Anonymous
10/03/2024 00:09
Subject: Reality check
Anonymous wrote:My grandmother loved living on her own in her little house after my grandfather passed away - they didn't have a loving marriage and I think she was pleased to have the peace and quiet after many decades in two bad marriages. She always had a little dog or cat for companionship, she talked on the phone to her kids every day and saw extended family on holidays. I wish I'd spent more time with her when I was in college and building my career but she always told me she was happy, never griped and I think she understood I was busy building a life apart from my parents who hadn't treated me well as a child in their home.
I definitely regret not spending more time with her - it's the one biggest regret of my life, because she meant so much to me when I was little - her home was the only peaceful refuge I knew from the chaos and violence of my parent's home.
I kind of wish she had passed away on the operating table when her broken hip was being repaired. Before the surgery the doctors warned her that she might, and she said she was okay with that outcome because she'd had a great life. The years after the broken hip were a downhill slide that ultimately resulted in her having to go into nursing care because all her family was full time employed and nobody able to give her the full time care she needed. She slipped into dementia and the end was not pretty. Dying on the operating table after kissing us all goodbye just in case would have been a nicer end for her.
I've spent the last decade working with primarily elders and because of what I've seen I am working hard to improve my fitness to preserve my independence and mobility late in life, but I am also planning my exit which I am determined to control and choose - assuming an accident doesn't get me first.
How are you “choosing” that?
Anonymous
09/28/2024 11:01
Subject: Reality check
My grandmother loved living on her own in her little house after my grandfather passed away - they didn't have a loving marriage and I think she was pleased to have the peace and quiet after many decades in two bad marriages. She always had a little dog or cat for companionship, she talked on the phone to her kids every day and saw extended family on holidays. I wish I'd spent more time with her when I was in college and building my career but she always told me she was happy, never griped and I think she understood I was busy building a life apart from my parents who hadn't treated me well as a child in their home.
I definitely regret not spending more time with her - it's the one biggest regret of my life, because she meant so much to me when I was little - her home was the only peaceful refuge I knew from the chaos and violence of my parent's home.
I kind of wish she had passed away on the operating table when her broken hip was being repaired. Before the surgery the doctors warned her that she might, and she said she was okay with that outcome because she'd had a great life. The years after the broken hip were a downhill slide that ultimately resulted in her having to go into nursing care because all her family was full time employed and nobody able to give her the full time care she needed. She slipped into dementia and the end was not pretty. Dying on the operating table after kissing us all goodbye just in case would have been a nicer end for her.
I've spent the last decade working with primarily elders and because of what I've seen I am working hard to improve my fitness to preserve my independence and mobility late in life, but I am also planning my exit which I am determined to control and choose - assuming an accident doesn't get me first.
I definitely regret not spending more time with her - it's the one biggest regret of my life, because she meant so much to me when I was little - her home was the only peaceful refuge I knew from the chaos and violence of my parent's home.
I kind of wish she had passed away on the operating table when her broken hip was being repaired. Before the surgery the doctors warned her that she might, and she said she was okay with that outcome because she'd had a great life. The years after the broken hip were a downhill slide that ultimately resulted in her having to go into nursing care because all her family was full time employed and nobody able to give her the full time care she needed. She slipped into dementia and the end was not pretty. Dying on the operating table after kissing us all goodbye just in case would have been a nicer end for her.
I've spent the last decade working with primarily elders and because of what I've seen I am working hard to improve my fitness to preserve my independence and mobility late in life, but I am also planning my exit which I am determined to control and choose - assuming an accident doesn't get me first.
Anonymous
09/28/2024 10:49
Subject: Reality check
My teen DD and her friend play duets in a rehab/nursing home place. The corridors and common spaces are lovely. The staff seems attentive and kind (but who really knows?). I suspect the individual rooms are more utilitarian (because that's how it always works), and of course the residents who come to listen are often quite diminished. But it brings them so much joy to listen to the two girls!
Anonymous
09/28/2024 10:42
Subject: Reality check
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Yes, dh and I are looking after our elders but we are probably the last generation who would do that.
.
Can you explain more? How are you and your Dh providing 24/7 care to your "elders" (how many are there?) on your own?
She said "looking after" that's not 24/7 care.
Some seniors need 24/7
They all will eventually if they live long enough.
Anonymous
09/28/2024 10:40
Subject: Reality check
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:😔 that’s our future
That is your future only if you cannot afford better. We have save enough (generational wealth too) to afford in home care 24/7 in our old age.
Yes but someone has to oversee that. 24 hr care is like running a nursing home at your house and is a full time job for someone to oversee (like your adult child to oversee). Don’t put that stress on your adult kids and be ready to move to a facility if needed.
Anonymous
09/28/2024 10:33
Subject: Reality check
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:😔 that’s our future
That is your future only if you cannot afford better. We have save enough (generational wealth too) to afford in home care 24/7 in our old age.
In-home care means no socializing, no activities, no stimulation. Find a high-end assisted living instead.
What makes an “assisted living” facility “high end?”
What, if any, distinctions exist between “assisted living,” “skilled nursing,” “custodial” and “memory” care, and what are they?
What distinctions, if any, exist between the availability of private and public third party payments for the various levels of care referenced above, and what are they?
All of these are critical questions and your flip response suggests you don’t have a clue what you’re talking about.
Anonymous
09/28/2024 10:24
Subject: Reality check
Oh happy day, you can afford 24/7 care with the aid of a stream of low-status workers to exploit or you can dump on your kids. Gee, I have no kids, find hiring skivvies morally repellent and will choose medical aid in dying as it's legal in my country for non terminal stuff including Alzheimer's.
Anonymous
09/27/2024 20:59
Subject: Reality check
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:😔 that’s our future
That is your future only if you cannot afford better. We have save enough (generational wealth too) to afford in home care 24/7 in our old age.
Caregivers will take advantage of you unless there’s someone to manage them.
I hope you have that covered
Anonymous
09/23/2024 22:17
Subject: Reality check
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Yes, dh and I are looking after our elders but we are probably the last generation who would do that.
.
Can you explain more? How are you and your Dh providing 24/7 care to your "elders" (how many are there?) on your own?
She said "looking after" that's not 24/7 care.
We are providing 24/7 care between the 2 of us. One of us is hybrid. Its very tough but we are doing it.
Do you just naturally not need to sleep? Does one of you do caring 7 am-7pm and work your job at night, and then the other does the caring 7pm- 7 am and then works during the day? I guess if you work 8 hours, that allows you 4 hours of sleep a night, but no showers, meal breaks, etc.
No kids?
No friends?
No hobbies?
We do the things you mentioned in between. When they nap/ sit for a while watching tv, after their lunch/ dinner etc. We have an alarm when they need us middle of the night.
Its not easy of course.
Anonymous
09/23/2024 14:33
Subject: Reality check
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Yes, dh and I are looking after our elders but we are probably the last generation who would do that.
.
Can you explain more? How are you and your Dh providing 24/7 care to your "elders" (how many are there?) on your own?
She said "looking after" that's not 24/7 care.
We are providing 24/7 care between the 2 of us. One of us is hybrid. Its very tough but we are doing it.
Do you just naturally not need to sleep? Does one of you do caring 7 am-7pm and work your job at night, and then the other does the caring 7pm- 7 am and then works during the day? I guess if you work 8 hours, that allows you 4 hours of sleep a night, but no showers, meal breaks, etc.
No kids?
No friends?
No hobbies?
Anonymous
09/23/2024 14:30
Subject: Reality check
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Yes, dh and I are looking after our elders but we are probably the last generation who would do that.
.
Can you explain more? How are you and your Dh providing 24/7 care to your "elders" (how many are there?) on your own?
She said "looking after" that's not 24/7 care.
Some seniors need 24/7
Anonymous
09/23/2024 14:00
Subject: Reality check
Anonymous wrote:Ever feel like someone has no experience but is eager to google for factoids?
I have been the primary caretaker for all of my grandparents as well as several great aunts and uncles and cousins in that generation. I’ve also been the feet on the ground for their friends without local family (really difficult when out of town family with no clue makes the decisions and all you can do is mitigate). I shared the statistics because the idea that everyone ends up in AL or SNF is not true, and there are things we can do to avoid or stave it off. As I said, not everything is in our control, but many of us can make choices that give us more and better time on our terms, and many will be able to avoid it.
Anonymous
09/23/2024 13:54
Subject: Reality check
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Yes, dh and I are looking after our elders but we are probably the last generation who would do that.
.
Can you explain more? How are you and your Dh providing 24/7 care to your "elders" (how many are there?) on your own?
She said "looking after" that's not 24/7 care.
We are providing 24/7 care between the 2 of us. One of us is hybrid. Its very tough but we are doing it.
Anonymous
09/23/2024 12:47
Subject: Reality check
Yep.
I'm checking out early. I am actively planning for Dignitas or similar, and have picked the age of 70 to do it. I'm 45 now and am going to live joyfully until then, then have a big party and long trip with family, then check in at the clinic and check out.
I watched my grandparents and great grandparents die, and the last years were horrible for them and horrible for the family. I won't do that to myself or those I love.
I don't understand why this isn't considered a realistic option by many. Spending my last years as all my older relatives did terrifies me.
I'm checking out early. I am actively planning for Dignitas or similar, and have picked the age of 70 to do it. I'm 45 now and am going to live joyfully until then, then have a big party and long trip with family, then check in at the clinic and check out.
I watched my grandparents and great grandparents die, and the last years were horrible for them and horrible for the family. I won't do that to myself or those I love.
I don't understand why this isn't considered a realistic option by many. Spending my last years as all my older relatives did terrifies me.