Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just immediately disengage and walk away. My face falls; I stop eye contact. The kid either finds me to apologize or when he's calmer I ask him why he thinks I walked away and he says he's sorry. But this doesn't a happen a lot. Maybe once or twice a year,

I would try modeling a better response so that your kid doesn’t end up in a future relationship with unhealthy communication.

There is no better response when someone is abusing you. You get away from them! This is what I want to model.

Yeah but a kid is not an abuser. The logic does not work. Anyway, good luck.

The kid is not an abuser, but their actions are abusive. They need to learn abusive actions are not ok. And there are lots of ways to react to that.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just immediately disengage and walk away. My face falls; I stop eye contact. The kid either finds me to apologize or when he's calmer I ask him why he thinks I walked away and he says he's sorry. But this doesn't a happen a lot. Maybe once or twice a year,

I would try modeling a better response so that your kid doesn’t end up in a future relationship with unhealthy communication.

There is no better response when someone is abusing you. You get away from them! This is what I want to model.

Yeah but a kid is not an abuser. The logic does not work. Anyway, good luck.

NP here - this all works up to a certain point. For one daughter this lecturing/ walk away approach works but the other one is highly sensitive and and both of those steps escalate it higher to a full on panic attack if I don’t stand there and take it. It is like she has no off switch and I can’t do anything to stop it. Talking doesn’t help. Stepping away freaks her out. Tried distracting, incentivizing, just listening - no. We do have an appt with a. Therapist to discuss.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just immediately disengage and walk away. My face falls; I stop eye contact. The kid either finds me to apologize or when he's calmer I ask him why he thinks I walked away and he says he's sorry. But this doesn't a happen a lot. Maybe once or twice a year,

I would try modeling a better response so that your kid doesn’t end up in a future relationship with unhealthy communication.

There is no better response when someone is abusing you. You get away from them! This is what I want to model.

OP I think your response is pretty good. Do you find that it’s not working?

Anonymous wrote:I just immediately disengage and walk away. My face falls; I stop eye contact. The kid either finds me to apologize or when he's calmer I ask him why he thinks I walked away and he says he's sorry. But this doesn't a happen a lot. Maybe once or twice a year,

I would try modeling a better response so that your kid doesn’t end up in a future relationship with unhealthy communication.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Usually when my kid is saying those things she is too hyped up to be reasoned with. I disengage then revisit when she is calm and talk about other ways she can express her feelings.

Does this stop their raised voice yelling loudly reaction in the future?

NP but for my kid yes. Attention is their currency, even negative attention. Remaining calm and refusing to engage is not what they are hoping to achieve with yelling. Also my kids are extremely loving and when they have calmed down they usually feel very bad about their behavior.

Anonymous wrote:Usually when my kid is saying those things she is too hyped up to be reasoned with. I disengage then revisit when she is calm and talk about other ways she can express her feelings.

Does this stop their raised voice yelling loudly reaction in the future?

I say “nope” and walk away. If the kid doesn’’t come back and address it later, I do.

The 123 magic and similar approaches work because they are concise, remove the emotion and give a script.
The "I know you are upset about X,etc" don't work because it is too much talking. Kids are in the heat of the moment. Can't process their emotions and the words incoming during that upset.
Too much talking.

Doesn't yell at me, but I don't care for loud voice as there's not need for it and we live in apartment.
I'm going after their phone. That's what usually got the to be too loud. Then I'll make a case for going outside.

We have a code word “pickles”

Nobody can speak for 20 minutes.

We come together to discuss things without emotion after 20 minutes.

Yes, my kids apologize without prompting. They know I expect an explanation and not just “I’m sorry”.

Your response is good! I’d also add immediately that yelling is unacceptable and will not be tolerated. Tell child they have a choice- if they yell they lose respect and privileges. If they choose a better way to vent, they keep respect and privileges. Make a list of ideas with them of approved ways to vent. Have them choose one, and hold them accountable. Ask how you can support their good choice.

I tell them that their voice is very loud, and ask them to repeat what they said in a low voice and calmly.