Anonymous wrote:DH and I noticed it runs in some of our friends families, like the women learn to henpeck without trying another dynamic with a spouse, and the men engage in learned helplessness to be henpecked rather than change the dynamic.

People can have their discussions in private but public arguing is so gross to see. I see fault on both sides engaging in the dynamic. My DH sees it as the women being taken with something (money/looks/whatever the guy had) and marrying anyway- overlooking the stuff that would soon get exhausting to deal with. "I come from a long line of women who marry idiots, so let me handle this" is his impression he does when we see it in public.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The resentment that builds up when the adult that is supposed to be your partner in all the work of life instead bumbles around like they're somehow incapable or not responsible for anything forcing you to take the leadership role in EVERY. SINGLE. THING. and manage them through it is real. And results in things like regularly snapping at someone to do something because for the love of god you don't understand why they're not already doing something to help take care of everything / everyone

Obviously it's an unhealthy dynamic and I have no idea if your parent situation is this - but its a two person dynamic, not one person having a "personality disorder"

As an example my husband may join our 3 very young kids and me at the grocery store. He wonders off without a care in the world while I'm managing the kids and shopping for everything we need for the week. He may wonder back over with the ingredients for a meal he decided to cook for himself that afternoon that no one else likes and will take hours and leave the kitchen a mess. So yes what someone else may see is me snapping "can you just get the f'ing carrots and milk at least?!"

Again obviously not a health dynamic for anyone involved but also not just a me problem

Leave him at home with the kids. You don't need to bring your circus to the store.

That was one example - this is ALWAYS the dynamic. I'm just offering this up to OP as a potential reason someone who is usually kind would seem consistently angry towards their partner, this isn't a thread for advice for me

Anonymous wrote:The resentment that builds up when the adult that is supposed to be your partner in all the work of life instead bumbles around like they're somehow incapable or not responsible for anything forcing you to take the leadership role in EVERY. SINGLE. THING. and manage them through it is real. And results in things like regularly snapping at someone to do something because for the love of god you don't understand why they're not already doing something to help take care of everything / everyone

Obviously it's an unhealthy dynamic and I have no idea if your parent situation is this - but its a two person dynamic, not one person having a "personality disorder"

As an example my husband may join our 3 very young kids and me at the grocery store. He wonders off without a care in the world while I'm managing the kids and shopping for everything we need for the week. He may wonder back over with the ingredients for a meal he decided to cook for himself that afternoon that no one else likes and will take hours and leave the kitchen a mess. So yes what someone else may see is me snapping "can you just get the f'ing carrots and milk at least?!"

Again obviously not a health dynamic for anyone involved but also not just a me problem

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A lot of abusers in this thread perfectly describing the abuser mindset and justification. If they lash out at their partner in any way it isn’t abuse because she or he did or didn’t do something that made them angry or frustrated and resentful and this led to them being unable to regulate their emotions so they took that anger or frustration or resentment out on their partner but it isn’t their fault and it isn’t abuse, because if he or she had just done or not done things to cause those emotions in the first place then they wouldn’t have had to have the dysregulated emotion taken out on them.

I feel like you have been legitimately abused, but that doesn’t mean everyone on this thread has.

I have an equal partner. If we were at the grocery store, he would be with me or near me, sharing the list. The list we made together. The meals we brainstormed together. If I had a spouse like the pp’s, who goes off and leaves her with 3 kids and the actual list to manage, buys food for just himself, cooks it for just himself without making sure the little ones are fed, and then doesn’t clean up…that would drive me crazy.

If you think that the person who is doing all the shopping for the family and then cleaning up after the person who just fended for themselves and didn’t even clean up after themselves expecting someone else to do it…you think they are the victim?? Because the person carrying the physical and mental load doesn’t do it without being upset??? You need to re-examine your life.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A lot of abusers in this thread perfectly describing the abuser mindset and justification. If they lash out at their partner in any way it isn’t abuse because she or he did or didn’t do something that made them angry or frustrated and resentful and this led to them being unable to regulate their emotions so they took that anger or frustration or resentment out on their partner but it isn’t their fault and it isn’t abuse, because if he or she had just done or not done things to cause those emotions in the first place then they wouldn’t have had to have the dysregulated emotion taken out on them.

I feel like you have been legitimately abused, but that doesn’t mean everyone on this thread has.

I have an equal partner. If we were at the grocery store, he would be with me or near me, sharing the list. The list we made together. The meals we brainstormed together. If I had a spouse like the pp’s, who goes off and leaves her with 3 kids and the actual list to manage, buys food for just himself, cooks it for just himself without making sure the little ones are fed, and then doesn’t clean up…that would drive me crazy.

If you think that the person who is doing all the shopping for the family and then cleaning up after the person who just fended for themselves and didn’t even clean up after themselves expecting someone else to do it…you think they are the victim?? Because the person carrying the physical and mental load doesn’t do it without being upset??? You need to re-examine your life.

Anonymous wrote:A lot of abusers in this thread perfectly describing the abuser mindset and justification. If they lash out at their partner in any way it isn’t abuse because she or he did or didn’t do something that made them angry or frustrated and resentful and this led to them being unable to regulate their emotions so they took that anger or frustration or resentment out on their partner but it isn’t their fault and it isn’t abuse, because if he or she had just done or not done things to cause those emotions in the first place then they wouldn’t have had to have the dysregulated emotion taken out on them.

Anonymous wrote:The resentment that builds up when the adult that is supposed to be your partner in all the work of life instead bumbles around like they're somehow incapable or not responsible for anything forcing you to take the leadership role in EVERY. SINGLE. THING. and manage them through it is real. And results in things like regularly snapping at someone to do something because for the love of god you don't understand why they're not already doing something to help take care of everything / everyone

Obviously it's an unhealthy dynamic and I have no idea if your parent situation is this - but its a two person dynamic, not one person having a "personality disorder"

As an example my husband may join our 3 very young kids and me at the grocery store. He wonders off without a care in the world while I'm managing the kids and shopping for everything we need for the week. He may wonder back over with the ingredients for a meal he decided to cook for himself that afternoon that no one else likes and will take hours and leave the kitchen a mess. So yes what someone else may see is me snapping "can you just get the f'ing carrots and milk at least?!"

Again obviously not a health dynamic for anyone involved but also not just a me problem

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The resentment that builds up when the adult that is supposed to be your partner in all the work of life instead bumbles around like they're somehow incapable or not responsible for anything forcing you to take the leadership role in EVERY. SINGLE. THING. and manage them through it is real. And results in things like regularly snapping at someone to do something because for the love of god you don't understand why they're not already doing something to help take care of everything / everyone

Obviously it's an unhealthy dynamic and I have no idea if your parent situation is this - but its a two person dynamic, not one person having a "personality disorder"

As an example my husband may join our 3 very young kids and me at the grocery store. He wonders off without a care in the world while I'm managing the kids and shopping for everything we need for the week. He may wonder back over with the ingredients for a meal he decided to cook for himself that afternoon that no one else likes and will take hours and leave the kitchen a mess. So yes what someone else may see is me snapping "can you just get the f'ing carrots and milk at least?!"

Again obviously not a health dynamic for anyone involved but also not just a me problem

And why the husbands "take" it - well their options are step up and take on their full responsibility or continue with the narrative that they have an angry nagging wife while they continue to have plenty of leisure time and few responsibilities beyond those individual tasked that are forced on them. Or divorce or put in the work in therapy I guess. The only option that involves no actual work or change on their part is carry on as is

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your mom is probably like the 11:56 poster who truly thinks they can do no wrong and their spouse is just one giant constant f*ck up. That is the view of a lot of abusers and how they justify their abuse. They have a well if they just did things how I told them or did them the right way then I wouldn't need to yell or hit or abuse them but they deserve it because they aren't doing what I want, how I want, when I want.

Most abusers justify their abuse just like 11:56. It is always someone else's fault and it is deserved. Her example is pretty standard. Her husband deserved it because he is a useless f*ck up who didn't do what she wanted how she wanted. Same reason men use for abusing women. She deserved it because she is a useless f*ck up who didn't do what I wanted how I wanted.

People don't see it in themselves as they truly think their spouse deserves the abuse (just like 11:56).

NP. Puh-lease. While I agree Kate likely has a personality disorder and is F'd up, what 11:56 describes is nothing like that.

As a survivor of long term childhood DV, I committed to never treating others as I had been treated. I did a lot of work getting to a healthy place before meeting my DH - who was diagnosed with ADHD after our oldest DC was.

I can completely relate to 11:56. I could have written her post. Her response was not abusive - unless you call every expression of annoyance/frustration with your partner abusive. You try walking in our shoes and see how well your emotional regulation remains unthreatened.

Anonymous wrote:The resentment that builds up when the adult that is supposed to be your partner in all the work of life instead bumbles around like they're somehow incapable or not responsible for anything forcing you to take the leadership role in EVERY. SINGLE. THING. and manage them through it is real. And results in things like regularly snapping at someone to do something because for the love of god you don't understand why they're not already doing something to help take care of everything / everyone

Obviously it's an unhealthy dynamic and I have no idea if your parent situation is this - but its a two person dynamic, not one person having a "personality disorder"

As an example my husband may join our 3 very young kids and me at the grocery store. He wonders off without a care in the world while I'm managing the kids and shopping for everything we need for the week. He may wonder back over with the ingredients for a meal he decided to cook for himself that afternoon that no one else likes and will take hours and leave the kitchen a mess. So yes what someone else may see is me snapping "can you just get the f'ing carrots and milk at least?!"

Again obviously not a health dynamic for anyone involved but also not just a me problem

Anonymous wrote:Your mom is probably like the 11:56 poster who truly thinks they can do no wrong and their spouse is just one giant constant f*ck up. That is the view of a lot of abusers and how they justify their abuse. They have a well if they just did things how I told them or did them the right way then I wouldn't need to yell or hit or abuse them but they deserve it because they aren't doing what I want, how I want, when I want.

Most abusers justify their abuse just like 11:56. It is always someone else's fault and it is deserved. Her example is pretty standard. Her husband deserved it because he is a useless f*ck up who didn't do what she wanted how she wanted. Same reason men use for abusing women. She deserved it because she is a useless f*ck up who didn't do what I wanted how I wanted.

People don't see it in themselves as they truly think their spouse deserves the abuse (just like 11:56).