Tell her she can get busy living and enjoy life, or she can get busy dying, but only having one of you vested in her moving forward isn't going to work.
If she's not into getting better, have a hospice consult. Maybe she just needs palliative care.

Anonymous wrote:Agree you should drop the rope, OP. Her health is her responsibility, not yours, and it's obvious from what you've posted that your efforts have not been successful.

Ironically, if you let her know that you are backing off and not taking responsibility for any of this stuff, she might decide to step up. Or not. It's really her decision.

My mom is similar and I've offered help with some things, but she always has excuses. I have a SN child so I'm not interested in trying to caregive. She's a grown up whose only job, for years, has been to care for herself. If she choses not to do that, that's her business.

I could have posted this. OP had the same thing with dad (more appreciative) and mom. I put up with way too much rage and disturbing dynamics until my own health crisis. I got a case manager because I also had a challenging sibling profiting from mom by playing into the dysfunction. That person could objectively assess, communicate needs, stay out of dysfunction and follow the law regarding allowing her to make her own poor decisions until deemed cognitively unable. Mom was livid, but, it was amazing to see she became far more capable and started taking more responsibility for her problems. She tried to complain about how expensive everything was that I did for free. She chose to be nasty and unappreciative so, it's not my concern that she has to spend money. This a woman who had endless free time for self-care her entire married life and unsolicited she would regularly let me know things like when one of my kids was in the NICU for a prolonged period of time they would not help with bills. We did not ask. Then she would come back from a luxury European cruise to bring it up again. Those things helped remind me that she has the money and I certainly don't need to help her save it.

Thanks for the responses! Seems I'm not alone.

Sounds like I should back off/ drop the rope. I'm trying that this long weekend. I just need a break.

It's hard to accept that she may not optimize her options for the longest life possible... It was different with Dad because cognitively we had to make most decisions. But she's of 'sound mind' and gets to make her own bad decisions.

Agree you should drop the rope, OP. Her health is her responsibility, not yours, and it's obvious from what you've posted that your efforts have not been successful.

Ironically, if you let her know that you are backing off and not taking responsibility for any of this stuff, she might decide to step up. Or not. It's really her decision.

My mom is similar and I've offered help with some things, but she always has excuses. I have a SN child so I'm not interested in trying to caregive. She's a grown up whose only job, for years, has been to care for herself. If she choses not to do that, that's her business.