What is a “processing disorder”? If you aren’t the dad you need to step back and let his dad handle it. (She’s his mother not “bio mom.”)

OP here. I think our teen is taking it in stride as we await the full results.

It's bio mom who continues to ignore emails from the doctor, disregard the diagnosis, not advocate for him at the tutoring center etc. She even stated she was struggling with it and acused us of manipulating the doctor to get the results we were looking for. We told her she is welcomed and encouraged to get a second opinion. This is technically the 2nd set of testing the child has done. One was educational only, the other psychoeducational. Both tests indicate major issues with processing and inability to complete timed assessments.

I just can't imagine living in denial and denying your child help. This has been many years in the making due to her denial. It started heavily in middle school (covid) and she blew off our concerns that he was below average on state testing and blamed it on covid. In 9th grade we really became involved with grades when it was clear he was struggling, she did nothing, we found drop in tutors. 10th grade we put an action plan together but she refused to follow it and we had to make concessions, spent 10k for tutoring on a program that isn't geared to address underlying issues and refused the psychoeducational testing we advocated for to the school. She has 50% of the time so progress is slow when it's only occuring in one household. Now that the child is old enough to have self awareness we've been able to make more progress. He's almost finished the expensive tutoring program, and he's made small improvements- but again it's not designed to work for students with processing disorders that need a different type of help, so we weren't expecting much.

Next steps are to engage with the Dr. who completed the assessment and follow his recommendations. We're going to encourage the child to live with us full time if she doesn't agree to the full plan the doctor suggests. He's a junior and has very little time left before college to get set up with what he needs.

She is honestly more concerned about her new family and doing things with her other child and is so inconvenienced by getting her older child help. It's nauseating.

Even if there is a 504, he doesn’t have to go along with it. If he doesn’t want to take a test in a different location or need more time on a test, they will accept his choices at school.

I have two teens and this is a tough age, with or without a disability. One of mine had a 504 plan and one of mine did not. I can only share my experience but you need their buy in. Forcing accommodations won’t be helpful if he doesn’t want them, just like forcing therapy isn’t helpful if he doesn’t want to be there. I tried too.

I said had a 504 because we switched my kid to private school eventually and didn’t even tell them about it at his insistence. Of course he still has ADHD but is not receiving any accommodations anymore, his choice. Yes, we needed the major accommodation of switching schools and not everyone can do that.

What accommodations are you seeking from the school? How does his adhd impact his education/grades/behavior at school?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He might be able to avoid the plan with meds and therapy.

This is good incentive, thank you.

He is 16/ junior and because we are a split household and the other household thinks we're making things up and trying to label him that gets impressed upon him. Lots of stigma at the other household. He was against therapy, we made him do it anyways and it is not helping because he denies he has any issues and doesn't talk about anything. We're hoping to get him a new therapist soon that is a better fit and will challenge his answers and ask more investigative questions of him.

When the neuropsych evaluator gave initial feedback and recommended a 504, he was like no, I don't want that and I don't think it's necessary. We spent 10k on tutoring to have marginal improvement and when that ends this fall we know there will be a slip in performance and we are anticipating 2nd quarter being abysmal. Obviously that investment is not worth it given the new diagnosis and we're looking at different avenues there as well.

How much time does your teen spend in the other household? My ex also undermined our child's diagnoses because my ex wasn't the full time parent so didn't see the same manifestation of symptoms that I did. We reached a point where child moved in with ex because the dynamic was becoming absolutely untenable - and now my ex is on board with interventions because it's obvious that our child struggles now that they live together full time. It was a really hard decision to make, but the benefit has been enormous.

Also - my child refuses 504 accommodations too. We're working in family therapy to try and convince them to use the accommodations when it makes sense to do so. It's hard. You have my empathy.

Anonymous wrote:Op, maybe you should just put the burden on the parent in denial. Let the school call him, let him deal with report cards and teacher emails. You've done all you can do.

DP

They’ll ignore it and never respond. Likely did that when married too.

Op, maybe you should just put the burden on the parent in denial. Let the school call him, let him deal with report cards and teacher emails. You've done all you can do.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He might be able to avoid the plan with meds and therapy.

This is good incentive, thank you.

He is 16/ junior and because we are a split household and the other household thinks we're making things up and trying to label him that gets impressed upon him. Lots of stigma at the other household. He was against therapy, we made him do it anyways and it is not helping because he denies he has any issues and doesn't talk about anything. We're hoping to get him a new therapist soon that is a better fit and will challenge his answers and ask more investigative questions of him.

When the neuropsych evaluator gave initial feedback and recommended a 504, he was like no, I don't want that and I don't think it's necessary. We spent 10k on tutoring to have marginal improvement and when that ends this fall we know there will be a slip in performance and we are anticipating 2nd quarter being abysmal. Obviously that investment is not worth it given the new diagnosis and we're looking at different avenues there as well.

Well, anyone would be anxious and stressed in that situation. And it's normal to struggle when a kid's time and logistical and emotional bandwidth is taken up with living across two very different houses. I think you need to really face up to the impact of divorce/remarriage/etc. and not pathologize your kid for having a hard time with it.

I don't think this poster is pathologizing their kid! Things like anxiety are common, and if you have it, it makes difficult things more difficult.

I feel for you, OP, and I hope you get some sound advice here.

Also common is the dysfunctional and in denial parent has the same Dx’s.

This is an uphill battle once they both dig in. Yet they will, despite the bad grades and other chronic symptoms. They’d rather both blame Mom than get better.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He might be able to avoid the plan with meds and therapy.

This is good incentive, thank you.

He is 16/ junior and because we are a split household and the other household thinks we're making things up and trying to label him that gets impressed upon him. Lots of stigma at the other household. He was against therapy, we made him do it anyways and it is not helping because he denies he has any issues and doesn't talk about anything. We're hoping to get him a new therapist soon that is a better fit and will challenge his answers and ask more investigative questions of him.

When the neuropsych evaluator gave initial feedback and recommended a 504, he was like no, I don't want that and I don't think it's necessary. We spent 10k on tutoring to have marginal improvement and when that ends this fall we know there will be a slip in performance and we are anticipating 2nd quarter being abysmal. Obviously that investment is not worth it given the new diagnosis and we're looking at different avenues there as well.

I’m sorry.
This is very tough when the other coparent is undermining the Dx, treatment and accommodations.
I’m not sure what can be done over the next 2-3 years. Don’t beat yourself up about this, you may have to detach.

Anonymous wrote:I would think that the kid's anxiety, maybe immaturity that comes with ADHD, and the difficulties academically from ADHD and the processing disorder, plus the burden on coping and executive functioning created by the divorce/remarriage and two-household lifestyle, are all adding up to a really difficult situation. And I would think the kid probably feels ill-used by all of this, like these problems have been dumped on them, and like they are being blamed and accused of various deficiencies, when really the problem is the situation created by the adults. And therefore the kid is very upset, angry, and resentful, and is rebelling against the therapy and the 504 to express this.

This sounds wise to me.

I don't see why the kid has to be too in touch with their 504 accommodations, though maybe I'm missing something. But I think it would work better if you meet with the school without your kid and they implement whatever's needed (extra time, pullout, etc.) If the kid fights them and you have to get involved, so be it, but kids are often more accepting of the school than of their parents, and the people at school have seen resistance before, whereas you might not have done.

Therapy isn't for everyone, and it's not for everyone at all times. Hopefully, the kid can get some support at school and less conflict with you if you pawn it onto the school, and things will cool down a bit.

16 can be a crummy age, and summer can be a rough time out of the routine, even as we all say we like it. Hoping things smooth out a bit soon.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He might be able to avoid the plan with meds and therapy.

This is good incentive, thank you.

He is 16/ junior and because we are a split household and the other household thinks we're making things up and trying to label him that gets impressed upon him. Lots of stigma at the other household. He was against therapy, we made him do it anyways and it is not helping because he denies he has any issues and doesn't talk about anything. We're hoping to get him a new therapist soon that is a better fit and will challenge his answers and ask more investigative questions of him.

When the neuropsych evaluator gave initial feedback and recommended a 504, he was like no, I don't want that and I don't think it's necessary. We spent 10k on tutoring to have marginal improvement and when that ends this fall we know there will be a slip in performance and we are anticipating 2nd quarter being abysmal. Obviously that investment is not worth it given the new diagnosis and we're looking at different avenues there as well.

Well, anyone would be anxious and stressed in that situation. And it's normal to struggle when a kid's time and logistical and emotional bandwidth is taken up with living across two very different houses. I think you need to really face up to the impact of divorce/remarriage/etc. and not pathologize your kid for having a hard time with it.

I don't think this poster is pathologizing their kid! Things like anxiety are common, and if you have it, it makes difficult things more difficult.

I feel for you, OP, and I hope you get some sound advice here.

I would think that the kid's anxiety, maybe immaturity that comes with ADHD, and the difficulties academically from ADHD and the processing disorder, plus the burden on coping and executive functioning created by the divorce/remarriage and two-household lifestyle, are all adding up to a really difficult situation. And I would think the kid probably feels ill-used by all of this, like these problems have been dumped on them, and like they are being blamed and accused of various deficiencies, when really the problem is the situation created by the adults. And therefore the kid is very upset, angry, and resentful, and is rebelling against the therapy and the 504 to express this.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's only going to participate in therapy if he feels he can truly say what's on his mind. Are you ready to accept that, knowing it may be very negative things about you, divorce, and your overall family situation? If not, there's really no point. I was this kid and definitely felt like the adults were trying to "fix" me or therapy-ize me into accepting their bad behavior and bad treatment of me. Total failure.

There’s even a concept for that: “designated patient.”

Yup. There's a lot going on here not internal to the teen.

OP, how did it happen that all of this went undiagnosed until 16? Are you the stepmom?

Anonymous wrote:He's only going to participate in therapy if he feels he can truly say what's on his mind. Are you ready to accept that, knowing it may be very negative things about you, divorce, and your overall family situation? If not, there's really no point. I was this kid and definitely felt like the adults were trying to "fix" me or therapy-ize me into accepting their bad behavior and bad treatment of me. Total failure.

There’s even a concept for that: “designated patient.”