boundaries. Imagine if your spouse screamed “I hate you!” and you had to just validate and ignore. Ridiculous.

I’m super calm with my DD when she gets this way, but I’m firm. I don’t get emotional and lash out, but if she’s rude and intentionally tries to hurt me, I don’t buy her things or take her places she wants. I let her know if there’s something she needs to talk about, we can talk about it, but if she’s going to be mean then I’m not going to do what she wants.

It does have to make sense in the context - like if she’s mean to me while we’re out shopping, we go straight home without buying anything for her or we return what we did get. If we were at home I wouldn’t just randomly say “no more shopping!”

I had cousins whose parents did the whole validation thing and those were the rudest freaking kids I’ve ever know, AND they grew up to be extremely rude adults who can’t keep a relationship because they treat everyone the way they treated their parents. It’s REALLY important for kids to learn boundaries and that they can’t lash out at people just because they’re mad.

My DD had a phase of this, and I say a phase because I couldn't tolerate it.

I very calmly told her that she was not to speak to me EVER in such a destainful or hateful manner because the next time she did that, she would find that ALL the things I do for her stopped completely. No more cooking, cleaning, laundry, taking her places or paying for anything. I would also not defend her if she needed it for school / teachers / friends / anything. I think the point I was making was look, I do ALL this for you, you can at least speak nicely to me. And she stopped the crap.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I got my teen a therapist and we worked on them walking away before saying something rude. Taking time to themselves and coming back and explaining what I did that frustrated them. Also, coming back and apologizing for being mean and rude.

I had to learn that I was actually being annoying, and I needed to learn what was annoying to them and stop doing that and when they said I was being annoying I needed to stop doing the annoying thing.

Basically we learned to communicate better and they learned to regulate their emotions.

This is ridiculous, you had to learn that you were being annoying. Yeah not a chance I would do that. I'm not going to go out of my way to annoy my kids but I'm not going to walk on egg shells around them. I tell my kids all the time if I have to chose between me being annoyed and you being annoyed then I'd rather it be you. I make too many sacrifices as it is.

I wouldn't blame a kid for being angry at a parent who acted that way, or surprised if the kid acted self-centered and annoyed their parent. After all, you decided to have kids. They didn't ask to be born.

Yes I chose to have kids and I don't want to be inconvenienced by them all the time. I'm a monster! The fact is my kids are not the center of my world. They're a big part of it but I'm not interested in bending over backwards for them. I'm much happier when I put myself first.

Anonymous wrote:My DD is dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde. I know it is partially developmentally appropriate but she gets mad at me all the time, I do nothing right, she is completely disrespectful in private and public. I know from therapy I should validate her feelings and ignore the rest but I’m so freaking mad. It is unacceptable to treat me like this and expect me to be fine the next minute. She tells me at least once a week how awful I am and how much she hates me. I’m not perfect, but I’m loving, we have a great relationship until she gets mad over something. Any advice? *I’m thinking that a logical consequence is that I’m not getting her things, she asks for Starbucks, new clothes, etc. I will say “ a logical consequence for how you have been treating me is that I’m not going to get you anything that is not a need at this time.”* I’m SURE this will fire her up again into another tirade where she rips me apart. Any other thoughts? Ideas?

This seems vindictive. You do a bad thing to me, I do a bad thing to you....where is that going to get you? You're describing normal teenage behavior. Yes, it should be addressed so you can teach how to regulate emotions and handle situations better, but what you're proposing will build resentment in moments where you aren't necessarily experiencing her bad behavior. Come up with something else. How about talking it through.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DD is dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde. I know it is partially developmentally appropriate but she gets mad at me all the time, I do nothing right, she is completely disrespectful in private and public. I know from therapy I should validate her feelings and ignore the rest but I’m so freaking mad. It is unacceptable to treat me like this and expect me to be fine the next minute. She tells me at least once a week how awful I am and how much she hates me. I’m not perfect, but I’m loving, we have a great relationship until she gets mad over something. Any advice? I’m thinking that a logical consequence is that I’m not getting her things, she asks for Starbucks, new clothes, etc. I will say “ a logical consequence for how you have been treating me is that I’m not going to get you anything that is not a need at this time.” I’m SURE this will fire her up again into another tirade where she rips me apart. Any other thoughts? Ideas?

Hormones. Get her involved in intense physical exercise to burn up that angsty energy.
Or a boyfriend to play with and get rid of it.
Or a job.

Yes, encourage your 14 year old to have sex. What can possibly go wrong?

Not everything is sexual intercourse.

Anonymous wrote:My DD is dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde. I know it is partially developmentally appropriate but she gets mad at me all the time, I do nothing right, she is completely disrespectful in private and public. I know from therapy I should validate her feelings and ignore the rest but I’m so freaking mad. It is unacceptable to treat me like this and expect me to be fine the next minute. She tells me at least once a week how awful I am and how much she hates me. I’m not perfect, but I’m loving, we have a great relationship until she gets mad over something. Any advice? I’m thinking that a logical consequence is that I’m not getting her things, she asks for Starbucks, new clothes, etc. I will say “ a logical consequence for how you have been treating me is that I’m not going to get you anything that is not a need at this time.” I’m SURE this will fire her up again into another tirade where she rips me apart. Any other thoughts? Ideas?

I think you’re right with this approach. You are modeling boundaries for her too.

I would not stop Starbucks or clothes. Unless she says this when you are out

I would call her out every time she says she hates you and have a discussion about why she uses those words. If you are both too angry to her room she goes but later that day discussion.

My mother just slapped us or screamed at us none of us talk to her as an ad.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I got my teen a therapist and we worked on them walking away before saying something rude. Taking time to themselves and coming back and explaining what I did that frustrated them. Also, coming back and apologizing for being mean and rude.

I had to learn that I was actually being annoying, and I needed to learn what was annoying to them and stop doing that and when they said I was being annoying I needed to stop doing the annoying thing.

Basically we learned to communicate better and they learned to regulate their emotions.

This is ridiculous, you had to learn that you were being annoying. Yeah not a chance I would do that. I'm not going to go out of my way to annoy my kids but I'm not going to walk on egg shells around them. I tell my kids all the time if I have to chose between me being annoyed and you being annoyed then I'd rather it be you. I make too many sacrifices as it is.

You can do one thing and a kid will live it and another kid hates it.

Go ahead and be annoying. IDGAF

But now I’m closer to my child and I understand them better…. And I’m less annoying to them which will be great as we move to adulthood.

My oldest has a gf who likes to text a few times a week and I have a DIL who prefers to have me communicate through my son

People are different.