You've gone from team captain, to coach, to cheerleader.

Captain = essential, actually on the field (when your kids are young)

Coach = calling plays but allowing independence (when your kids are older but not adults)

Cheerleader = you watch them run the game and you're on morale support. You might get to come on the field at half time or for some ceremonies (when your kids are independeent adults)

Totally disagree with the first eight or so posts. You are not “friends” with your adult children. You gave birth to them, you wiped their bottoms, you loved them through every awkward stage and stupid mistake. To pretend that you are now just the same as anyone else they might befriend is ludicrous. Give advice if you think it will improve their life, even if it is something they don’t want to hear. Don’t be overbearing or demand that they follow your advice, but offer it because you love them. Then just continue to support them as you always did before.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is depressing. Seems like most adult relationships with parents here are one sided with the benefit going towards the "child". I am supposed to just listen and not speak in our conversations, pay 100% for everything if I want to see them, give financially towards all their adult milestones and be a free babysitter when they deem me worthy to watch their kids. Don't call too much or too little, don't visit too much or too little, don't try too hard to have a relationship with DIL/SIL because that makes you needy and be ok with them not reciprocating and never have any expectations of being called, visited, or acknowledged for being used to provide whatever they needed... This sounds like a miserable way to spend your later years after putting your children first for 20+ years of their life and they can't reciprocate even simple things.

I see it differently. I don't mind not giving advice unless asked. I am happy to make life a little easier by paying for and providing meals when they visit and helping with major expenses as long as they are gainfully employed and responsibly. I can't wait to babysit grandchildren if I am lucky enough to have them! You have to allow them to fly and be independent and go through phases of pushing the limit by calling even less and not wanting to visit as much, just like if a friend needs space, you give them that, but you hope they want to come back and don't just feel obligated. I assume they will reciprocate and show gratitude now and then (mine aren't adults yet), but I just don't feel entitled and when I get reciprocation these days with teens, I feel grateful. It's all about how you look at it. Try a different approach and you won't be so unhappy.

This is what rubs me. Us parents are successful...my kids are very successful and on track to surpass the parents from a financial perspective (that's what you hope, correct, that future generations do better than the last?). I assume paying for a meal is not going to the Inn at Little Washington at $350/head, correct?

Honestly, it makes your kids sound like they aren't doing well if you have to make their life a little easier by paying for a meal. I assume your kids also provide you meals when you visit them for a holiday, no? That's just called hosting. Do you always hand your adult kids $20 when you visit to "make their life a little easier"? Maybe you do.

I get that if everyone is rich, might as well start gifting your kids $$s and taking advantage of all estate planning things you should do. That's different, and that's smart planning.

Anonymous wrote:This is depressing. Seems like most adult relationships with parents here are one sided with the benefit going towards the "child". I am supposed to just listen and not speak in our conversations, pay 100% for everything if I want to see them, give financially towards all their adult milestones and be a free babysitter when they deem me worthy to watch their kids. Don't call too much or too little, don't visit too much or too little, don't try too hard to have a relationship with DIL/SIL because that makes you needy and be ok with them not reciprocating and never have any expectations of being called, visited, or acknowledged for being used to provide whatever they needed... This sounds like a miserable way to spend your later years after putting your children first for 20+ years of their life and they can't reciprocate even simple things.

I see it differently. I don't mind not giving advice unless asked. I am happy to make life a little easier by paying for and providing meals when they visit and helping with major expenses as long as they are gainfully employed and responsibly. I can't wait to babysit grandchildren if I am lucky enough to have them! You have to allow them to fly and be independent and go through phases of pushing the limit by calling even less and not wanting to visit as much, just like if a friend needs space, you give them that, but you hope they want to come back and don't just feel obligated. I assume they will reciprocate and show gratitude now and then (mine aren't adults yet), but I just don't feel entitled and when I get reciprocation these days with teens, I feel grateful. It's all about how you look at it. Try a different approach and you won't be so unhappy.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is depressing. Seems like most adult relationships with parents here are one sided with the benefit going towards the "child". I am supposed to just listen and not speak in our conversations, pay 100% for everything if I want to see them, give financially towards all their adult milestones and be a free babysitter when they deem me worthy to watch their kids. Don't call too much or too little, don't visit too much or too little, don't try too hard to have a relationship with DIL/SIL because that makes you needy and be ok with them not reciprocating and never have any expectations of being called, visited, or acknowledged for being used to provide whatever they needed... This sounds like a miserable way to spend your later years after putting your children first for 20+ years of their life and they can't reciprocate even simple things.

The narcissistic martyr has entered the chat. Welcome!

Self centered, self absorbed, narc child is present I see. You are the adult child I would hate to have. It’s a give and take relationship not 100% filling just your needs. Your parents are people too. Grow up and take accountability for having an adult relationship with them instead of an entitled spoiled brat. You aren’t cute anymore Karen.

You don't parent adult children. Your job is done. Do you parent other adults? The worst a parent can do is stay at the stage of "you were so cute when you were 5, you listened to me". You need to grow up together with your adult children, not staying stuck in their childhood. That means that by teenage years you need to start letting it go, instead of cutting their wings due to your own insecurities (nobody needs me any more).

Anonymous wrote:You’re no longer a CEO who is in charge of everything. You’re now a consultant and only offer advice and support when someone contracts you to do so. That advice may or may not be taken, and that’s okay.

You show your love by being interested in what they’re doing.

You’re really not even a consultant. You’re a very interested bystander.

Anonymous wrote:This is depressing. Seems like most adult relationships with parents here are one sided with the benefit going towards the "child". I am supposed to just listen and not speak in our conversations, pay 100% for everything if I want to see them, give financially towards all their adult milestones and be a free babysitter when they deem me worthy to watch their kids. Don't call too much or too little, don't visit too much or too little, don't try too hard to have a relationship with DIL/SIL because that makes you needy and be ok with them not reciprocating and never have any expectations of being called, visited, or acknowledged for being used to provide whatever they needed... This sounds like a miserable way to spend your later years after putting your children first for 20+ years of their life and they can't reciprocate even simple things.

Let me guess, your kids don't talk to you.

Are we talking about age 18 and up here? That’s technically an adult of course but I— parent of a 21 yr old college junior — can’t imagine not offering any advice whatsoever unless directly invited to do so. Especially since he’s 100% financially dependent on us.

DS: I plan to select an apartment next semester in between the homeless shelter and the government housing with the highest homicide rate by far in my college city. There is no parking so I’ll be routinely walking alone for several bloclks in south Chicago/ east St Louis at 3 am. Now please Venmo me $2000 for the deposit and first month rent. Thanks!

Me: you bet, son who’s never lived anywhere that doesn’t look like North Arlington! Enjoy!



Really?

If they are financially independent, you respect them as peers. You treat them as peers. You strive for a relationship of equals.

How do you make someone love you? You can't. All parties remain in each other's lives and care/love each other by choice.

Feeling attachment and love is what's ordinary. I would expect, that it's only in the most outliner/uniquely evil scenarios that love doesn't exist into adulthood.

I focus less on parenting and more on being a friend.

Anonymous wrote:This is depressing. Seems like most adult relationships with parents here are one sided with the benefit going towards the "child". I am supposed to just listen and not speak in our conversations, pay 100% for everything if I want to see them, give financially towards all their adult milestones and be a free babysitter when they deem me worthy to watch their kids. Don't call too much or too little, don't visit too much or too little, don't try too hard to have a relationship with DIL/SIL because that makes you needy and be ok with them not reciprocating and never have any expectations of being called, visited, or acknowledged for being used to provide whatever they needed... This sounds like a miserable way to spend your later years after putting your children first for 20+ years of their life and they can't reciprocate even simple things.

The narcissistic martyr has entered the chat. Welcome!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Absolutely agree on not giving unsolicited advice.

Would add that you should go visit your AC where they are living - don't always expect them to come home to you. It is a good way of letting them show you their new life and showing support for their choices (even when you are not feeling it )

I agree with this. Mine love sharing their favorite restaurants, coffee shops and activities in their new home towns. I think it makes them feel rather grown up.

np This seems rather patronizing. Are they 'grown up' or not?

I love parenting adult children - it's fantastic. Mine are newly adult. I definitely try to be consultant versus director - good analogy.

But because I don't need to bother them all the time with responsibilities, we have more fun--- we send each other photos, facetime, send photos of the dogs and visit.

We travel to see them and they come home for holidays and other visits.

When they are home we watch movies, talk about politics, try new restaurants. Yes, I pay but they genuinely like being home as well.

This is depressing. Seems like most adult relationships with parents here are one sided with the benefit going towards the "child". I am supposed to just listen and not speak in our conversations, pay 100% for everything if I want to see them, give financially towards all their adult milestones and be a free babysitter when they deem me worthy to watch their kids. Don't call too much or too little, don't visit too much or too little, don't try too hard to have a relationship with DIL/SIL because that makes you needy and be ok with them not reciprocating and never have any expectations of being called, visited, or acknowledged for being used to provide whatever they needed... This sounds like a miserable way to spend your later years after putting your children first for 20+ years of their life and they can't reciprocate even simple things.