Anonymous wrote:Menopause and lower estrogen causes you to have less tolerance and care for others.

You are essentially turning into a man who has no social support group.

or your friends suck, come on don't you know?

+1 100%

loss of estradiol causes personality changes

I’m 45 and am in an ebb with a lot of my old friends, and wondering how much effort to put into gently maintaining these friendships just in case/out of loyalty vs. cultivating new ones.

I think this must be normal. What’s fun and appealing at 20 is not what I want in a friendship when I’m 45 and life is more complex. I used to be drawn to really outgoing people because I used to be shy, so it’s left me with people who I wouldn’t necessarily choose as new friends if I met them now.

I’m also realizing that there is a wide gap now between my friends who drink once in a while and my friends who only leave the house or have people over for activities that involve alcohol. I can’t drink much anymore because of a health problem. My social life often reminds me of the feeling of walking into a college party 3 hours late and realizing that everyone is too drunk to catch up to and that they’re not as funny/interesting as they think they are.

I find it interesting that you say it’s happened among different buckets of friends.

For me, mid 50’s, I’ve noticed it the most with mom friends I made due to our kids. Our kids are young adults now and I’ve realized that I have less in common with some of them when our kids aren’t factored in. I think sometimes we try to extend these friendships longer than we should.

But for my friends who have nothing to do with kids and are organic friendships, I’m still enjoying them.

I am 50 with a lot of decades-old friendships and don't feel this way. I think part of the reason is I see them more regularly so can better ride ebbs and flows and everyone is just more relaxed and it's small doses? So sure sometimes there's a dinner out where it's a bit flat or Friend X talks too much but then I see everyone or some of them again relatively soon and have a better time. It's also good I think to mix up the group and settings. So dinners out, casual at home, parties, different combos of people, larger groups, one-on-ones, day time, night time. Over the course of a year, I mean.

I think it's a lot of pressure to build up to a weekend away together or a "girls night out" sometimes and then not see each other for long stretches.

Gap between expectations and reality: you were/are looking forward to post-kid era reconnecting with people your own age who you’ve known for ages and care for a lot and are surprised to discover that all of you have grown and changed (or grown more so into certain characteristics) and don’t actually get on as smoothly as you felt you would when you only had time to chat every few years. Up to you if you want to dedicate the time and energy to reacquainting yourself properly with your old friends or find new ones who are more suited to who you are now. But it’s neither your fault nor theirs.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Can you elaborate more on what you think is going on with these friendships?

- OP

Answer from poster 12:41. I have gotten better, more confident about (what I consider boundaries) emotional boundaries. Meaning, it has become more important to me, in the last decades, that others make an almost equal effort. Slightly less effort is ok, but a lot less effort is not ok. I try to adjust my expectations/effort to what works mutually. To better match their effort. Otherwise, I'm resentful. Nothing kills a relationship more than resentment - I'd rather step back and keep stepping back until the relationship is balanced and works, on some level.

how do you know the people in OP's example are making less effort? I'm not advising anyone to hang on to toxic relationships, but the trend of "let go of everything that no longer serves you" leaves zero room for grace and a lot of room for self-righteousness.

Time is precious. What’s the point in continuing to get together with friends if it’s aggravating or unpleasant? Serious question. It doesn’t need to be toxic for old friends have grown in different directions.

I was really sad about this when I reunited with some college friends about 5 years ago (we are in our forties). Once I reframed our friendships as not “friends forever” but instead important friends from a certain part of of our lives, I felt some relief and understanding in how we had grown apart. They are still so dear to me but we don’t need to be as close as we once were.

Did I post this and forget?? 49 yo woman who got together with old friends recently and felt some of the same things. I also think that I annoyed them in similar ways! As I get older I'm getting more and more isolated except from my kids, who will eventually all leave me, lol.

Anonymous wrote:

Can you elaborate more on what you think is going on with these friendships?

- OP

Answer from poster 12:41. I have gotten better, more confident about (what I consider boundaries) emotional boundaries. Meaning, it has become more important to me, in the last decades, that others make an almost equal effort. Slightly less effort is ok, but a lot less effort is not ok. I try to adjust my expectations/effort to what works mutually. To better match their effort. Otherwise, I'm resentful. Nothing kills a relationship more than resentment - I'd rather step back and keep stepping back until the relationship is balanced and works, on some level.

how do you know the people in OP's example are making less effort? I'm not advising anyone to hang on to toxic relationships, but the trend of "let go of everything that no longer serves you" leaves zero room for grace and a lot of room for self-righteousness.

I feel the same way to age 53. I used to host parties all the time. Now I don't feel like it. I'd set up activities with friends - concert, dinner, hike. Now, almost nothing and I would rather have an empty calendar than a full one. Maybe it's Covid, perimenopause (still have periods) or both?

People change, including you. One of my best friends from high school grew up to be a superficial, money-grubbing jerk. I probably wouldn't acknowledge him if I saw him walking down the street and he didn't see me first.

OP, 14:46 again. In your case, having read the descriptions of A,B,C you need to spend way less time with them, all of them. See them on neutral turf so you can leave (when you've maxed-out your patience). Always have an escape plan. Hope that they each weather their troubles. Just think very seriously about how much time you would enjoy spending with each of them. You decide. You don't need to be available for more. But leave the door open. You don't need to be the one to end it. They will either adjust to the rhythm of how much you are available to see them, or they will end it because they won't adjust.

Can you elaborate more on what you think is going on with these friendships?

- OP

Answer from poster 12:41. I have gotten better, more confident about (what I consider boundaries) emotional boundaries. Meaning, it has become more important to me, in the last decades, that others make an almost equal effort. Slightly less effort is ok, but a lot less effort is not ok. I try to adjust my expectations/effort to what works mutually. To better match their effort. Otherwise, I'm resentful. Nothing kills a relationship more than resentment - I'd rather step back and keep stepping back until the relationship is balanced and works, on some level.

OP, I don't find this surprising. What is surprising is how long we are able to sustain relationships over the long haul. We change in so many ways over 15-30, it's totally normal that we outgrow most relationships. We just don't talk about it very much as there is so a lot of talk about women and their deep friendships.

The older we get, the more then "real us" emerges more and more, OP. It's why an 80something who was always patient is now a lot more impatient. It's why people in the their 50s who gladly suffered fools no longer have the patience for it. You get to an age where you know what you like, and what you are willing to tolerate, too. If you don't want to do it anymore, then you don't have to, OP. Free yourself of those who weigh you down and are no longer a good fit for you where you are now. We do outgrow friendships over time.