Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:… When he does travel, he tacks on days, goes earlier than planned. My friend says she isn’t sure where he is sometimes.

Does this sound like a big red flag?

Maybe. I’m a DH who travels a lot but it’s all pretty necessary and I should be traveling even more than I am to do the best at my job. I love travel but don’t want more of it so keep the travel time to a minimum - the OP’s guy does the opposite, so small red flag #1. I also try to keep DW informed and copied on itinerary - so there’s small red flag #2. If there’s any hint of an affair that would be #3 and together that’s a big red flag. One factor left out is whether he’s always going to the same place? For me it’s lots of different places, so carrying on an affair would be difficult.

It sounds like different places or unknown places. He is either a spy with a phony economist job or he is really shady.

When he is home, the wife is like on lockdown. He wants to spend time with the kids but can’t be alone with the kid(s) either.

Big red flag? It’s more than a “red flag.” But may or may not be cheating.

I would be suspicious of cheating with those facts. One time in our marriage, I was annoyed at DH's absences, so I asked for a parenting schedule - basically, a division of parenting responsibilities as it would be in a divorce. So, on his days, he's the default parent and can't plan anything that would conflict without asking me first, and the same was true for me on my days. I think it made my point that I was on edge about our marriage, and it gave me a couple of moments to exercise or see a friend after work that I hadn't had in years.

Anonymous wrote:… When he does travel, he tacks on days, goes earlier than planned. My friend says she isn’t sure where he is sometimes.

Does this sound like a big red flag?

Maybe. I’m a DH who travels a lot but it’s all pretty necessary and I should be traveling even more than I am to do the best at my job. I love travel but don’t want more of it so keep the travel time to a minimum - the OP’s guy does the opposite, so small red flag #1. I also try to keep DW informed and copied on itinerary - so there’s small red flag #2. If there’s any hint of an affair that would be #3 and together that’s a big red flag. One factor left out is whether he’s always going to the same place? For me it’s lots of different places, so carrying on an affair would be difficult.

Anonymous wrote:I know someone who had a whole other family. It was like something out of a bad movie. If I were her I would hire a private investigator if she can pay them without him figuring out. Absent that I’d try to figure out what was going on so as to get a jump start on dealing with him sheltering money, etc.

I actually thought this guy is living a double life because he is home more than half the time.

I don’t want to say his work because it seems like a niche industry. Let’s say he is an economist and can work from home some days and has in person meetings that he can also just join virtually. It sounds like he has some conferences he may be part of but then he is gone more and more frequently. When I first met the wife, she seemed proud of her Dh and his meetings. Now it seems she doesn’t know where he is most days and he leaves earlier than expected and extends his trips frequently. And it isn’t just for a day. It can be for 3-4 days or even a week.

Anonymous wrote:lol. Sounds like he is cheating. Even if he is getting regular sex at home, he can still cheat. That is not the indicator that some people seem to think it is.

100% mine would even have sex in the morning with me and go to her house and bang her later that day

Some people who work for the government do that to maximize airline and hotel points.

My DH will travel for any meeting, even if his presence is only vaguely required. He does it because he has anxiety, ADHD and HFA and sucks at confidence and interpreting gray areas. So he manages it by being very present at work all the time. He’s also less awkward and aggressive-sounding in-person than via zoom or on the phone, and I think he’s received subtle feedback about that which he has fortunately internalized.

Also he doesn’t like the dull repetition of daily home life (the ADHD comes out strong here) so any excuse to be on the road in a new hotel and new city is very appealing.

lol. Sounds like he is cheating. Even if he is getting regular sex at home, he can still cheat. That is not the indicator that some people seem to think it is.

Obviously he is a spy.