I am kind of shocked by this. My child is a girl but has SEVERE ADHD and has been showering on her own and dealing with her long thick hair since 2nd grade. I did help detangle after but my husband can barely do it! I generally think once a kid switches from baths to showers they can mostly be independent. I do check in on if homework is done/packed but I don’t sit with them while they do it. I hope my son, who does not have ADHD will be similar, it didn’t occur to me that boys would struggle with this so much more?

Anonymous wrote:I always thought my third grader was immature but maybe he’s ADD. I have been making sure he does his homework (which he does) and then putting his books in his bag for him for the next day. I also help to wash his hair in the shower and get all his sports stuff together. This week I told him he had to get his books in his bag for the next school day and of course he forgot everything. I bailed him out and brought his homework and everything to school and gave it to the office for him. I asked his friends and they said they do this by themselves and also do their homework without parent oversight. Would you continue to bail out your kid or make them learn the hard way? Are your third graders showering on their own? He seems incapable of properly rinsing the shampoo from hair.

Like a few others commented on this thread: my 4th grader son is still struggling with properly shampooing/rinsing (and by the look of his underwear certain days- wiping). Organizing his sport gears. remembering to pack his homework or snacks etc..

His sister did all of this easy-peasy in 1st grade. So it drives my DH nuts that his son constantly "fails" at those routine tasks.

I just think kids have very different ways of maturing and some need non-judgmental help for a longer time. Yelling or harsh shaming doesn't help. What i do:

- i supervise and teach the shower routine. Again and again. "scrub here, and under here, double check you didn't left shampoo behind your ears etc.." . I leave more and more space until it looks like he is 100% on it. Then let him do on his own and just do a sniff test. And then there will be a new time where i will note "nope you didn't shampoo properly today, lets go back under shower i will do it myself". and we start over the progressive letting go until he can reliably prove he got it. That's tedious but i think worth it.
- This method applies to all the rest (bag, homework. dirty laundry, making the bed etc...) first i show him, then we do together, then he does the task while supervised, then i tell him i trust him to do it and let him do it on his own and then if he fails we go back to doing together for a bit.

repetition, repetition, non-judgmental patience. I point out when there is an unfair cost to me and ask for consequences (nicely) "look today i had to bring your lunch box to school, i lost time at work that is not ok. Now i need you to help with the dishes so i can work a bit longer". And if i can reasonably let him suffer the direct consequences i will "you didn't put your good soccer socks in laundry basket, now we have to use the scratchy one sorry, i dont have the time to do an emergency laundry"

I know my son is kind, and trying. He is not as good at this as his sibling, some kids need more help and repetition and I need to help him. In a few years he will be gone from home, it really is not that hard on me

Our 1st grade teacher told us that DC should pack and unpack their backpack daily (under parental supervision at least initially). Teacher thinks start of 1st grade is a good time for kids to begin learning responsibility.

Every few months in 3rd and 4th I would notice it looked like my now 5th grade son didn’t fully rinse out hair conditioner. When that happens, I have the kid wear a swim suit in the shower and let me show them how to wash their hair. My kids swim year round, so unfortunately conditioner is necessary unless they want shorter haircuts.

I think a 3rd grader should be working towards independence for things like packing and unpacking backpacks and sports gear.
We use dry erase checklists for our kids to learn their various routines. We have a stack of cheap 8.5*11 flimsy dry erase boards and we write routines in “wet erase”marker so it doesn’t wipe off without water. The kids check off their items in dry erase marker so it’s easy to wipe the list and use it again the next day.

I would never bring something to school. Never. I've had teachers call and ask me to (for their convenience... changed something about their daily plan) and I won't.

Anonymous wrote:My son did not shower or wipe independently until halfway through 3rd grade. Don't worry.
Now he is in 4th grade and if my mom group chat is any evidence all the kids are getting significant homework supervision. Constant asking to share study guides and such.

He wants you to wipe him after he uses the bathroom?

Checklist and timers help us.
Checklist has Timex each needs to be done by.

Anonymous wrote:Here are some strategies that we use:
Routine charts posted in bedroom/bathroom (like AM and PM routine that includes brushing teeth, making bed, etc.)
Backpack checklist posted near front door
Chore chart posted in kitchen
Timers for lots of stuff, including homework

I sit with my K and 3rd graders while they complete their homework but I don’t monitor what they are doing. I read, do the grocery shopping, etc. We also have a PK3 and he often sits and “does his homework” too.

I don’t mean to make this sound like everyone is automatically compliant, but I also let them “fail” in some ways. For example (kinda random), all three kids are responsible for brushing their own teeth in the morning. If they don’t do a good job, it doesn’t really matter. I monitor teeth brushing at night. So this is an example of giving some low stakes independence but also having a safety net. Another example is that all kids pack their own snack in their backpack. When we are leaving, I tell everyone to check their bag for everything they need. If they forget, they will be a little hungry that day but they will manage.

(I was a MS teacher for 15 years.)

+1

My fourth grader does not wash his hair reliably - but I check about once a week and sniff his hair to make sure he used soap. I still pack his backpack.

Anonymous wrote:My kid is ADHD so we are very intentionally trying trying to teach him to do be responsible for things himself. We have a list of chores he has to do every morning to earn screen time after school. Clear dishes, brush teeth, etc. He checks things off as he goes. At the beginning we had to remind him what he had to do but now he does it himself. We also have a list of what needs to go in his school bag every day and he packs his own bag. We do double check but at some point we will stop. I would set the expectation and structure before you let your kid fail.

Adding this is 3rd grade