Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Pick either Christmas Eve or Christmas Day (not both!!). Have you husband send a text to his parents before any plans get solidified, since he's non-confrontational. Stand firm if they try to talk you out of it!

Not OP but in a similar position. I tried this last year and MIL was upset. DH was upset that he had to notify her and MIL was upset at him.

And I'm doing it again this year.

I hope you mean you're sticking to your guns again this year.

Ppl can get upset. But it doesn't mean you have to cater to their every wish to avoid upsetting them.

When my mom was terminally ill (and alone; she was a widow), we made plans to spend that Christmas with her, knowing full well it would be her last one. MIL was upset. And her being upset really affected DH, who wanted to please her and change our plan. I held firm, and it felt good not to give a fig about someone else's emotional blackmail. I will never forget that stupid fight we had over mil. I was ready to divorce DH and be done with his entire family if they did not stop guilting us about Christmas.

Know your boundary. Know what kind of holiday tradition you want to establish with your kids, and go about implementing them with grace and conviction.

We finally ended things by traveling for christmas. My in-laws live far away but would use that to insist on a 2+ week stay over the winter break. We couldn't relax at all. We couldn't entertain w/o them being there. For 10 years we did this until year 11, when my youngest was 9 we decided to go skiing over the holiday. And that resolved it. The kids love it so much that they want to do this every year.

OP, this is the year your whole family comes down with COVID, whopping cough, norovirus?

Anonymous wrote:Your inlaws are local. Can’t you go late and leave early? Who is going to stop you?

Right? If your husband insists on going for both Christmas Eve and Christmas, send him with the kids. He can manage their behavior and clothing. You can show up for a meal.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Pick either Christmas Eve or Christmas Day (not both!!). Have you husband send a text to his parents before any plans get solidified, since he's non-confrontational. Stand firm if they try to talk you out of it!

Not OP but in a similar position. I tried this last year and MIL was upset. DH was upset that he had to notify her and MIL was upset at him.

And I'm doing it again this year.

Whew! I'm SO glad you're doing it again and not caving!

This is a husband problem.

These stories of wimpy DHs who don't want to upset their mothers. Such a turn off. Ugh.

I don’t really understand the issue.
If you are here, spend the day at your house then go to them for presents and dinner on Christmas Day. Or they come to you for lunch then presents…..
go away if you want to Your kids don’t have to be a certain age. Go now.

Anonymous wrote:Pick either Christmas Eve or Christmas Day (not both!!). Have you husband send a text to his parents before any plans get solidified, since he's non-confrontational. Stand firm if they try to talk you out of it!

Not OP but in a similar position. I tried this last year and MIL was upset. DH was upset that he had to notify her and MIL was upset at him.

And I'm doing it again this year.

No, I would tell them myself that I need at least one Holiday at home every year with my children to create my own traditions. Discuss with your husband beforehand to receive his agreement that he will back you up in front of his parents.

No one can accuse you of not being generous and tolerant over all these years. And if someone wants to criticize you, do NOT let them. Smile warmly in their selfish, pouty faces, stand up straight, and say kindly that you have already done this for X years, and it's time for your own traditions with your children. Smile, thank them for hosting all the time, so generous and family-oriented, sparkling conversation, really we're so lucky, such gratitude, sincerity oozing from every pore. But now we're spending some Holidays at home.

We do Christmas morning with just us and the kids. No visitors until 3pm. Christmas Eve we have dinner and church at my parents’ house locally - but go home for cookies and milk, bedtime at our own house.

Would you just keep going along with it until kids are old enough to travel as a family, or just do your own thing - not skip all holidays but either Thanksgiving or Christmas on our own - at the risk of upsetting them?

No

How would you explain it (other than lying and saying someone is sick).

We really want the kids to have memories of waking up in their own house on Christmas morning and opening presents and relaxing for a bit at home with their new toys. We'll see later in the afternoon. (Pick a time that makes sense based on whatevr they do and a tradition with them you can enjoy.)

To DCUMers who don't yet have kids possibly reading this. The time to establish the boundaries on all this is when you have your kids.

It's perfectly reasonable to want to have your own traditions at home. To want your kids to wake up Christmas morning in their own bed. We had local grandparents and we drove there in the afternoon every Christmas.

OP start now. Don't pull everything you're doing with them, but pick a few things and start your own family tradition at home.

I'd do Christmas Eve with them and Christmas at home - something like that.