Anonymous
09/28/2024 12:52
Subject: How do you motivate your ADHD kid?
Anonymous wrote:The EF issues and ADHD are clearly a factor. Despite her chronological age, her brain is not ready to do this stuff, so you will need to check it all for her, step by step. She sits down with you after school and a snack and a short break, and while the meds are still effective for the day, you put in writing in a checklist form what needs to be completed. You hold the phone until it is all done, and she does the work not in her room, or at least with the door fully open, and you check repeatedly to see what she’s doing. You allow ten minute breaks, no phone or anime.
You have her check off what is completed as she goes. You’re trying to establish a habit of making lists and crossing off that will be needed through adulthood.
You reward each day’s work by returning the phone or iPad at the end.
You praise like crazy as she gets stuff done. You point out that it must feel better to be caught up. You don’t do any of this in a punishing or shaming way.
This is about helping her brain work. It’s not about her effort or willpower. Don’t use the reasoning that your brain understands, like I won’t get into med school this way. Her brain doesn’t light up with anxiety about things like that until the last minute. Read about how ADHD brains work. She wants to do well. No kid wants to fail. As humans we are wired to cooperate with society.
Love this. Thanks for the advice.
Anonymous
09/28/2024 12:50
Subject: How do you motivate your ADHD kid?
The EF issues and ADHD are clearly a factor. Despite her chronological age, her brain is not ready to do this stuff, so you will need to check it all for her, step by step. She sits down with you after school and a snack and a short break, and while the meds are still effective for the day, you put in writing in a checklist form what needs to be completed. You hold the phone until it is all done, and she does the work not in her room, or at least with the door fully open, and you check repeatedly to see what she’s doing. You allow ten minute breaks, no phone or anime.
You have her check off what is completed as she goes. You’re trying to establish a habit of making lists and crossing off that will be needed through adulthood.
You reward each day’s work by returning the phone or iPad at the end.
You praise like crazy as she gets stuff done. You point out that it must feel better to be caught up. You don’t do any of this in a punishing or shaming way.
This is about helping her brain work. It’s not about her effort or willpower. Don’t use the reasoning that your brain understands, like I won’t get into med school this way. Her brain doesn’t light up with anxiety about things like that until the last minute. Read about how ADHD brains work. She wants to do well. No kid wants to fail. As humans we are wired to cooperate with society.
You have her check off what is completed as she goes. You’re trying to establish a habit of making lists and crossing off that will be needed through adulthood.
You reward each day’s work by returning the phone or iPad at the end.
You praise like crazy as she gets stuff done. You point out that it must feel better to be caught up. You don’t do any of this in a punishing or shaming way.
This is about helping her brain work. It’s not about her effort or willpower. Don’t use the reasoning that your brain understands, like I won’t get into med school this way. Her brain doesn’t light up with anxiety about things like that until the last minute. Read about how ADHD brains work. She wants to do well. No kid wants to fail. As humans we are wired to cooperate with society.
Anonymous
09/28/2024 12:38
Subject: How do you motivate your ADHD kid?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I would think her executive functioning is poor, as is not unusual with ADHD and ASD. Read That Crumpled Paper Was Due Last Week and implement more support as in the book.
Thanks. Her executive functioning is poor. Her study skills class at school is providing the type of supports that have been described (planner, follow-up, chunked assignments, extensions). We've also provided the supports you've described at home. She's not using the supports that are being provided to her. That's why this is a motivation issue.
It sounds like she needs support to use the planner. She needs someone to sit with her and walk her through how to use it. If the school isn't doing that, they're not providing what she needs. It's partly motivational but she probably also is just really bad at the skill of using it.
The school is literally holding her hand with the planner. The teacher has been monitoring DDs use of the planner and explaining why she is not using it effectively and how to do so. I've seen the written feedback and I know that they have met. The school is doing backflips to provide support.
At some point, doesn't the kid have to meet the support? I mean, seriously, we all have to learn to function in the big, wide world. We can ask for accommodations, but is it the school's or the employer's responsibility to provide bespoke accommodations that perfectly suit individual needs? Call me crazy, but I think DD has to find a least a little bit of motivation within herself to use the copius amount of support that is being provided to her.
It feels like you're asking for permission to give up on her, or punish her? I really don't know what you're expecting people to say. Okay let her be failure to launch?
Someone needs to sit with her as she writes in the planner. "Monitoring" and explaining is not getting results. If it's not working, a change is needed,. obviously.
Not quite. DD's school is providing all of the EF supports that you find in 504 plans, IEPs, books, etc. This isn't my first rodeo. Meds are good.
1. Are we missing something, perhaps CBT?
2. Is this an anxiety issue, not purely an EF issue?
2. If she gets poor grades first quarter, will she take advantage of the supports provided prospectively?
Well, it might help her if you modeled more flexibility and willingness to receive input and try things...I have no idea how you know whether the meds are good, if her EF is still bad.
1. Sure, could be.
2. Totally possible.
3. Likely not. She'll probably disengage more. You say she lacks executive functioning skills, and failing things does not suddenly endow a person with missing skills. This kind of situation requires real-time feedback, like as they're sitting with her working through the planner.
Anonymous
09/28/2024 12:35
Subject: How do you motivate your ADHD kid?
Needs an Executive Function coach. Need someone who is good though and who doesn’t trigger your kid. You generally cannot tell this kids what to do, they have to go through some difficulty to agree to get the assistance they need.
The first EF coach we tried - via a group we found via webinars really did not work well for either of my kids. So, they struggled until they were ready to try again. Found Educational Connections, child #1 was ready and worked closely with a coach 2 times/ week. Kid #2 did. not. want. a EF COACH. However, he felt the pain of his ADHD as reflected by not turning assignments in, not remembering there was a test to study for etc and was showing up in his grades in 10th grade and recognized this would limit his college choices. So he agreed to have a coach for the spring semester. Again, 2x week. Taught him a curriculum about EF skills he then applied.
This year the kids are not using EF coaching and seem to be on top of their classwork. But, won’t work if kid not willing.
The first EF coach we tried - via a group we found via webinars really did not work well for either of my kids. So, they struggled until they were ready to try again. Found Educational Connections, child #1 was ready and worked closely with a coach 2 times/ week. Kid #2 did. not. want. a EF COACH. However, he felt the pain of his ADHD as reflected by not turning assignments in, not remembering there was a test to study for etc and was showing up in his grades in 10th grade and recognized this would limit his college choices. So he agreed to have a coach for the spring semester. Again, 2x week. Taught him a curriculum about EF skills he then applied.
This year the kids are not using EF coaching and seem to be on top of their classwork. But, won’t work if kid not willing.
Anonymous
09/28/2024 12:30
Subject: How do you motivate your ADHD kid?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Is she medicated? Does the medication need adjustment?
She is medicated. She meets with her psychiatrist monthly and the meds seem to be working fine.
Really? What is she like without the meds? It doesn’t sound like it’s ideal. There will always be challenges, but maybe they should be adjusted. Also take away the easy dopamine (smart phone) if you don’t want to destroy any shred of motivation she’d have left.
Also, big YES on the phone. We told her last week that she's losing it if the work doesn't get done.
Anonymous
09/28/2024 12:27
Subject: How do you motivate your ADHD kid?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Is she medicated? Does the medication need adjustment?
She is medicated. She meets with her psychiatrist monthly and the meds seem to be working fine.
Really? What is she like without the meds? It doesn’t sound like it’s ideal. There will always be challenges, but maybe they should be adjusted. Also take away the easy dopamine (smart phone) if you don’t want to destroy any shred of motivation she’d have left.
Let's take meds off the table. We recently tried to up her stimulant and it was a disaster. She stopped eating. The stimulant has to work with two other medications, too, so moving her to a different stimulant (or a non-stimulant) could put her into crisis.
Anonymous
09/28/2024 12:23
Subject: How do you motivate your ADHD kid?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I would think her executive functioning is poor, as is not unusual with ADHD and ASD. Read That Crumpled Paper Was Due Last Week and implement more support as in the book.
Thanks. Her executive functioning is poor. Her study skills class at school is providing the type of supports that have been described (planner, follow-up, chunked assignments, extensions). We've also provided the supports you've described at home. She's not using the supports that are being provided to her. That's why this is a motivation issue.
It sounds like she needs support to use the planner. She needs someone to sit with her and walk her through how to use it. If the school isn't doing that, they're not providing what she needs. It's partly motivational but she probably also is just really bad at the skill of using it.
The school is literally holding her hand with the planner. The teacher has been monitoring DDs use of the planner and explaining why she is not using it effectively and how to do so. I've seen the written feedback and I know that they have met. The school is doing backflips to provide support.
At some point, doesn't the kid have to meet the support? I mean, seriously, we all have to learn to function in the big, wide world. We can ask for accommodations, but is it the school's or the employer's responsibility to provide bespoke accommodations that perfectly suit individual needs? Call me crazy, but I think DD has to find a least a little bit of motivation within herself to use the copius amount of support that is being provided to her.
It feels like you're asking for permission to give up on her, or punish her? I really don't know what you're expecting people to say. Okay let her be failure to launch?
Someone needs to sit with her as she writes in the planner. "Monitoring" and explaining is not getting results. If it's not working, a change is needed,. obviously.
Not quite. DD's school is providing all of the EF supports that you find in 504 plans, IEPs, books, etc. This isn't my first rodeo. Meds are good.
1. Are we missing something, perhaps CBT?
2. Is this an anxiety issue, not purely an EF issue?
2. If she gets poor grades first quarter, will she take advantage of the supports provided prospectively?
Anonymous
09/28/2024 12:20
Subject: How do you motivate your ADHD kid?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Is she medicated? Does the medication need adjustment?
She is medicated. She meets with her psychiatrist monthly and the meds seem to be working fine.
Really? What is she like without the meds? It doesn’t sound like it’s ideal. There will always be challenges, but maybe they should be adjusted. Also take away the easy dopamine (smart phone) if you don’t want to destroy any shred of motivation she’d have left.
Anonymous
09/28/2024 12:19
Subject: How do you motivate your ADHD kid?
I would think this school is not a fit and you need a school with more effective SN support.
Anonymous
09/28/2024 12:15
Subject: How do you motivate your ADHD kid?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I would think her executive functioning is poor, as is not unusual with ADHD and ASD. Read That Crumpled Paper Was Due Last Week and implement more support as in the book.
Thanks. Her executive functioning is poor. Her study skills class at school is providing the type of supports that have been described (planner, follow-up, chunked assignments, extensions). We've also provided the supports you've described at home. She's not using the supports that are being provided to her. That's why this is a motivation issue.
It sounds like she needs support to use the planner. She needs someone to sit with her and walk her through how to use it. If the school isn't doing that, they're not providing what she needs. It's partly motivational but she probably also is just really bad at the skill of using it.
The school is literally holding her hand with the planner. The teacher has been monitoring DDs use of the planner and explaining why she is not using it effectively and how to do so. I've seen the written feedback and I know that they have met. The school is doing backflips to provide support.
At some point, doesn't the kid have to meet the support? I mean, seriously, we all have to learn to function in the big, wide world. We can ask for accommodations, but is it the school's or the employer's responsibility to provide bespoke accommodations that perfectly suit individual needs? Call me crazy, but I think DD has to find a least a little bit of motivation within herself to use the copius amount of support that is being provided to her.
It feels like you're asking for permission to give up on her, or punish her? I really don't know what you're expecting people to say. Okay let her be failure to launch?
Someone needs to sit with her as she writes in the planner. "Monitoring" and explaining is not getting results. If it's not working, a change is needed,. obviously.
Anonymous
09/28/2024 12:14
Subject: How do you motivate your ADHD kid?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Is she medicated? Does the medication need adjustment?
She is medicated. She meets with her psychiatrist monthly and the meds seem to be working fine.
Well how do you know that, if she's still unable to do age-appropriate executive functioning?
Because we spoke with her psychiatrist who has been seeing her every month for five years. Do you think everything can be solved with medication?
No, but I think seeing a psychiatrist monthly for five years doesn't automatically mean the meds are right for her. If you're not happy with the results, you could trial something else.
Anonymous
09/28/2024 12:10
Subject: How do you motivate your ADHD kid?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I would think her executive functioning is poor, as is not unusual with ADHD and ASD. Read That Crumpled Paper Was Due Last Week and implement more support as in the book.
Thanks. Her executive functioning is poor. Her study skills class at school is providing the type of supports that have been described (planner, follow-up, chunked assignments, extensions). We've also provided the supports you've described at home. She's not using the supports that are being provided to her. That's why this is a motivation issue.
Anxiety often coexists with ADHD, and can make it harder to use the supports available. My 8th grader with ADHD,ASD, and anxiety definitely defaults to it’s better to not try than try and fail when his anxiety is flaring. Something else to consider.
Sounds familiar. Have you tried CBT? How'd that go?
Anonymous
09/28/2024 12:03
Subject: How do you motivate your ADHD kid?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Is she medicated? Does the medication need adjustment?
She is medicated. She meets with her psychiatrist monthly and the meds seem to be working fine.
Well how do you know that, if she's still unable to do age-appropriate executive functioning?
Because we spoke with her psychiatrist who has been seeing her every month for five years. Do you think everything can be solved with medication?
Anonymous
09/28/2024 12:01
Subject: How do you motivate your ADHD kid?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I would think her executive functioning is poor, as is not unusual with ADHD and ASD. Read That Crumpled Paper Was Due Last Week and implement more support as in the book.
Thanks. Her executive functioning is poor. Her study skills class at school is providing the type of supports that have been described (planner, follow-up, chunked assignments, extensions). We've also provided the supports you've described at home. She's not using the supports that are being provided to her. That's why this is a motivation issue.
It sounds like she needs support to use the planner. She needs someone to sit with her and walk her through how to use it. If the school isn't doing that, they're not providing what she needs. It's partly motivational but she probably also is just really bad at the skill of using it.
The school is literally holding her hand with the planner. The teacher has been monitoring DDs use of the planner and explaining why she is not using it effectively and how to do so. I've seen the written feedback and I know that they have met. The school is doing backflips to provide support.
At some point, doesn't the kid have to meet the support? I mean, seriously, we all have to learn to function in the big, wide world. We can ask for accommodations, but is it the school's or the employer's responsibility to provide bespoke accommodations that perfectly suit individual needs? Call me crazy, but I think DD has to find a least a little bit of motivation within herself to use the copius amount of support that is being provided to her.
Anonymous
09/28/2024 11:59
Subject: How do you motivate your ADHD kid?
She doesn't want to put in effort because she thinks she will fail. And she doesn't understand exactly how the effort changes the outcome, and she doesn't have the executive functioning to be consistent over time. What you describe is very typical of her diagnoses, including the high goals and obliviousness to how to achieve them.
Stop blaming her and start getting her more effective help. You need to open your eyes that your interventions and the school interventions are not the right fit. You probably need to treat her like a much younger child, organizationally speaking, and build her study skills up in baby steps and consistent routines. Yes the school should do this, but they aren't doing it at the level or in the way she needs, so it's on you.
Stop blaming her and start getting her more effective help. You need to open your eyes that your interventions and the school interventions are not the right fit. You probably need to treat her like a much younger child, organizationally speaking, and build her study skills up in baby steps and consistent routines. Yes the school should do this, but they aren't doing it at the level or in the way she needs, so it's on you.