OP here. Thank you to all for your thoughts. I have toured a bunch of memory care places. I am not fond of the bigger/corporate type settings so far. Some seem fine, but I feel like we would be paying for activities and luxuries my mom would not be able to enjoy.

My favorite one so far is a large home in a historic district that is not memory care specific, but has security. It is privately owned; did not smell like urine (when I toured) and is more affordable.

I am placing my mom in respite next month at a different location. I hope she enjoys it. I have a family obligation, and I am soooo looking forward to be in control of schedule for those two weeks!

When I asked a similar question a while ago, someone pointed out to me that if they are too far gone, it’s harder to get them into a place so it’s better to start now

I agree with PP - if you can afford it, try a week of respite care at a local facility and see how it goes - like a trial run. And a bonus will be that you will get a break.

20:22 poster

When your tour memory care facilities casually talk to employees in the parking lots and ask them how they like working there. You would be amazed at what you learn.

I toured facilities in two states.

Also when you are touring ask staff glove change policies. I had two private duty CNA's who also worked at facilities both tell me that they were told
to wear the same pair of gloves for all of their patients. They were specifically told not to change gloves when they went from resident to resident. Both facilities were privately owned. One was on the eastern shore of Maryland and one was on the western shore of Maryland.

In general I found the smaller, older, rural facilities seemed to offer better care, residents were cleaner and happier. There seemed to be a lot less turnover. Local families seemed to be very connected to the residents.

We toured one that was supposed to be the best in the state. It was new and large. They appeared chronically understaffed while the rooms were large there was literally no staff around.

Also, if you are utterly burned out, that’s not a good situation for either of you. And finding a good facility would free you to enjoy a relationship beyond the realm of caregiving.

Anonymous wrote:She has some money put away for her care, but not enough to last more than four years. I worry she might end up in a Medicare run facility (nursing home) if she lives that long.

It would be Medicaid, not Medicare paying for a nursing home.

You can’t sacrifice your own health, finances and well-being. Think about it - you are managing all on your own what a facility has a multi-disciplinary, around-the-clock staff to handle.

At the very least you must find ways to give yourself breaks and respite. If your mother does not wander, might she be able to manage in an assisted living or is she already at a point where she needs a secure memory care unit?

OP, I was touring memory care facilities a couple weeks ago (in NJ so things may be a little different in MD). The facilities had to offer 10% of their spots at Medicaid rates, and after 2 years of paying full price you can go on the waitlist for one of the Medicaid spots.

My advice is to go take some tours. Some places were a hard no, some were much nicer than I thought possible (but also expensive), and then there were of course places in between. But I feel like I have a much better handle on the situation after taking the tours.

OP,

Even if you move her you will still have:

supplies, laundry (most families do this), medication, and doctor visits, paperwork, banking.

I'd outsource her bills and banking and pay an accountant to do this. We did this and it was really reasonable.

If she has the money hire caregivers 8:00 am-12:00 noon, Have them bath her dress her, get her breakfast and lunch. One day each week have one of the better caregivers work 8:00-2:00 and specifically have them prep her dinners for the week. You microwave her dinners at night. Also have the caregivers do her laundry.

Depending on your level of burn out have the caregivers run 8:00 am - 12:00 noon on Sat and Sun
or you do it yourself.

We were paying $30 per hour on the eastern shore of Maryland, Agencies there have a 3 hour minimum but generally I'd try to get the working mom's for 4 hours

Once you are in a rhythm staff 24 hours for 3 or 4 days so you and your husband can go to a spa.

I'd give this 6 months then reevaluate.

When you hire the caregivers call them "friends." My friend is coming over. Your friend is coming over.

All of mine were licensed drivers and sometimes I'd send them out to pick up Mom's scrips. They can also take Mom to doctors for you.

We found CNA's and GNA's to be far superior for Mom who had alzheimers/dementia than unskilled/untrained home health aids.

When you look around at facilities you can also place Mom at a place for 1 week respite care so you get a break.

Were

There is no win-win here, only a choice between different win-lose scenarios. Pick the least worst. It sounds like the least worst is going into a home.

Where you looking for our permission, OP? Surely you knew what answers you'd get on here.