How was he in the home search and home buying process?
Proactive, active?
Or passive & reactive, having you do everything (run comps, check out commutes and schools, find a trusty inspective, find a good mortgage rate and bank, negotiate, etc.?

Anonymous wrote:We just bought a house as first time owners. I’m really excited to make the place ours and am constantly looking for things I can fix up or decorate, etc., or looking up what we need to maintain the house. My husband on the other hand acts like the house is “done” (other than getting more furniture). It’s starting to bug me that he’s not also looking for stuff to do around the house and it feels like I’m going to do a ton and he’s just going to free load. I’m not just talking about decorating; stuff has come off like a toilet stopped flushing or some outlets weren’t working and he doesn’t seem interested in dealing with it. If he’s not interested in decorating then fine but shouldn’t he at least fix things or find people to do it?

I want to have a talk about it but haven’t broached the subject yet. I’m sure I’m a little overeager with getting stuff done quickly, but it bothers that I’m putting in all this effort and he’s just like cool you do that. Is there a good way you’d suggest bringing this up without just saying hey can you do more projects around the house? Because I don’t think he’ll react well to that or know what to do with that.

Quickly find out if his father or mother was the same way - can’t ID things that need fixing or improving and also not doing anything about it

We bought a house from a couple who were horrible homeowners with the deferred maintenance. And zero upgrades but the amount of lipstick on the pig and lazy homeowner stuff showers up big time in the inspection report and we knocked $300k off our contract price.

So hand him the inspection report, divy up the suggestions and put him in charge of a few and you a few others.


You’ll quickly find out if he’s a lazy homeowner or not, bad with talking with repairmen or not, good negotiating and running a bid process or a total lazy sucker, etc z

If he’s bad at everything, well then good luck, it’s all on you. And you had better home and pray he’s also not a slob, misogynist, and neglectful future parent to any potential kids.

Anonymous wrote:We just bought a house as first time owners. I’m really excited to make the place ours and am constantly looking for things I can fix up or decorate, etc., or looking up what we need to maintain the house. My husband on the other hand acts like the house is “done” (other than getting more furniture). It’s starting to bug me that he’s not also looking for stuff to do around the house and it feels like I’m going to do a ton and he’s just going to free load. I’m not just talking about decorating; stuff has come off like a toilet stopped flushing or some outlets weren’t working and he doesn’t seem interested in dealing with it. If he’s not interested in decorating then fine but shouldn’t he at least fix things or find people to do it?

I want to have a talk about it but haven’t broached the subject yet. I’m sure I’m a little overeager with getting stuff done quickly, but it bothers that I’m putting in all this effort and he’s just like cool you do that. Is there a good way you’d suggest bringing this up without just saying hey can you do more projects around the house? Because I don’t think he’ll react well to that or know what to do with that.

Your husband doesn’t have to want exactly what you want. He’s allowed to have different priorities. If there are things that need to be fixed then agree on a budget and hire it out if no one wants to DIY.

I am so happily divorced from a project every weekend person.

I update (paint/etc) a floor (3 floors) every 5-7 years … 2 month project and happily enjoy reading and coffee Saturday am.

You are conflating two things. Decor and home maintenance. The first is optional and can be your hobby. The second is necessary and is non trivial no matter how new the house is. Sit down with your spouse and decide how, who and how much to handle home maintenance. Little things like broken outlets and running toilet (does someone fix it or do you call a handy man), who sets up HVAC service, gutter cleaning, winterizes outside taps etc, who calls the fridge repair person.
My DH is absolutely not handy and has no interest in fixing anything himself. I enjoy it and fix nearly all the little stuff (not plumbing) But he is in charge of all the yearly maintenance to call people and be home when whey come - HVAC, tree people, gutters, window cleaning. For all the stuff i cant fix, we have an amazing handyman we found through the neighbors and either one of us calls him.

It's fine for him not to be excited about DIY projects, but he should carry his weight on repairs that need to be done. A broken outlet needs to be fixed (albeit not immediately, unless it's the only one in an area with high use).

It's possible he is on a different timeline than you, and you might need to back off to find out. Can you ask him to take responsibility for a particular issue and see how it plays out? You deal with the toilet issue, and he deals with the outlet. If he looks it up on YouTube and gets excited about DIY (assuming it isn't a dangerous electrical issue), great. If he calls someone to come fix it, great. It might not happen for a week or two, but you could loop back with him and find out how it's going.

It sounds like something you two can work out easily with some experimentation and communication.

You should not have bought a used house.

It’s great that you are passionate about your new hobby, OP, but I’m not sure why you feel the need to foist it on your DH. A PP noted that you are perhaps newly married as well as new to home ownership? If so, this is a great time to start talking about how you will split up household responsibilities, and I hope you can do this without making assumptions about which person should do what based on gender roles.

I’ve been happily married for over 20 years and have owned three homes with DH during that time. In those 20 years, we have both worked full-time while raising three kids, and the only household DIY tasks (outside of cleaning) he’s done are hanging photos, holding ladders for me, and moving things that are too heavy or high up for me to handle. I make 100% of the calls to repair people and 100% of the interactions with them and contractors during renovations are on me. Which is fine, because I’m handy and enjoy all that stuff and he’s very much not and doesn’t.

I also do all the grocery shopping and cooking because I’m good at it and mostly enjoy it. I don’t resent any of his lack of effort in these areas, because he’s a great dad and husband who more than pulls his weight in other ways. Dividing and conquering is often a great way to go.

OP wants to live in a bank commercial fantasy world

Anonymous wrote:I always feel like once I move into a place it's "mine." And I have less than zero interest in wielding a hammer or doing any home improvement projects. I get furniture and maybe a rug or two and call it a day.

Different people have different interests. If you want to putter around buying throw pillows and painting random things, go for it.

That‘s not what OP is talking about and you know it. Homes require ongoing maintenance and the first year always seems to be the time when deferred maintenance that was glossed over for sale starts to pop up. I am glad to have a DH who is handy and notices things that need to be repaired around the house, we both want to live and raise our kids in a home that is nice and has “luxuries” like a working outlets and flushing toilets.

OP, I think you’re going to have to be ok taking on the discretionary stuff like decor, but have a (non accusatory) conversation with your DH about how you will handle routine home maintenance/repairs. If he shows no interest then you hire a handyman quarterly to come manage the upkeep. My DH would personally be embarrassed if I needed to pay someone to clean a dryer vent or install a new light fixture, but if one person won’t help then you have to pay someone instead.

We are subject to HGTV marketing about "making a house your own."

It sounds like you're treating homeownership like a hobby and he isn't. An outlet that doesn't work doesn't need to be fixed; you just need to use another outlet.

I fix the stuff that needs fixing, but the idea that I should be actively looking for stuff to fix is lunacy. If you like and enjoy that stuff, knock yourself out, but why wouldn't a person choose to enjoy their life over stupid make work "projects"?

There are 2 separate issues:

Lack of interest in decor

Lack of interest in fixing things.

He’s never going to be interested in the decor of the house, but you can come to an agreement like adults about fixing things.

OP, do you have kids? Because if not, you need to sort out your differences first. Kids are way, way more work than a house, and it sounds like you and your husband have very different ideas about how you want to live.

My friend just divorced (no kids) after years of this kind of thing around the house. I'm not saying you're headed that way for sure, but it can be death by a thousand cuts if you let it be.

You need to sit down and have a conversation about what *needs* to be done and what you each want done (he might have nothing on that list). My husband and I built a house and furnished/decorated the entire thing without a single squabble. We just discussed the items as adults and came to compromises as needed.