Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I come from a culture where few people get married. Nobody cares about that party and paperwork. People live together, try to form a family, and then get out if it doesn't work.
I have done both. Getting out second time without having to file for divorce saved my life, sanity.
I just met a gentleman age 37 who has a 2-year old with ex girlfriend. Seems like it was an accident more than planned. Asked him about wanting more and he said 'no' showing a big box of condoms on the shelf. Why would he make his life more complicated by marrying her when even that child wasn't planned. Ofcourse he supports her, but rarely sees as she moved away. He'd be damaged good for Op.

The US tax code heavily favored married households. I never realized until after my divorce now that I am filing single. You can do plenty of gymnastics with your account that "single" status is punishing. I don't think either party is interesting in changing it.

You mean it heavily favors a married household with breadwinner (which historically meant a higher earning man with part time or SAHM). That was the gold standard for the men drafting tax rates back in the day. The tax code absolutely does not benefit dual income households with 2 earners making similar-ish incomes.

I know a guy from HS who got his girlfriend pregnant at 19. I don’t see this as a moral failing so much as being the statistical outlier regarding pregnancy prevention. Or maybe they were sloppy about birth control. I have no idea, but I don’t think a decision made at 19 is reflective of who someone is 20 years later.

He and the gf broke up, but he went to college close by to help raise the kid who is now grown. He’s gone on to marry although they don’t have kids (late 30s now so maybe they aren’t planning on any, I have no idea). But he’s a good guy and I think it’s short sighted to write off unwed parents as a whole without even getting to know them. Plenty of divorced guys with kids from planned pregnancies are jerks. Life doesn’t go according to some script.

You are not even being reasonable in your use of the term “wedlock.”

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Such a racist troll post

Nobody said Black guys are trash because they will never marry you. You just imagined that

Even black guys would be innacurate because Africans are considered Black and they have a higher marriage rate than White folks and will marry any woman they get pregnant ASAP. Maybe Black men born in America.

OP here. I’ve run across a couple of men in this situation that I passed on dating. Both times they were guys who had dated the woman for multiple years. One guy had two children with the mother. To me it says they don’t value marriage, and are more likely to waste my time.

Anonymous wrote:I come from a culture where few people get married. Nobody cares about that party and paperwork. People live together, try to form a family, and then get out if it doesn't work.
I have done both. Getting out second time without having to file for divorce saved my life, sanity.
I just met a gentleman age 37 who has a 2-year old with ex girlfriend. Seems like it was an accident more than planned. Asked him about wanting more and he said 'no' showing a big box of condoms on the shelf. Why would he make his life more complicated by marrying her when even that child wasn't planned. Ofcourse he supports her, but rarely sees as she moved away. He'd be damaged good for Op.

The US tax code heavily favored married households. I never realized until after my divorce now that I am filing single. You can do plenty of gymnastics with your account that "single" status is punishing. I don't think either party is interesting in changing it.

Anonymous wrote:I agree with you OP. There’s no good reason for a responsible mature adult to have a child with someone they never married unless they are European and long term partners. Your values will not be a match.

My European DH had a ltr, but I would not have married him if he had a child in a ltr, though I'm not even sure I would've married him if he had been divorced with a kid. I get that sometimes birth controls can fail, but as an adult, you must know that it could happen. So, you're consciously making a choice to accept that you could get someone pregnant.

I guess I'm a bit more traditional in that way. I was 30 when we started dating; he was 36. I guess if I was 40, I'd feel differently since the dating pool shrinks.

There's just too much baggage around all of that.

Anonymous wrote:I date men ages 38-48 for marriage. Some are divorced with kids which is not issue for me, but I don’t date men who’ve had kids out of wedlock. My friend says I’m being judgmental and could miss out on a good guy with this rule. To me I consider it a red flag to have a kid and not be married. Am I being reasonable?

If he’s fully present in his kids’ lives and supporting them decently I wouldn’t automatically cross him off the list. Some Nick Cannon type would be a non-starter.

Anonymous wrote:Such a racist troll post

Nobody said Black guys are trash because they will never marry you. You just imagined that

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s your standard. That’s your right.

This.

Yup and I would feel the same.

Yes you are too judgmental, and the way the legal system works now, a man is smart to have children outside of marriage and dumb to have them in a marriage.

I come from a culture where few people get married. Nobody cares about that party and paperwork. People live together, try to form a family, and then get out if it doesn't work.
I have done both. Getting out second time without having to file for divorce saved my life, sanity.
I just met a gentleman age 37 who has a 2-year old with ex girlfriend. Seems like it was an accident more than planned. Asked him about wanting more and he said 'no' showing a big box of condoms on the shelf. Why would he make his life more complicated by marrying her when even that child wasn't planned. Ofcourse he supports her, but rarely sees as she moved away. He'd be damaged good for Op.

Such a racist troll post

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think you can be so picky.

Also an accidental pregnancy doesn’t mean the guy is a bad guy.

It means he makes bad choices. So while not a "bad guy", why be with someone who makes bad choices. Pregnancy is easy to avoid if you don't want it - for men and women.

Anonymous wrote:I agree with you OP. There’s no good reason for a responsible mature adult to have a child with someone they never married unless they are European and long term partners. Your values will not be a match.

+1

And to add any man who reaches 40 never married and no kids IS a very red flag. Run fast! The best available men in this range are divorced or widowed.