Anonymous wrote:If you’re already explaining that life is about learning, and she doesn’t need to be perfect, then I would leave things alone and stop worrying. It sounds like you may be overly worried about perfectionism because you struggled with it yourself, so you might be projecting this or seeing your daughter through a faulty lens.

Anonymous wrote:I would model what you want to her to do. What activity do you do that you are bad at? Can she see you get better or not get better? We often avoid things we're bad at, but I think it's really important for our kids to see us do things poorly, enjoy them, and that doing them can be fun, even if we never get better. Life doesn't have to be about progress.

Parents don't have a ton of extra time, especially if you work, so it'll have to be small doses. I'm bad at baking. My kids have seen me burn cookies and muffins, but we still do it because it's fun. I'm bad at singing, but we still sing because it's fun. I'm super slow at sprinting, but it's fun to run races with in the front yard and know that I'll be last. Show them what things you are bad at and how they are fun anyway!
I'm motivated to get better at some things, so they get to see me do that as well. But I think it's more important for kids to see adults enjoy things, even if we're bad at them.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She's watching how you respond to the world and acting accordingly.

I watched how my sister passed on her fear of heights to her daughter. I told her what she was doing and how. She still labeled her kid as having a fear of heights. Just like you labeled you kid as a perfectionist. When her kid is with me there is not a fear of heights. When she's with her family she has that fear - it's like she gets rewarded for it in a way. My guess is your kid is being rewarded by you for behaving this way. Don't worry though, you will have loads of mental health problems in 10 years because of this.

What happens when your kids take on your judgmental, condescending, know-it-all behaviors? Do you need a rec for a good family therapist to help you guys address this family dysfunction? Maybe the rest of us could help.

Anonymous wrote:She's watching how you respond to the world and acting accordingly.

I watched how my sister passed on her fear of heights to her daughter. I told her what she was doing and how. She still labeled her kid as having a fear of heights. Just like you labeled you kid as a perfectionist. When her kid is with me there is not a fear of heights. When she's with her family she has that fear - it's like she gets rewarded for it in a way. My guess is your kid is being rewarded by you for behaving this way. Don't worry though, you will have loads of mental health problems in 10 years because of this.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it's some combo of genes and birth order. My mom has this trait, which she thinks came from having a very critical mother. But my mom was carefully non-critical of us and I still have this trait. I'm also consciously non-critical of my own kids and my oldest is just like your daughter.

We're working on it!

This seems to be a really common issue. As far as the self-criticism/ pressure, do any of you believe this might be the result of the child’s dissatisfaction with their assigned gender?