Anonymous wrote:Op—my advice is try not to worry about the teen years being tough. Every stage has its good and its challenges and every kid is different. Although I know it’s way easier said than done, do your best to live in the moment and don’t fantasize about how it’ll be so much better when xyz because you will inevitably be disappointed.

But to answer your question, I think the teen years are hard for a few reasons. First, we are older when our kids are older. My DCs are in HS and college and I’m exhausted on a different level than I was when I was sleep deprived with babies in my late 20s/early 30s. Second, the sh*# they can get into is much bigger and has greater potential negative implications and you have way way less control over any of it. Third, are going in a bazillion directions every day and you have minimal control over their schedules because they are dictated by the activities they choose (vs you setting up play dates that work with your schedule, for example). Fourth, it is a natural part of development for teens to flex their attitudes and become more aligned with friends. They are trying to figure out who they are and that always means pushing back against parents—this is true on some level for even the most compliant, easy going teens. They are more likely to listen to a friend or coach or teacher than a parent. Lastly, teenage years are when hormones take over. Their bodies are changing and that impacts mood, sleep, appetite and it’s really easy for all of those things to get thrown into a blender. Teens = way less control (than baby/toddler/ES) which often means chaos with an attitude.

Anonymous wrote:Teenagers act out and you're dealing with much more complicated interpersonal issues. And, simply, they don't adore you the same way. They start to pull away, which is developmentally normal, but can be hard.

Anonymous wrote:I think the parents who struggle with teens have controlling tendencies and are enmeshed with their children.

My own mother HATED having teenagers and made it very obvious to me. She’s incredibly controlling and seemed threatened by me having outside interests, expressing independence and exploring colleges. Normal teenage behaviors like smoking cigarettes was treated as if I deserved the death penalty.

I now can see she didn’t have her own hobbies or a career and had nothing to do but manage me.

Anonymous wrote:Every stage has positives and negatives but I have teens now and get it. My kids are really easy and we all have good relationships, but it’s so much less rewarding and fun than the younger years for me as a parent. They don’t smile when they see me or particularly want to spend time together. My role as parent has evolved to occasional good conversations and lots of figuring out the right balance of being a total nag and tolerating too much less-than-desirable but typical teen behavior. And driving them places, staying up late to bring them home, eschewing family trips or other things I enjoy because of their school or sports commitments (or doing those things anyway but in the company of someone who really doesn’t want to be there, which sucks a lot of the joy out even if they are being a trooper and trying to feign a decent attitude). There’s not a lot of joy.

And this is with two easy kids who generally are not outright disrespectful, are doing well in school, involved in activities, get along well socially, and so far have refrained from risky behaviors. Many of my friends and relatives are not as lucky. Two in my close circle have had kids hospitalized for mental health issues in the last 6 months, others have been failing classes, getting in scary, risky behavior, or just REALLY disrespectful/miserable to be around.

Anonymous wrote:Every stage has positives and negatives but I have teens now and get it. My kids are really easy and we all have good relationships, but it’s so much less rewarding and fun than the younger years for me as a parent. They don’t smile when they see me or particularly want to spend time together. My role as parent has evolved to occasional good conversations and lots of figuring out the right balance of being a total nag and tolerating too much less-than-desirable but typical teen behavior. And driving them places, staying up late to bring them home, eschewing family trips or other things I enjoy because of their school or sports commitments (or doing those things anyway but in the company of someone who really doesn’t want to be there, which sucks a lot of the joy out even if they are being a trooper and trying to feign a decent attitude). There’s not a lot of joy.

And this is with two easy kids who generally are not outright disrespectful, are doing well in school, involved in activities, get along well socially, and so far have refrained from risky behaviors. Many of my friends and relatives are not as lucky. Two in my close circle have had kids hospitalized for mental health issues in the last 6 months, others have been failing classes, getting in scary, risky behavior, or just REALLY disrespectful/miserable to be around.

Anonymous wrote:Every teen is different. I’ve had three. One extremely difficult due to mental illness untreated, two absolute delight.