Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm very sorry, OP. You need to prioritize yourself. I'm in a similar situation, and sometimes I feel the only reason I'm still alive is that my kids still need me.

I'm not quite sure what prioritizing oneself means, in the context of straightened funds, demands on one's time and an abusive spouse... but I listen to classical music, try to read good books and uplifting movies and spend time with my friends and children.

Is your mother on a waitlist for the appropriate government facility? She needs to be. You can't kill yourself trying to do everything, poor dear.

She can have in home care covered up to 24/7 but she refuses. Same for a home, she refuses and it would be sad for her.

You are projecting your own mental state on your mother. Get a geriatric social worker who can tell you what to do since you are too weak to make decisions. Get someone else to take your child to college. They probably can’t wait to get away from the dysfunction. Talk to a divorce lawyer who can tell you how to protect your money as much as possible. Start spending down what you have to manage mom, child, and your needs so there is less for the husband you should have divorced years ago.

Make changes!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So get a new job and ditch the DH. Find mom a retirement home. What's in any of this for you?

All this...

All of this + start yoga at least 2/week.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm very sorry, OP. You need to prioritize yourself. I'm in a similar situation, and sometimes I feel the only reason I'm still alive is that my kids still need me.

I'm not quite sure what prioritizing oneself means, in the context of straightened funds, demands on one's time and an abusive spouse... but I listen to classical music, try to read good books and uplifting movies and spend time with my friends and children.

Is your mother on a waitlist for the appropriate government facility? She needs to be. You can't kill yourself trying to do everything, poor dear.

She can have in home care covered up to 24/7 but she refuses. Same for a home, she refuses and it would be sad for her.

If you have a breakdown or become ill yourself from the stress of caregiving you’ll be no help to her. Just step away. Without your care, she’ll be forced to accept help.

Ohh OP, am so sorry to hear how bad things are at the moment. 😢

It all sounds so overwhelming to me!

Yes, therapy cannot change the circumstances that you are facing……but it can help you deal w/it better.

Can you talk to someone at work who can help you possibly outsource or alleviate some of your job responsibilities?
You can even state that you are going through some health issues w/both yourself as well as your Mother.

Can you also do the same w/your providers?
Or possibly find new ones??
Being an advocate for your own health is very important & sometimes you need to go above + beyond in order to receive the care that you deserve.

Your husband sounds like an extra stressor imo.
Would he be willing to attend marital counseling w/you in order to address your current marriage concerns?
If not - then you might want to take a step back and look at your marriage w/a new perspective.
Perhaps it may be a good idea to consider divorcing this person who is verbally abusing you (which IS also a form of DV.)

Finally I would try to invest less of my time w/my Mother if I were you.
I am not encouraging you to abandon her during this difficult period at all….
Just to spend less time w/her as her behaviors toward you are negatively impacting your quality of life.

Wishing you the best soon!

Anonymous wrote:I think someone gave you incorrect information about the division of assets and alimony.

+1

Not a lawyer, but somewhat familiar with Virginia laws on this


Virginia law allows the court to find a party is voluntarily unemployed or voluntarily underemployed, and to calculate spousal support based on a higher income than he or she is actually earning. It is very common for an unemployed spouse to get nothing when there are no minor children.

I think someone gave you incorrect information about the division of assets and alimony.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So get a new job and ditch the DH. Find mom a retirement home. What's in any of this for you?

Loser DH wants to take half of my money and I am facing poverty. I think I’ll call in sick and check myself into the hospital for a few days. But then I can’t drop off DS at college. IDK… mom refuses any help unless I provide it in person. Did I mention she’s like an insane person now - not just forgetful.

Suck it up until DS is dropped at college. You owe him that.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Could a bubble bath with a glass of wine help?

Alcohol never helps. Only hurts.

Agree.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm very sorry, OP. You need to prioritize yourself. I'm in a similar situation, and sometimes I feel the only reason I'm still alive is that my kids still need me.

I'm not quite sure what prioritizing oneself means, in the context of straightened funds, demands on one's time and an abusive spouse... but I listen to classical music, try to read good books and uplifting movies and spend time with my friends and children.

Is your mother on a waitlist for the appropriate government facility? She needs to be. You can't kill yourself trying to do everything, poor dear.

She can have in home care covered up to 24/7 but she refuses. Same for a home, she refuses and it would be sad for her.

PP you replied to. But she doesn't have a choice, OP. You will impose one of these choices for her, by trickery or persuasion. You can lie to her if need be. You need to attend to your own divorce (because you will do that too), and you cannot focus on your divorce and your aging mother at the same time.

Also check with a lawyer how long your ex can mooch off you if he's unemployed. I imagine it's not for ever, right?

12 years…

Really? Where do you live?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm very sorry, OP. You need to prioritize yourself. I'm in a similar situation, and sometimes I feel the only reason I'm still alive is that my kids still need me.

I'm not quite sure what prioritizing oneself means, in the context of straightened funds, demands on one's time and an abusive spouse... but I listen to classical music, try to read good books and uplifting movies and spend time with my friends and children.

Is your mother on a waitlist for the appropriate government facility? She needs to be. You can't kill yourself trying to do everything, poor dear.

She can have in home care covered up to 24/7 but she refuses. Same for a home, she refuses and it would be sad for her.

PP you replied to. But she doesn't have a choice, OP. You will impose one of these choices for her, by trickery or persuasion. You can lie to her if need be. You need to attend to your own divorce (because you will do that too), and you cannot focus on your divorce and your aging mother at the same time.

Also check with a lawyer how long your ex can mooch off you if he's unemployed. I imagine it's not for ever, right?

12 years…

Op! I am so sorry. I know how this feels.

1. Get kid to college before you break down. Do this. You launched him. Well done. Don’t fall at the final hurdle. You can do this.
2. After that go hide in a hotel and turn off phone. Hospital is serious sh*t. They won’t let you sleep. Ask dr for some Xanax and meditate and run and be alone. Then
3. Find a home for mom. You have to do this. Current situation not good for you or her.
4. Spouse with launched kid does not get half anywhere unless also working. Talk to a lawyer.

You sound defeated. I get it. But you are down but not out. You can do this op - I promise it’s worth it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm very sorry, OP. You need to prioritize yourself. I'm in a similar situation, and sometimes I feel the only reason I'm still alive is that my kids still need me.

I'm not quite sure what prioritizing oneself means, in the context of straightened funds, demands on one's time and an abusive spouse... but I listen to classical music, try to read good books and uplifting movies and spend time with my friends and children.

Is your mother on a waitlist for the appropriate government facility? She needs to be. You can't kill yourself trying to do everything, poor dear.

She can have in home care covered up to 24/7 but she refuses. Same for a home, she refuses and it would be sad for her.

PP you replied to. But she doesn't have a choice, OP. You will impose one of these choices for her, by trickery or persuasion. You can lie to her if need be. You need to attend to your own divorce (because you will do that too), and you cannot focus on your divorce and your aging mother at the same time.

Also check with a lawyer how long your ex can mooch off you if he's unemployed. I imagine it's not for ever, right?

Anonymous wrote:Could a bubble bath with a glass of wine help?

Alcohol never helps. Only hurts.

OP, you seem to be under the impression that everyone else gets to tell you what to do.