Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I grew up in a family of conditional love so I would like to think that I am pretty careful about this and I do tell him repeatedly that I love him no matter what and I just want to see him try his best etc. Of course I do lose it sometimes and I can be bombastic when I talk and he is a very sensitive soul, so it's possible something is still getting lost in translation.

It is also possible he is manipulating me, consciously or not because the things he loses it over are just seemingly so trivial (ex he gets angry over me giving him the wrong type of bread and then instead of asking me for something to be done, he just sits there and whines and hits himself).

All your responses have been very helpful and mirror my own internal struggles of trying to interpret his behavior and how I should respond. I will try better to keep it calm in tone and substance and see how it goes for a bit, without necessarily softening my expectations. If that doesn't help and he hasn't gotten over this phase, might need to look at counseling.

OP people are trying to tell you: you already know you have a problem and it warrants counseling. Don’t wait.

And what exactly is my problem? That I am not a perfect parent and sometimes yell when I lose it? Sorry we are not all perfect and we all come with our histories and insecurities and blemishes. That is just part of the human experience and is normal.

your kid is self injuring and your response is punitive? You are in a dysfunctional cycle that is super treatable?

The child is so wrought that bread is a trigger. It's the tip of angst iceberg coming from something you may not be conscious of.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I grew up in a family of conditional love so I would like to think that I am pretty careful about this and I do tell him repeatedly that I love him no matter what and I just want to see him try his best etc. Of course I do lose it sometimes and I can be bombastic when I talk and he is a very sensitive soul, so it's possible something is still getting lost in translation.

It is also possible he is manipulating me, consciously or not because the things he loses it over are just seemingly so trivial (ex he gets angry over me giving him the wrong type of bread and then instead of asking me for something to be done, he just sits there and whines and hits himself).

All your responses have been very helpful and mirror my own internal struggles of trying to interpret his behavior and how I should respond. I will try better to keep it calm in tone and substance and see how it goes for a bit, without necessarily softening my expectations. If that doesn't help and he hasn't gotten over this phase, might need to look at counseling.

OP people are trying to tell you: you already know you have a problem and it warrants counseling. Don’t wait.

And what exactly is my problem? That I am not a perfect parent and sometimes yell when I lose it? Sorry we are not all perfect and we all come with our histories and insecurities and blemishes. That is just part of the human experience and is normal.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I grew up in a family of conditional love so I would like to think that I am pretty careful about this and I do tell him repeatedly that I love him no matter what and I just want to see him try his best etc. Of course I do lose it sometimes and I can be bombastic when I talk and he is a very sensitive soul, so it's possible something is still getting lost in translation.

It is also possible he is manipulating me, consciously or not because the things he loses it over are just seemingly so trivial (ex he gets angry over me giving him the wrong type of bread and then instead of asking me for something to be done, he just sits there and whines and hits himself).

All your responses have been very helpful and mirror my own internal struggles of trying to interpret his behavior and how I should respond. I will try better to keep it calm in tone and substance and see how it goes for a bit, without necessarily softening my expectations. If that doesn't help and he hasn't gotten over this phase, might need to look at counseling.

OP people are trying to tell you: you already know you have a problem and it warrants counseling. Don’t wait.

OP here. I grew up in a family of conditional love so I would like to think that I am pretty careful about this and I do tell him repeatedly that I love him no matter what and I just want to see him try his best etc. Of course I do lose it sometimes and I can be bombastic when I talk and he is a very sensitive soul, so it's possible something is still getting lost in translation.

It is also possible he is manipulating me, consciously or not because the things he loses it over are just seemingly so trivial (ex he gets angry over me giving him the wrong type of bread and then instead of asking me for something to be done, he just sits there and whines and hits himself).

All your responses have been very helpful and mirror my own internal struggles of trying to interpret his behavior and how I should respond. I will try better to keep it calm in tone and substance and see how it goes for a bit, without necessarily softening my expectations. If that doesn't help and he hasn't gotten over this phase, might need to look at counseling.

Ok. You sound like parent of the year.

Anonymous wrote:Hitter #1 here.
What you describe IS unconditional love. The act was wrong, you are not wrong.
It may take help for parent to react that way.

Except you become wrong when you keep acting wrong. You are what you do. If you keep breaking other children’s toys, you are a jerk as a matter of fact, no matter how much you cry or call yourself bad or hit yourself. This is why holding up a mirror to your child is crucial and many parents can’t stomach it, *especially* when their child hits -, or threatens to kill himself. When this behavior is allowed to persist, it creates a weak person.

Hitter #1 here.
What you describe IS unconditional love. The act was wrong, you are not wrong.
It may take help for parent to react that way.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know a child like this. He hits himself/calls himself “bad” when he’s broken another child’s toy, misbehaved, been scolded, etc. IME he does this to to redirect adults into sympathy, as his parents’ immediate response is to console and tell him he’s a good boy.

Yes this is another theory and it is the theory that makes me angry because I feel manipulated. He does this exactly, calls himself bad when he does something wrong or he thinks we might possibly blame him. Also when we make him do things he doesn't want to do at the moment (random swim classes, practicing reading etc). Makes me feel like my options are either to have no expectations of him or end up with the self harm.

Is this OP? The OP who says her reaction to her self-hitting child is "extreme anger" in her first post?

The OP who says when he hits himself hercanger is "all consuming" because she feels put upon "walking on eggshells" or "manipulated.?


This is NT child self hitter #1.

Honest to God, those are certainly not unconditional love reactions. You have baggage of some sort. The kid is acting out his pain and fear of displeasing you and you are enraged because he is either a loser you have to,tiptoe around or a scheming manipulator?

Wherever this stuff originally came from, it's probably long before the kid was around.
You need therapy, too. Seriously. You need anxiety and resentment management before the kid's therapy stands a chance. You are one scary mommy. And there's a second disappointing kid in development?

Please get help. My mother didn't.

I’m sorry you hit yourself in pain and fear of displeasing your parents, seriously. But some children learn quite quickly to become victims as a form of unconscious control, and the solution is not to play into this dynamic with rage or sympathy, but to make them stronger with the truth: “you are not bad, Larlo, but you did a bad thing by breaking John’s nerf gun.” (“I’m soooo bad, I can’t believe I did something so bad, I should kill myself!”) “huh, that’s not the correct response to breaking John’s nerf gun. Here is a better one: how about you try apologizing to John, see if you can fix it with him or perhaps we can offer to buy him a new one? Let’s try that and see how it goes.”

Children like this need a mirror, they need a trustworthy adult to describe to them as precisely as possible the events as they occurred, what was done wrong, and what response *should* happen. Believe it or not, taking responsibility for his own misbehavior instead of hitting or victimizing himself will make the child much stronger into adulthood than sympathy.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know a child like this. He hits himself/calls himself “bad” when he’s broken another child’s toy, misbehaved, been scolded, etc. IME he does this to to redirect adults into sympathy, as his parents’ immediate response is to console and tell him he’s a good boy.

Yes this is another theory and it is the theory that makes me angry because I feel manipulated. He does this exactly, calls himself bad when he does something wrong or he thinks we might possibly blame him. Also when we make him do things he doesn't want to do at the moment (random swim classes, practicing reading etc). Makes me feel like my options are either to have no expectations of him or end up with the self harm.

Is this OP? The OP who says her reaction to her self-hitting child is "extreme anger" in her first post?

The OP who says when he hits himself hercanger is "all consuming" because she feels put upon "walking on eggshells" or "manipulated.?


This is NT child self hitter #1.

Honest to God, those are certainly not unconditional love reactions. You have baggage of some sort. The kid is acting out his pain and fear of displeasing you and you are enraged because he is either a loser you have to,tiptoe around or a scheming manipulator?

Wherever this stuff originally came from, it's probably long before the kid was around.
You need therapy, too. Seriously. You need anxiety and resentment management before the kid's therapy stands a chance. You are one scary mommy. And there's a second disappointing kid in development?

Please get help. My mother didn't.

Anonymous wrote:I know a child like this. He hits himself/calls himself “bad” when he’s broken another child’s toy, misbehaved, been scolded, etc. IME he does this to to redirect adults into sympathy, as his parents’ immediate response is to console and tell him he’s a good boy.

Yes this is another theory and it is the theory that makes me angry because I feel manipulated. He does this exactly, calls himself bad when he does something wrong or he thinks we might possibly blame him. Also when we make him do things he doesn't want to do at the moment (random swim classes, practicing reading etc). Makes me feel like my options are either to have no expectations of him or end up with the self harm.

I know a child like this. He hits himself/calls himself “bad” when he’s broken another child’s toy, misbehaved, been scolded, etc. IME he does this to to redirect adults into sympathy, as his parents’ immediate response is to console and tell him he’s a good boy.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have anxiety. As an adult, I've learned lots of techniques to manage it. I would say when I start to feel overwhelmed and the anxiety setting in, I quite literally feel like there is an energy zapping through my body that makes me feel like I'm going to jump out of my skin. As a kid, I remember hitting myself. Or breaking something by squeezing it too hard. As a teen, a cut very superficial (like paper cut deep) or did something to cause some small amount of pain. This settled that energy. Ive learned grounding and breathing exercises now so I no longer feel that need to physically get that energy out.

He doesn't want to do this. But he probably feels like he needs to because his skin is crawling. Work with him on techniques to calm himself. The 5 things you see, 4 you hear, 3 you feel, 2 you smell, and 1 you taste works wonders for me.

Your story supports what the pediatrician told me, that if not nipped, this behavior could lead to cutting when older and that really scares me. I'll try to work on calming techniques with him more. I try to explain to him when he's calm and he seems receptive but in the heat of the moment, he just seems locked in his state of mind and is not open to trying any techniques.

Focus needs to be on managing stress, shame, and anger before it reaches crisis point—communication skills, exercise, self acceptance, and building confidence that he can manage his own moods

Anonymous wrote:I have anxiety. As an adult, I've learned lots of techniques to manage it. I would say when I start to feel overwhelmed and the anxiety setting in, I quite literally feel like there is an energy zapping through my body that makes me feel like I'm going to jump out of my skin. As a kid, I remember hitting myself. Or breaking something by squeezing it too hard. As a teen, a cut very superficial (like paper cut deep) or did something to cause some small amount of pain. This settled that energy. Ive learned grounding and breathing exercises now so I no longer feel that need to physically get that energy out.

He doesn't want to do this. But he probably feels like he needs to because his skin is crawling. Work with him on techniques to calm himself. The 5 things you see, 4 you hear, 3 you feel, 2 you smell, and 1 you taste works wonders for me.

Your story supports what the pediatrician told me, that if not nipped, this behavior could lead to cutting when older and that really scares me. I'll try to work on calming techniques with him more. I try to explain to him when he's calm and he seems receptive but in the heat of the moment, he just seems locked in his state of mind and is not open to trying any techniques.

Have you considered trying some therapy for him? He may be willing to talk to a therapist about what he's feeling when he is hitting, does it make him feel better? And perhaps they could work on other coping mechanisms. I also would reflect for yourself a bit on why it makes you so angry-as opposed to concern? Of course you wish he would not be doing this, but it may be a sign of him needing help, and likely your response of yelling at him isn't one that's going to help anyone. I think the Parent-Child Journey classes can be really helpful too so perhaps those classes along with some therapy for him would be a good starting point. Or if you're not sure, maybe make an appointment with his pediatrician if you trust their opinion!