Glad he's gone OP.

Use this opportunity to get your divorce lined up while he's away. If he's abusive now, you can only imagine the level that will come back when he is home so have everything together so that it's seamless when he gets back.

And therapy for you and your kid, the previous poster was right. Your child may see this behavior and think it's normal, both the abuse and the emotional dependence. Get it straightened out now. Good luck!

Don’t need no Starbucks

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Update from OP: DH finally accepted a new job, which is 2000 miles away. He’s been gone for not even a week and the peace at home is heavenly. DC is also super nice to me, cuddles, watches Tv with me etc. What a relief. This shows me that it wasn’t emotionally safe for DC to be nice or even just normal with me while DH was at home.

And you’re going to use this as an opportunity to get your sh!$ together and divorce him, right?

Getting prepared. It’s just another reminder who the problem is in this house. I have no idea whether he’ll be back or not. He said he won’t but I am sure once he has his hybrid schedule worked out he’ll be back to wreak havoc here.

Anonymous wrote:Update from OP: DH finally accepted a new job, which is 2000 miles away. He’s been gone for not even a week and the peace at home is heavenly. DC is also super nice to me, cuddles, watches Tv with me etc. What a relief. This shows me that it wasn’t emotionally safe for DC to be nice or even just normal with me while DH was at home.

And you’re going to use this as an opportunity to get your sh!$ together and divorce him, right?

Anonymous wrote:Update from OP: DH finally accepted a new job, which is 2000 miles away. He’s been gone for not even a week and the peace at home is heavenly. DC is also super nice to me, cuddles, watches Tv with me etc. What a relief. This shows me that it wasn’t emotionally safe for DC to be nice or even just normal with me while DH was at home.

Why are you still with your DH?

Update from OP: DH finally accepted a new job, which is 2000 miles away. He’s been gone for not even a week and the peace at home is heavenly. DC is also super nice to me, cuddles, watches Tv with me etc. What a relief. This shows me that it wasn’t emotionally safe for DC to be nice or even just normal with me while DH was at home.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Kids will sometimes identify with the abusive parent and think that the mom "deserved it" because they can't comprehend that one of their parents is choosing to hurt the other. This phenomenon can be much worse if the abused parent hasn't left the abusive situation yet. Are you divorced? That alone will make it better.

I just can’t imagine that DC would think any of these allegations are true - that I am a greedy woman who just married him for money (he’s unemployed and I am the breadwinner, he used to have a job though), that he magically paid for our lives and I just worked for fun and to get away from home, that I hate them, that I am from a poor and awful family (my dad was a lawyer), and the list goes on. DC is 13, I don’t understand how she can believe any of this and doesn’t see how these things are blatant lies.

I have no idea why your 13y old sided with your husband since I am not a psychologist, but I can tell you that in my case, I sided with my father when he abused my mother throughout my childhood for fear, in a nutshell. It was more complex than just purely fear, but at the core that was the reason. Fear that he would turn to me instead, fear of falling out of his good graces, etc.

But even as a child I remember knowing that everything he spilled as wrong. It was just survival mode.

Good luck.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Kids will sometimes identify with the abusive parent and think that the mom "deserved it" because they can't comprehend that one of their parents is choosing to hurt the other. This phenomenon can be much worse if the abused parent hasn't left the abusive situation yet. Are you divorced? That alone will make it better.

I just can’t imagine that DC would think any of these allegations are true - that I am a greedy woman who just married him for money (he’s unemployed and I am the breadwinner, he used to have a job though), that he magically paid for our lives and I just worked for fun and to get away from home, that I hate them, that I am from a poor and awful family (my dad was a lawyer), and the list goes on. DC is 13, I don’t understand how she can believe any of this and doesn’t see how these things are blatant lies.

Even if they were true, so what?! What kind of person would throw “well you greet up poor!” at you?!

DH is acting out bc his usual tactics aren’t working. But you can’t make him into a mature adult against his will. Not sure this is a marriage worth saving.

Exactly, he is acting like this because I don't say yes to everything anymore, and am not emotionally dependent on him anymore. Based on many recommendations online, I live my own life, separately but next to him. I go to the gym by myself, I meet up with other moms by myself for lunch etc. I travel to visit my mom, etc. This makes him mad. Also, I agree - what insult is that, you grew up poor... He just takes every little thing in my life, and turns it into some sort of insult in his rants against me.

Ok, but what’s your point? You have the means to leave, so leave. Or if you like this weird anger power struggle, stay.

It will take me a few months. But I have to admit, I am somewhat emotionally dependent, I am working on getting over this character flaw though. It's better to be alone than to be treated like this.

I’m so sorry. I will tell you that your kids may ally with him so he doesn’t attack them next. They instinctively want to protect themselves. Having them see him abuse you is skewing their emotional development and will affect how they handle their own marriages when they are older. They may marry abusers and think it’s normal. Get out of the marriage before your kids are damaged forever and get them and you therapy. Go to a therapist now to find out how to do this the best way possible. PLEASE.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Kids will sometimes identify with the abusive parent and think that the mom "deserved it" because they can't comprehend that one of their parents is choosing to hurt the other. This phenomenon can be much worse if the abused parent hasn't left the abusive situation yet. Are you divorced? That alone will make it better.

I just can’t imagine that DC would think any of these allegations are true - that I am a greedy woman who just married him for money (he’s unemployed and I am the breadwinner, he used to have a job though), that he magically paid for our lives and I just worked for fun and to get away from home, that I hate them, that I am from a poor and awful family (my dad was a lawyer), and the list goes on. DC is 13, I don’t understand how she can believe any of this and doesn’t see how these things are blatant lies.

Even if they were true, so what?! What kind of person would throw “well you greet up poor!” at you?!

DH is acting out bc his usual tactics aren’t working. But you can’t make him into a mature adult against his will. Not sure this is a marriage worth saving.

Exactly, he is acting like this because I don't say yes to everything anymore, and am not emotionally dependent on him anymore. Based on many recommendations online, I live my own life, separately but next to him. I go to the gym by myself, I meet up with other moms by myself for lunch etc. I travel to visit my mom, etc. This makes him mad. Also, I agree - what insult is that, you grew up poor... He just takes every little thing in my life, and turns it into some sort of insult in his rants against me.

np. Almost none of these things should be used as insults, and your child shouldn't look down on other people for them. So that's another discussion you could have with your children. DH's comments don't apply to you, but some people are poor. Some people come from poor families. Some people come from abusive families. Some households have one breadwinner (yours does, and it's you). Sometimes a lower earning spouse does work just to get out of the house, for their own mental health, or for extra spending money.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Kids will sometimes identify with the abusive parent and think that the mom "deserved it" because they can't comprehend that one of their parents is choosing to hurt the other. This phenomenon can be much worse if the abused parent hasn't left the abusive situation yet. Are you divorced? That alone will make it better.

I just can’t imagine that DC would think any of these allegations are true - that I am a greedy woman who just married him for money (he’s unemployed and I am the breadwinner, he used to have a job though), that he magically paid for our lives and I just worked for fun and to get away from home, that I hate them, that I am from a poor and awful family (my dad was a lawyer), and the list goes on. DC is 13, I don’t understand how she can believe any of this and doesn’t see how these things are blatant lies.

Even if they were true, so what?! What kind of person would throw “well you greet up poor!” at you?!

DH is acting out bc his usual tactics aren’t working. But you can’t make him into a mature adult against his will. Not sure this is a marriage worth saving.

Exactly, he is acting like this because I don't say yes to everything anymore, and am not emotionally dependent on him anymore. Based on many recommendations online, I live my own life, separately but next to him. I go to the gym by myself, I meet up with other moms by myself for lunch etc. I travel to visit my mom, etc. This makes him mad. Also, I agree - what insult is that, you grew up poor... He just takes every little thing in my life, and turns it into some sort of insult in his rants against me.

Ok, but what’s your point? You have the means to leave, so leave. Or if you like this weird anger power struggle, stay.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Kids will sometimes identify with the abusive parent and think that the mom "deserved it" because they can't comprehend that one of their parents is choosing to hurt the other. This phenomenon can be much worse if the abused parent hasn't left the abusive situation yet. Are you divorced? That alone will make it better.

I just can’t imagine that DC would think any of these allegations are true - that I am a greedy woman who just married him for money (he’s unemployed and I am the breadwinner, he used to have a job though), that he magically paid for our lives and I just worked for fun and to get away from home, that I hate them, that I am from a poor and awful family (my dad was a lawyer), and the list goes on. DC is 13, I don’t understand how she can believe any of this and doesn’t see how these things are blatant lies.

Even if they were true, so what?! What kind of person would throw “well you greet up poor!” at you?!

DH is acting out bc his usual tactics aren’t working. But you can’t make him into a mature adult against his will. Not sure this is a marriage worth saving.

Exactly, he is acting like this because I don't say yes to everything anymore, and am not emotionally dependent on him anymore. Based on many recommendations online, I live my own life, separately but next to him. I go to the gym by myself, I meet up with other moms by myself for lunch etc. I travel to visit my mom, etc. This makes him mad. Also, I agree - what insult is that, you grew up poor... He just takes every little thing in my life, and turns it into some sort of insult in his rants against me.

Time to leave. You don’t deserve this

Your kids resent you for having the job and income to get them out of living in this hell and not only do you stay, you make yourself the victim in all of it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Kids will sometimes identify with the abusive parent and think that the mom "deserved it" because they can't comprehend that one of their parents is choosing to hurt the other. This phenomenon can be much worse if the abused parent hasn't left the abusive situation yet. Are you divorced? That alone will make it better.

I just can’t imagine that DC would think any of these allegations are true - that I am a greedy woman who just married him for money (he’s unemployed and I am the breadwinner, he used to have a job though), that he magically paid for our lives and I just worked for fun and to get away from home, that I hate them, that I am from a poor and awful family (my dad was a lawyer), and the list goes on. DC is 13, I don’t understand how she can believe any of this and doesn’t see how these things are blatant lies.

Even if they were true, so what?! What kind of person would throw “well you greet up poor!” at you?!

DH is acting out bc his usual tactics aren’t working. But you can’t make him into a mature adult against his will. Not sure this is a marriage worth saving.