Anonymous
Post 08/22/2024 16:02     Subject: Blended Family Expenses
Anonymous wrote:Blended/Married for 8 years with two biological elementary aged kids and a 22yo step-child in college. Have separate finances with agreed expenses paid by both spouses. Spouse is determined to cover step-child expenses in college (car payments, insurance, housing, and part
of tuition expenses), but can’t really afford to do so anymore and is constantly asking me to pay some of their fair share of bills. Basically, we’re both struggling financially just to float college expenses. Step-child works once a week or sometimes once in two weeks to cover their own utilities/groceries. When I mentioned that being in classes three times a week, leaves another three days to work a part-time job…..is met with resentment/silence by spouse. I am at a point where I am doing everything on my own and covering our bio kids expenses without any financial contribution from my spouse. There are other issues in marriage on top of this one such as baseless infidelity accusations, emotional abuse, and etc. I am thinking of separating from my spouse, because of all of these issues….Will going to a marriage counselor help alleviate some of the issues or should I just say “f-it” and file? I am willing to try marriage therapy though.


Your stepchild needs to reduce their expenses. They don't need a car and car insurance, they want a car. There is no reason they have a car with a payment. Spouse should get a second job and where is the other parent? Did they work summers? Where is that money?

If you have those issues, leave... its never going to get better.
Anonymous
Post 08/22/2024 16:00     Subject: Blended Family Expenses
OP, you have been in your step-daughters life since she was like 14. Did you contribute to household expenses for the years before you had your own child? Or did DH cover everything entirely? Do you feel no affinity towards her as a step child?

You also don't say what his agreed upon expenses are, are these much higher than yours? Are they 50/50? Proportional to salary? Or is he expected to cover most everything and you just buy fun baby clothes and whatever you want on amazon?
Anonymous
Post 08/22/2024 15:55     Subject: Blended Family Expenses
Anonymous wrote:Demanding 50/50 split for bio kids or household expenses is crazy when you are married. That's something divorced couples do.

In marriage there is give and take, and that includes providing expenses for college aged daughter, even if she isn't your biological daughter. You've been in her life for at least 8 years. However, you both need a firm line with the amount you are paying for college. Expense money (all of it) should come out of a combined pot, even when one spouse adds more to the pot than the other.

I say this as a wife who at times has contributed more and less than my husband. We are a combined unit.

This is a kind and logical way to approach this situation. OP seems to be a bean-counter.

Anonymous
Post 08/22/2024 15:53     Subject: Re:Blended Family Expenses
Correct; however, the discussion of giving money to a 22-year-old comes after he's covered his share of his living expenses and his minor children's expenses. After he and OP have met those expenses, they can discuss how they each want to prioritize the excess.


Any legally binding obligations to the older child take precedence over wife #2 and their children. Those obligations pre-exist marriage #2 and OP doesn't get to declare that those obligations are invalid because her H married again.
Anonymous
Post 08/22/2024 15:46     Subject: Blended Family Expenses
Demanding 50/50 split for bio kids or household expenses is crazy when you are married. That's something divorced couples do.

In marriage there is give and take, and that includes providing expenses for college aged daughter, even if she isn't your biological daughter. You've been in her life for at least 8 years. However, you both need a firm line with the amount you are paying for college. Expense money (all of it) should come out of a combined pot, even when one spouse adds more to the pot than the other.

I say this as a wife who at times has contributed more and less than my husband. We are a combined unit.
Anonymous
Post 08/22/2024 15:41     Subject: Blended Family Expenses
Anonymous wrote:Blended/Married for 8 years with two biological elementary aged kids and a 22yo step-child in college. Have separate finances with agreed expenses paid by both spouses. Spouse is determined to cover step-child expenses in college (car payments, insurance, housing, and part
of tuition expenses), but can’t really afford to do so anymore and is constantly asking me to pay some of their fair share of bills. Basically, we’re both struggling financially just to float college expenses. Step-child works once a week or sometimes once in two weeks to cover their own utilities/groceries. When I mentioned that being in classes three times a week, leaves another three days to work a part-time job…..is met with resentment/silence by spouse. I am at a point where I am doing everything on my own and covering our bio kids expenses without any financial contribution from my spouse. There are other issues in marriage on top of this one such as baseless infidelity accusations, emotional abuse, and etc. I am thinking of separating from my spouse, because of all of these issues….Will going to a marriage counselor help alleviate some of the issues or should I just say “f-it” and file? I am willing to try marriage therapy though.


It sounds like your spouse is planning on divorcing you. Baseless infidelity accusations and no longer supporting your marriage and minor children are huge red flags. I'd see a lawyer ASAP, keep it to yourself, and go ahead and try to counseling while you get your ducks in a row. And stop bleeding money in the interim.
Anonymous
Post 08/22/2024 15:37     Subject: Re:Blended Family Expenses
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I would absolutely refuse to give money to this adult stepchild who is not even trying to help themselves, and would get my ducks in a row to file for divorce.


I don't know how you get that from this post. If the adult child is a full time student, that workload seems okay.


The "kid" goes to college three days a week and works ONE shift each week or every other week. Or did I misunderstand the OP?


Most college classes don't meet every day, a MWF schedule is not unusual. College students are supposed to spend time studying and writing papers. And OP didn't say how long the work shift is.
Anonymous
Post 08/22/2024 15:35     Subject: Re:Blended Family Expenses
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I would absolutely refuse to give money to this adult stepchild who is not even trying to help themselves, and would get my ducks in a row to file for divorce.


I don't know how you get that from this post. If the adult child is a full time student, that workload seems okay.


The "kid" goes to college three days a week and works ONE shift each week or every other week. Or did I misunderstand the OP?
Anonymous
Post 08/22/2024 15:22     Subject: Re:Blended Family Expenses
Anonymous wrote:
No judge will order him to give his 22-year-old daughter money to cover her cell phone or car expenses.


Is there a settlement or divorce agreement in the first marriage? Or did he live in a state--about half--in which a divorced parent can be required to pay some part of college expenses? Is OP sure he met his full child support obligations to his older child in the past?

A judge is unlikely to order him to pay his D's phone or car expenses, but might find he is responsible for more of her tuition than he has paid. And, if there is a divorce agreement of judgment specifying that he'll pay certain expenses until she finishes college, it will be enforced.

IOW, without more info, OP shouldn't assume he has no longer has any obligations to his older child.



Good point. What does his divorce agreement say? Is he required to pay part of tuition and "car payments, insurance, housing ...")? Also, what are your actual financials OP? Specifically, what are you giving up for him to support his adult child for two more years? Does he have any separate property from before the marriage that he can draw against to cover the expenses for his adult child? Can you reduce your family's expenses so he can afford his "fair share." Maybe it means downsizing. If he leases a car, could he get out of it and drive an older one? Could you cut cable? Cut back on travel? I think it's important to develop a budget and enforce it. If the money he is giving his 22-year-old is beyond what the divorce decree requires, consider the possibility that this may continue for a long time. Some people are more comfortable than others with supporting adult children in their twenties and beyond, so it's not necessarily an issue that will go away in two years. Also, why does the 22-year-old need two more years of support? Many families give their children 4 years to complete a degree and then cut off funding.
Anonymous
Post 08/22/2024 15:14     Subject: Re:Blended Family Expenses
Anonymous wrote:I would absolutely refuse to give money to this adult stepchild who is not even trying to help themselves, and would get my ducks in a row to file for divorce.


I don't know how you get that from this post. If the adult child is a full time student, that workload seems okay.
Anonymous
Post 08/22/2024 15:13     Subject: Re:Blended Family Expenses
I would absolutely refuse to give money to this adult stepchild who is not even trying to help themselves, and would get my ducks in a row to file for divorce.
Anonymous
Post 08/22/2024 15:12     Subject: Blended Family Expenses
OP should think very hard about how she wants to treat her bio children as young adults. Because if they end up getting more when they are that age, that will damage the family relationships. It's very common for second wives to make this mistake. Naivete about what it's like to be the parent of a young adult, plus just selfishness.

OP sounds like your DH has chosen to have more children than he can afford. If he cuts off his 22yo, be prepared to treat your kids the same. If you don't like that idea then you need to reduce your expenses now.
Anonymous
Post 08/22/2024 15:06     Subject: Blended Family Expenses
Anonymous wrote:Is the stepchild carrying a full courseload? Obviously they are supposed to be studying and writing papers in addition to in-class time. If they are a part-time student that's different.

It's all too common for second wives to not understand what expenses are age-appropriate for older teens and young adults. Housing etc really is horribly expensive. Be sure your perceptions are accurate. It's not realistic to expect the child to earn enough for living expenses while also carrying a full courseload, especially if they are in an expensive area.


Correct; however, the discussion of giving money to a 22-year-old comes after he's covered his share of his living expenses and his minor children's expenses. After he and OP have met those expenses, they can discuss how they each want to prioritize the excess. For example, let's assume they each make $60k after taxes. Their families' living expenses and minor, dependent child expenses total $100k. They each contribute $50k. With the remaining $20k, he can give his adult daughter $10k adult daughter, and OP can funder her 401k or the younger kids' 529 plans with her $10k or perhaps send money to aging parents who are struggling to get by, whatever. In traditional marriages, this kind of bean counting would be unnecessarily exhausting, but in blended families, you may have to create a structure that is deemed fair by both or the resentment from the spouse who feels wronged will destroy the marriage.
Anonymous
Post 08/22/2024 15:02     Subject: Re:Blended Family Expenses
No judge will order him to give his 22-year-old daughter money to cover her cell phone or car expenses.


Is there a settlement or divorce agreement in the first marriage? Or did he live in a state--about half--in which a divorced parent can be required to pay some part of college expenses? Is OP sure he met his full child support obligations to his older child in the past?

A judge is unlikely to order him to pay his D's phone or car expenses, but might find he is responsible for more of her tuition than he has paid. And, if there is a divorce agreement of judgment specifying that he'll pay certain expenses until she finishes college, it will be enforced.

IOW, without more info, OP shouldn't assume he has no longer has any obligations to his older child.

Anonymous
Post 08/22/2024 14:39     Subject: Blended Family Expenses
You need to have a hard talk.

If I am understanding this right, you are married to someone with a child in college.

You have two children WITH this person.

You can not afford to contribute to the step child's college. Which is fair.

This likely means that in however-many years you can not afford to contribute to your two children's colleges either. Because that would be twice as much money.

Why can't your spouse afford to pay anymore? Is it because you have kids now? If so, that's a bad reason. All three are HIS kids. It's fair to say you shouldn't be contributing to your step child's education, but your spouse absolutely should. At least if you expect him to pay for your two kids' education too.