Anonymous wrote:I'm the original poster. Been in a relationship with my spouse for over 15 years. I have never, and would never, hurt or intimidate my spouse or kids in any way. The thought is repulsive and absurd.

I included the points in my post because I wanted to underscore how irrational my spouse was behaving. My spouse had just finished watching the Lacey Peterson documentary on Netflix and just used the "D" word with me for the first time, and was afraid I was going to suddenly turn into some kind of Scott Peterson. It was totally crazy and had no basis in reality.

You've been asked by multiple people what actually happened - what did your teen say/do, what did you say in response, at what point did spouse intervene. Nada.

You have responded a dozen times to clarify how good of a guy you are and how irrational your spouse is but never actually answered questions that would allow people to judge whether your spouse was irrational. You've just reasserted a bunch of times that you're right and they're crazy. Now you're providing additional details nobody asked for about your spouse's Netflix viewing habits - but still no actual details about what happened.

Your spouse threatened to divorce you over this. You seem to not care at all except to say they're crazy because you're right. So if you don't care if you're married to them, and you think they're crazy, then take them up on it. But you can't demand that the internet agree with you when your own telling of the situation makes you sound proud of physically intimidating your spouse and kids, completely unbothered by your spouse telling you they're frightened of you, and you won't actually defend what you actually did, because you won't even describe it.

The gender neutral ness of this whole thing makes it very difficult to follow.

I'm the original poster. Been in a relationship with my spouse for over 15 years. I have never, and would never, hurt or intimidate my spouse or kids in any way. The thought is repulsive and absurd.

I included the points in my post because I wanted to underscore how irrational my spouse was behaving. My spouse had just finished watching the Lacey Peterson documentary on Netflix and just used the "D" word with me for the first time, and was afraid I was going to suddenly turn into some kind of Scott Peterson. It was totally crazy and had no basis in reality.

I often find men dont realize (or more likely they do, and take some pleasure in it) how physically intimidating they can be. A lot of dysfunctional men love leveraging the threat their physical presence poses, particularly over the nagging wife or the son who's starting to come into his own power and fight back.

Anonymous wrote:I practice a near textbook style of authoritative parenting. Spouse practices permissive parenting.

To spouse, I appear authoritarian relative to their position, so spouse often takes jabs at me for being authoritarian. In my spouse's eyes, it's relative.

I don't see how this is possible if there is a visible change in your voice and demeanor when you are in something identifiable and distinguishable from your norm that you refer to as "full parenting mode."

That combination of facts is inconsistent with any of the parenting education I have received, much of it focused on this permissive--authoritative--authoritarian spectrum and how each tends to play out.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:it's odd how this thread sort of took a turn toward attributing physical intimidation and anger to the OP. Don't see any indicators by the OP that this happened, just supposition and speculation by some DCUM folks. People behavior irrationally during arguments and say horrible things to each other that they don't mean. OP should not have come here for any kind of meaningful advice. Go get marriage counseling.

OP's spouse said straight up that they were afraid of OP committing DV in the first post. And OP inserted the bit about being large and intimidating themselves. It's all in the OP, not speculation by posters responding.

+1
You don't say I tend to project a large physical presence when I'm in full parenting mode if that's not about intimidation. What other reason is there for projecting a large physical presence? Dominance and intimidation. The way the OP tells the story, this was one of many interactions on this topic, and their spouse is fully over OP's BS.

Anonymous wrote:it's odd how this thread sort of took a turn toward attributing physical intimidation and anger to the OP. Don't see any indicators by the OP that this happened, just supposition and speculation by some DCUM folks. People behavior irrationally during arguments and say horrible things to each other that they don't mean. OP should not have come here for any kind of meaningful advice. Go get marriage counseling.

OP's spouse said straight up that they were afraid of OP committing DV in the first post. And OP inserted the bit about being large and intimidating themselves. It's all in the OP, not speculation by posters responding.

it's odd how this thread sort of took a turn toward attributing physical intimidation and anger to the OP. Don't see any indicators by the OP that this happened, just supposition and speculation by some DCUM folks. People behavior irrationally during arguments and say horrible things to each other that they don't mean. OP should not have come here for any kind of meaningful advice. Go get marriage counseling.

DH has the same voice and I'm guessing appearance as you describe. I'm nearly a foot shorter than him. I have not once felt intimidated by him nor have our kids. You can have intimidating qualities but carry and present yourself in ways that are not intimidating. I get what you're saying overall, strangers would likely assume he's intimidating based on his qualities. But the second they interacted with him they would know he's not.

My husband and I recently got into it for similar reasons. He got up in my face, puffed up his chest and sort of fake chest-bumped me to intimidate me. When the moment had passed, I told him he gets the benefit of hearing this one time and one time only, that if he ever used his size to attempt to intimidate me again, he'll be on his own because I'll be out the door. If he tried that sh!t with my kid you better believe I'd be all over him.

Genders whatever, OP, your spouse is pissed. At you. For good reason. Change your damn behavior. Home is a safe space, not a place to be intimidating for sport. You sound like a total jackass.

DS means Dear Son, not Dear Spouse. Write DH or DW.

I practice a near textbook style of authoritative parenting. Spouse practices permissive parenting.

To spouse, I appear authoritarian relative to their position, so spouse often takes jabs at me for being authoritarian. In my spouse's eyes, it's relative.

Anonymous wrote:I'm so confused.

"I was a perpetual source of negativity over their life and I had come up with one excuse after another to justify my misery."

"asked if I was going to hurt them"

It sounds like you DH not DS is tired of your angry and overbearing outbursts with your "teenagers" and want's you to calm the F down. He also sounds like he's scared of you and doesn't like the threatening tone you use with the teenagers. He's also tried of the fact you spread your negativity and misery throughout the rest of the house.

My suggestion would be to LISTEN to what he's telling you here, get some some anger management, some therapy and have some patience with your teenagers and him before he files for divorcee. He sounds pretty fed up with you and your attitude and how it's bringing the whole house down.

+1 Especially because OP says himself that spouse is stoic and bottles things up and OP just says every negative thing he thinks. So if the spouse has been listening to OP be negative for years and bottling it up, and then finally loses it and says all of the above - in what world does them finally speaking up make OP, who has been saying negative things all along, a victim?

What did I just read???

OP are you a wife speaking about her husband?

I'm so confused.

"I was a perpetual source of negativity over their life and I had come up with one excuse after another to justify my misery."

"asked if I was going to hurt them"

It sounds like you DH not DS is tired of your angry and overbearing outbursts with your "teenagers" and want's you to calm the F down. He also sounds like he's scared of you and doesn't like the threatening tone you use with the teenagers. He's also tried of the fact you spread your negativity and misery throughout the rest of the house.

My suggestion would be to LISTEN to what he's telling you here, get some some anger management, some therapy and have some patience with your teenagers and him before he files for divorcee. He sounds pretty fed up with you and your attitude and how it's bringing the whole house down.